Micah’s History of Everything: Elections

Posted: November 8, 2016 by Micah in A History of Everything
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Well hey guys, and welcome back to Thoughts We Might Have Had, a special election day edition in which I will talk about literally every election I can possibly think of EXCEPT the one that’s happening today. Also: go vote. But I already did go vote, and now I’m done. I don’t want to know. Even if the person I voted for wins… I won’t feel good about it. So I’m just gonna ignore it now and move on to…

The Massachusetts Gubernatorial election of 1839! An election that was one by Marcus Morton (no association with the little salt girl… I think.) Mr. Morton ran for Governor every year from 1825-1840 and in 1839 he finally won… by one vote. Yup. 1. Granted in 1839 Massachusetts there were only about… 80 residents. 10 whom were cattle. 20 of whom were woman who couldn’t vote because ummm… Their skirts wouldn’t fit in voting booths? So that really only leaves us with 50 people, and thirty were children. But when those 20 men voted, 11 of them voted for Morton’s salt!! (and they let Morton have it because, frankly, it’s not like the Governor of Massachusetts actually did anything back then anyway.)

In 1967 the people of Picoaza, Ecuador elected a foot powder to be their mayor. Yup. A foot powder. The powder was called Pulvapies and at the time were running a cute little tie in slogan that went “Vote for any candidate, but if you want well-being and hygiene, vote for Pulvapies.” And that slogan worked way, WAAAY too well.


The Mayoral family.


In 1992 the movie Dave was released and in this movie Kevin Kline played a president who died of a stroke and was replaced, not by his vice president like every constitution America has ever had says, but by his look alike stand in: Dave. Cause um… that seemed like a realistic premise right? You’ll buy that people of 1992 right? What else were you doing in 1992 anyway?? Watching Home Alone 2??? Oh yeah, those people would believe anything.

In 1800 the election actually ended in a tie! Back then the vice president was just “the guy who finished second” so political parties had sort of a wink/nudge agreement where some would vote for the 1 guy and some would vote for the other one. But somehow Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr both ended up with 73 Electoral votes. A VERY awkward seven days followed in which Jefferson and Burr (according to some important historians) did a lot of rapping. (Yes, that was a Hamilton joke. You’re welcome 1 person who got that.)


Hamilton: The Greatest Musical, You Will Never See.


In 1928 John Quincy Adams campaigned so hard against Andrew Jackson that he even turned his attention to Jacksons wife calling her a “convicted adulteress” because umm… reasons. Complicated, legal, not at all funny reasons. Midway through the election process Jackson’s wife passed and Jackson himself always blamed Adams’s smear campaign against his wife. Admittedly: that is a VERY not funny story but hey at least it’s a reminder that politics have always been a bit of a crazy mess even in a time before the invention of many, horrifying modern Political venues such as Facebook, Twitter, and Saturday Night Live.

Talkeetna, Alaska ran under the mayorship of the most honorable: Stubbs the Kitten for 15 years. The whole thing started as a joke write in campaign because the candidates at the time were unsuitable. It has turned in to a horrible display of Catmunism.


Even I thought that joke was a reach.


In 1872 Ulysses S Grant’s second run for president was made dramatically easier by the fact that the person he ran against was (very literally) dead. Like he died. Granted (see what I did there) Grant had already VERY much won the election, but still, the only way to REALLY win an election when you’re Ulysses Grant, is to defeat the evil zombie version of Horace Greeley… which is a terrible Zombie name.

In 2004 Napoleon Dynamite came out and popularized the very stupid slogan: Vote for Pedro. Why is that stupid you ask?? Because Napoleon Dynamite is a garbage movie. That’s right: I said it!! Garbage. On fire garbage. You thought it was good when you watched it in high school??? It wasn’t. Go watch it again, and be VERY ashamed of your decisions. Re-think your life Bobby. You’ve made all the mistakes. All of them.


It’s okay buddy, we’ve all made mistakes.


All the President’s Men came out in 1976 and… Okay no that was actually a great movie. Some people Robert Redford craggy face action in this one! Check this out, it was well before Robert Redford’s face lost all perspective and symmetry and turned into the insane landscape of peaks and valleys that it is today.

So there you go guys, a lot of elections that (more than anything else) weren’t this election. Thanks for reading and I will see you all Thursday when I blissfully review Dr. Strange and leave all my troubles behind!

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