Well hello Internet and happy Hobbit day! That’s right, in a time in which there is still practically nothing going on in the movies let’s just sit down, pull up our second breakfast, and celebrate Frodo and Bilbo’s birthday!! And what better way to celebrate their birthdays than by arbitrarily judging their movies! That’s right, it’s time for:

Judge of the Rings

All right so, this is a list from worst to best and (to no one’s surprise) all the bottom 3 are Hobbit movies… cause those were kind of terrible.

Number 6: The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

The second Hobbit movie is probably the worst. It just… The movie doesn’t really do anything. There’s no narrative movement thing just sort of happen to people… and then the movie ends. Not because it reaches a climax, or because there’s some kind of resolution to conflict or something, but because when the film studio whipped out their chainsaws and hacked this book into THREE movies the second one happened to end here. The highlight of this movie was the scene with Bilbo and Smaug and that was like, 5 minutes and was preceded by two hours of people wandering around delivering long monologues, while Orlando Bloom stared at things, and Stephen Fry delivered some of the least funny attempts at humor ever. It was the worst.

fry-ew-580x360

Not since my last trip to Wendy’s has there been such a waste of Frys.

 

Number 5: The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies

Desolation of Smaug is EASILY the worst of these movies, there is very little difference between Five Armies (the 6th movie) and An Unexpected Journey (the 5th movie.) At the moment I feel like 6 is worst just because it took SOOO long to get to the last battle, and then dropped the ball on that battle. The horrendously un-funny humor was still there, the battle was filled with characters we didn’t know, doing things we didn’t care about, for reasons that didn’t make much sense. Armies regularly took breaks from the battle so that reinforcements could arrive, or people could give speeches, the whole thing was just a mess. And really all Jackson needed to do was Two Towers again.

Number 4: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

I feel like the first of the Hobbit movies was the best one, but maybe that’s just cause it’s the one I haven’t seen in the longest. It’s also the only one I’ve watched the Extended Edition of and I did feel like it was at least better in that format. The beginning was interesting and it was the movie that made the most use of Ian McKellen and Martin Freeman so that was something. It also didn’t get as muddled in the introduction of unnecessary side plots or shoe-horned, non-functioning love stories. Sure the tone was still all over the place, and the dwarves were at best confusing and at worst annoying, but it at least felt like it was going somewhere the whole time, even if that somewhere was two WAAY worse movies.

radagast-bird

You want to know something sad? I had entirely forgot he was in this movie until now… why?? WWWHHHYYY????????

 

Okay… finally on to the good movies.

Number 3: Return of the King

Maybe it’s just leftover bitterness from being trapped in a movie theater, desperate to go the bathroom, waiting desperately for the movies 10th fake ending to end, but I’ve always thought Return of the King was the worst of the original trilogy. Still a GREAT movie by the way, but the worst of the three.  Some good battle scenes, some great set pieces, and while the finish of the movie is super satisfying the overall emotion of the previous two movies are missing. Plus: whatever happened to the horses at the end of that movie?

rking

“Wait… didn’t we have horses a second ago?”

 

Number 2: Two Towers

Two Towers and Fellowship are basically interchangeable for me. Two Towers has a great mix of action and story with emphasis on the action, while Fellowship has a great mix of action and story with emphasis on the story. The battle of Helms deep is one of the greatest action set pieces of all time, Sam and Frodo aren’t too there weepy annoying stages yet, it comes to an amazingly strong conclusion given it’s middle position in the trilogy, and (as we all know) they’re taking the hobbits, to Isengard.

isengard

Nothing like a six year old, played out joke huh?

 

Number 1: Fellowship of the Ring

And here it is, really the best movie of the trilogy. Great introduction to the world, some cool action set pieces, great characters and acting, and phenomenal storytelling. Sure the Council of Elrond scene is like an hour long but to nerds like myself, it’s a great hour! Filled with places one cannot walk to.

mordor

What? What do you mean I’m doing it wrong?

 

And there you go guys!! The absolute 100% only way to rank the Lord of the Rings movie!! In my opinion. At this moment in time. I mean let’s be clear, any of the original trilogy is great, ya can’t go wrong. And with any of the new trilogy, ya can’t go right. I’ll see you next week!

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