Well hey Internet, and welcome back to your usual Thursday infusion of sarcasm, cheese nibblins, and movie news! And lo, upon this Thursday, let us return to familiar fields, strewn with what grasses, and our own familiar footprints! That’s right folks: it’s time for the weekly headlines!!

Weekly Headlines 11/3/16

First off: Congratulations to Cubs nation! Winning the World Series for the first time since 1908! It was a crazy, awesome, fun season in the MLB this year and if my Red Sox couldn’t have won (which they VERY didn’t) there’s no one else who deserved it more.

Triple X: Return of Xander Cage released its first official trailer and… Ah man… this looks SO stupid, and I am SO excited. I mean come on, Vin Diesel bounces a motorized skateboard off a bus??? It’s like they just walked through a warehouse filled with things marked “X-TREME” by the 1990’s and were like “Oh yeah… were using that!” I mean let’s be clear: this will be bad. Maybe even really bad. Maybe even terribly bad. But this is the ultimate stupid guys movie. The ultimate.


Wait, is that… is that a thing we’re doing now?? The finger x’s??


Deadpool 2 has now lost both its directors and its composer over the last week or so. I mean look guys, maybe Deadpool just shouldn’t get a sequel. It was such a perfect storm of underdog, timing, and comic action it… maybe it was too beautiful. It’s SO hard to do a movie like this right and the fact that Deadpool was so good and now Deadpool 2 is having as much trouble as it seemingly is… maybe we should just be happy with the Deadpool we have guys. Granted the composers name is (and I’m not making this up) Junkie XL so… ya know it probably wasn’t a huge loss…

The Dark Tower movie was delayed from January 2017 until summer 2017. I mean this isn’t necessarily a death sentence or anything. If it was moving from the summer TO January that would be very bad, because (as we all know) January is where bad movies go to slowly and agonizingly die. Maybe they’ve decided them movie will be more of a blockbuster than they originally thought? Maybe it just needed more polish? Maybe Mathew McConaughey was too busy being in completely non-sensical car commercials with cattle or something. All in all, I’m still very excited for this and hope they do justice to what is a fantastic book series.


I refuse to believe that a movie responsible for a coat this beautiful could be evil… I mean bad.


Disney (to the surprise of no one) has officially announced that they’re making a live action Snow White movie. For most of these live action things the big concern is usually “boy I hope they don’t ruin that classic movie!” In this case, I kinda hope they do. I mean Snow White (the Disney one) is REALLLY  bad. Like so bad. And traumatizing. And nonsensical. Even other remakes/retellings of that movie have been pretty bad (the bland but not terrible Snow White and the Hunstman, and then the VERY VERRRY terribly Mirror Mirror spring to mind.)  So who knows, I mean all of the live actions Disney have done so far have been good-great so… who am I to doubt Disney’s ability to continue to basically print their own money at this point.

So Netflix released a trailer for the new Unfortunate Series of Events series they’re doing and fortunately for us all: it looked nothing like the movie! Honestly, there was very little information given in this but it looks good and I love some Neil Patrick Harris so I’m certainly intruiged. Honestly the books always felt more suited to the small screen than to trying and cram the entire thing into one movie that you cast Jim Carey in… for some reason.


A series that will corner the market on “amount of forehead”


Scandal season 6 debuts in January! That’s right everyone’s favorite series about… umm… yeah I have no idea what that shows about. It’s popular though, right? People watch that? With the scandals and the… umm… not… scandals??

Okay so… seriously guys, Agents of Shield is super good this year. Like it makes no sense at all but that show is freekin’ awesome right now. Yes, it’s season 6 and the only people who actually have any idea what’s going on are me, and SOME of the writers of the show, but it is VERY good.

So another Wonder Woman trailer came out this year and… I don’t even know anymore guys. Can DC make a good movie??? This doesn’t look like it’s gonna be bad, but I was all in on Suicide Squad and that was real bad. I feel like the thing Wonder Woman has working for it is it’s not any kind of ensemble thing. It’s an origin story that will (hopefully) not concern itself with the rest of the Justice League or the rapidly drain circling Zach Snyder-verse. It’s just an origin story. I mean the worst part of this trailer was when it started playing that horrible rock… thing that kept happing in Batman V. Superman V. People That Have the Same Name. So who knows, I’ve mostly just decided that I’m out on getting excited for DC movies until they actually make a good one. You can only fool me… what is it now… 6 times?? Before I stop believing in you DC.


Ummm… Am I the only one seeing all the X’s on this poster?? I count like… 6? No wait 7. Why all the X’s??? Wait… have you been hanging out with Vin Diesel??


Disney has beat its own record for most money grossed in a year. And they still have Dr. Strange, Moana, and Star Wars: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story: From the Star Wars that are coming out this year. Basically: give all your money to Disney guys, oh wait… you already did. They just bought you. Hey, could whoevers running Disney just go ahead and take the presidency real quick?? It doesn’t even have to be the head of Disney, any of the Disney-etts would be better than the people in this election. Literally any person at Disney. People running some of the rides at the park maybe? Anyone??




And there you have it friends and relatives. Those headlines!! Thanks for reading, and thanks again for sticking with the website for lo these many years! You all are amazing!

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