Well hey Internet, and happy days. As we continue our transition from summer to fall, from youth to comfortable middle age, from fresh pizza to the in some ways even more tasty cold pizza, we find ourselves heading towards a black hole of uninteresting movies (at least until the magnificent seven comes out) and so what are we to turn to in our time of entertainment need?? Well… maybe… Monopoly?? Family… times??? Redbox?? Let’s go with Redbox, I’m not qualified to write on monopoly, and I love family times as much as the next guy but… this isn’t that blog. So let’s see the top 5 and (the far more fun) bottom 5 of what’s going on right now, in that big red box.
Top 5 in Redbox
These aren’t necessarily in worst to best order or anything like that, just five movies worth checking out as you wait for someone to wake you up, when September ends.
The Jungle Book
Great movie! Awesome voice cast, stunning visuals, very well acted! Sure it’s a repeat, but it’s a really solid, great movie, that the whole family can enjoy! Boy, this is fun huh? What a great month to rent a movie, I’m sure there won’t be a precipitous dive in movie quality at all!!! Let’s move on to that next great movie shall we?
… Oh… Oh no… Umm… okay hang on umm…
Umm… Race??? I guess.
Race is a really good movie but… it came out a good while ago, guys, I’d frankly be surprised if it were actually IN any redbox’s. But if you can find it, you go for it! It’s the shizzle!! But you may have (brace yourselves) run out of time!!
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??? Maybe sort of… A better than average movie, starring the fantastic Tina Fey and Martin Freeman! And yes, we’re already settling for “better than average.”
It’s worth mentioning that Zootopia is in Redbox, but that’s also coming to Netflix next month so… unless you have a REALLY strong desire to see a fox and a rabbit talk to a sheep in front of a computer… you can probably wait a week or so.
And that’s about it guys. Those were the good movies I could find… those three movies. Maybe consider actually learning the rules to Monopoly, you may need them.
The Bottom 5:
And now onto a list that it was hard to make not because there were too few options, but because there were far FAAAARRRR to many. I had to leave a movie with Amanda Seyfried (my least favorite person in Hollywood) entirely off this list!! Where is the justice in this world?!?!
An unambitious, unfunny comedy featuring two very talented ladies (Kristen Bell and Melissa McCarthy) suffereing through a bland, uninteresting, almost tortuously boring movie. The only person who cared about this movie less than the audiences who watched it, were the people who starred in it.
Batman V. Superman
Somewhere, in some alternate universe this was a good movie. A couple different decisions, maybe a better writer and a different director… the bones for a good movie are here, but (as the old song says) dem bones, dem bones, dem dry unappealing, overly mopey movie bones.
Okay if you want to see just the utter and final breakdown of Nic Cages slow, years long spiral into insanity. This is it. A movie so mind numbingly bad it very literally snapped whatever tiny strand of sanity Nicolas Cage had left. If you like hilariously bad movies: this is the one for you. If you like hilarious bad posters, here you go:
The Divergent Series: Allegiant
A movie so bland, and mailed in it may have literally killed the entire franchise. Literally they may move this entire series to TV now just because audiences cared about it so little. “Maybe,” they thought “if we make the movie free, break it up into dozens of pieces, and pipe it directly into their homes, they’ll like our movie!” Just as a spoiler: They will not like it.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2
In an age and time filled with unnecessary reboots and sequels, it seems only fitting to end this article with the most unnecessary sequel of all! And it’s double points cause it was also about twenty years too late. So bask in the glory MBFGW 2. In a time of great suckitude, your suck has risen to the top! Go you.
Well guys… brace yourselves for September, hold you loved ones close, and check back Thursday when I break down the top 10 westerns of all time!