My fellow Americans, in a time of indecision in our country. In a time where we are given a choice between a dumpster fire, and a dumpster fire on top of another dumpster fire today seems like a great day to remember one of our nation’s greatest leaders. One of its true patriots, one of the few good men that one guy was looking for that one time. I am speaking, of course, of our nation’s greatest movie president: James Marshall.
Our Greatest Movie President: Air Force One’s James Marshall
The movie plot: So there’s this president see and he’s an ex… marine?? An ex-soldier of some kind and his plane (Air Force One: The Movie) gets hijacked by Gary Oldman (you forgot the terrorist was Gary Oldman didn’t you??) and over the course of the next hour and a half or so he proceeds to very slowly and carefully murder a ton of people. Just… so many people. And really what more do we want out of a movie President??
So who else is running in this little movie presidential race? Who else is going? Well umm… honestly not many people. I mean, sure, the president in Independence Day made a pretty great Independence Day speech and then blew up some aliens, but really for most of that movie he didn’t do anything. Just sort of hung out and looked confused and then there were aliens. Do you want a mostly inept president who allows the existence of aliens to happen completely without his knowledge?? Or do you want a president who throws Gary Oldman out of a plane???
Sure, those two things are seemingly unrelated, but it’s Gary Oldman guys! He’s not an easy guy to throw out of a plane. Believe me, I’ve tried. I mean, if a tree monkey threw Gary Oldman out of a plane wouldn’t you make that monkey president?? If a tree monkey allowed aliens to blow up the White House though, that would be just a tree monkey wouldn’t it??
Lincoln: Okay yes, it was a great performance by retired cobbler Daniel Day Lewis, but did you hear his voice?? It was real annoying! Also, what was he talking about anyway?? I don’t know, you don’t know, Daniel Day Lewis probably doesn’t even know. What was James Marshall talking about?? He was talking the language of murder, the language of Get Off My Plane!! The language of a people tired of overcrowded airlines, tired of people standing on carpentry equipment,
and tired of having Gary Oldman have anything other than a mustache. James Marshall speaks the language of America, with the voice of Han Solo.
And that’s really the only people worth talking about here guys… I mean what, you want the President from Dr. Strangelove?? That guy couldn’t even stop the world from getting blown up!! His response for people on his plane would be to somehow convince them to fly airforce one into the sun and destroy the galaxy or something.
The Elephant in the Room: Of course the elephant of the room is that America’s greatest fake president was (of course) Jed Bartlett. I mean if Martin Sheen announced today that he was running for president, he would win. Easily. But as you may have noticed I’ve been very careful about saying “movie” president this whole time. I mean it’s no fun having Jed Bartlett involved in this competition, he’s the fake president version of Simone Biles! And yes: this is probably the only place on the internet featuring that sentence.
So there you go America, the only real option for your movie president. A man who did very little actual presidenting, but a whole lot of murdering, wise cracking, and Macy throwing. So this November cast your vote for America, for getting off of planes: for James Marshall.