Well Internet, it’s officially over. The summer of movies is past, and now we must come to early-fall of our discontent. The month (or two) every year where absolutely nothing good happens. So let’s take a look ahead at our fair month of September and see if it (like basically all of its ancestors) shall be of the sucks.

September 2016 Preview

September 2nd

Ummm… there may literally be nothing in this entire weekend even worth mentioning. Like nothing even worse making a sarcastic joke about.

Max Rose marks Jerry Lewis’s return to film but umm… why???

Yoga Hosers is a movie about two minor characters in ‘Tusk,’ a movie that no one saw. Literally NO ONE asked for this movie. People IN this movie weren’t sure why the movie kept happening, they had to constantly call and remind them the movie was occurring.

hosers

The stars of this movie are exhibiting the exact amount of enthusiasm you should have for this movie.

 

Morgan is something about a monster created in a government lab and she gets out and kills everyone… ya know, like every other movie ever.

And that’s the first weekend of September, a day where the entirety of Hollywood wakes up, hits the snooze button, and goes groggily back to sleep.

September 9th

Sully – A movie starring Tom Hanks, who plays a Pilot, busily doing some pilot things. Why does Hollywood keep trying to make the “I’m a heroic Pilot” movie happen? I mean it seems like every year there’s some new movie about a Pilot who sits in a cockpit and does some piloty things, and then things start to go VERY badly and he sits in the cockpit and REALLY does some piloty things. Like a LOT of piloty things. And then people get excited, or sometimes not excited, about what the Pilot did when he sat in the cockpit doing those things. And that’s the movie.

sully

Tom Hanks and that plane star in a movie that you already know the story behind.

 

September 16th

Bridget Jones’s Baby –

I’m so sad we live in a world where this exists. Of all the possible unnecessary sequels to bad movies, that waited WAYYY too long to come out, why did THIS have to be the one? Why did you drag Colin Firth into this?? What did we ever do to you Hollywood that THIS is what you decided to try and make us watch? Wouldn’t it have been better for humanity if you had taken all of the money you spent on this movie, bring it to a street corner, light it on fire, and let people warm themselves??

jones

The space this jpeg takes up is a waste of the Internet, and I’m sorry.

 

Snowden –

Joseph Gordon Levison stars in the movie adaptation of the life of Edward Snowden. Look, this’ll probably be fine. It’s Oliver Stone directing which is code for “LOOOONG and boring.” I mean it’ll be educational, and probably interesting… but you will not have fun watching this movie.

Blair Witch –

Look, after my lengthy and angry rant about Bridget Jones’s Sequel For Some Reason, let me just say this: this is gonna suck. I mean the first movie basically sucked it just happened to come up with the idea of a director handing one of the actors a camera and then going home early to take a nap.

September 23rd

Magnificent Seven – This is it guys, our one hope for a good movie in September. And I’m filled with hope! I’m a boncing bag of hope being thrown at a charging goatherd. Love the cast, the trailers have looked good, all signs point to awesome. And here’s hoping it is, otherwise Septembers gonna be one LOOOONG month.

September 30th

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children – Tim Burton (legendary director of The Nightmare before Christmas who didn’t actually direct that movie and then a bunch of things that aren’t as good as we pretend they are) directs a new movie that I’m sure will be fine.

christmas

Disney’s, Tim Burton’s, The Nightmare Before Christmas. Everyone seems to own this movie.

 

I don’t even know what to do with Tim Burton at this point guys, I mean yeah, he’s a decent director with a very unique and distinctive visual style but what was really the last great Tim Burton movie? Sweeney Todd in 07?? Alice in Wonderland wasn’t as bad as some people said but even that was in 2010. This movie looks… fine. It’ll happen, it’ll look interesting, but until Burton can find some of that old 90’s glory I’m tempering my expectations.

And that’ll do it… September guys, maybe go ahead and clean your living room, you won’t be heading to the theater for a while.

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