Well guys, it’s official, the good movies of summer are over. Sorry. You missed it. Sure there are still some leftovers out there, Star Trek is pretty good, Secret Life of Pets is a serviceable kids movie. But as far as blockbusters go it’s all downhill from here. Let’s just take a few minutes here, look at the rest of August, and see what we have (like so many trains) coming towards us.

August 12th:

There are some decent movies coming out this weekend, but none in the ‘blockbuster’ category we generally associate with the summer.

Florence Foster Jenkins – Meryl Streep, doing Meryl Streep things. What more do you need to know?? Do you need to know Hugh Grant plays her charming husband? Cause he do. Look, it’s not a movie that will change your life, but it’s a super fun, hopeful movie that will lift your spirits in a way that only movies (and huge amounts of ice cream) can.

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This poster is exactly as whimsically awesome as the movie.

 

Pete’s Dragon – somewhat surprisingly, this movie has gotten GREAT reviews. Awkwardly great reviews. Is Disney on THIS much of a roll, where they can revive a nonsense 80s movie about a boy, his invisible dragon, and some sort of illegal child sale and make it into a heartwarming, family delight?? Apparently they are. We should legitimately start worrying about Disney’s takeover the world plan, guys. I mean if they can save THIS movie, what can’t they do?

August 19th:

Kubo and the Two Strings – Umm… something about a little kid who has magical powers and umm… there’s a monkey? I mean it looks good… I guess… It’s hard to tell, it’s all whimsical, and the animation looks great but it’s hard to get a hold of something like this just by the trailers.

kubo-and-the-two-strings-poster-the-ice-fields

If nothing else this mess looks gorgeous!!

 

Ben-Hur – The re-make no one asked for that looks just so entirely bland it hurts. I mean, I’m sure Morgan Freeman will be great but beyond that this whole thing just looks like the dictionary definition of ‘meh.’ I’m sure it will happen, and things will occur, and there will be a chariot race that has WAY more effects but won’t have the same gravitas as the original. And I’m not a bonkers fan of the original either, but it was made at the height of the whole ‘Sandals and Swords’ genre, and while budgets and effects and all that have gotten better over the years there’s something about the feel of the time period, I don’t think they can recreate. Those things and “First to finish, last to die” is a terrible tag line.

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Okay so… how about second to finish, second to last to die?? Cause really that seems less stressful and who wants to be the LAST to die?? I mean you’ve got to pay for all those funerals!!

 

August 26th:

Don’t Breathe – Something something, horror movie. Something something Blind Guy?? Wait, what?? A blind guy is the villain and the main characters are a group of teenagers who break into his house?? I’m allowed to cheer for the blind guy right?

Mechanic: Resurrection – Oh Jason Statham, you just keep making movies don’t you? Look, I actually will probably watch this. When it’s inevitably free on Amazon Prime or Netflix. I mean it’ll be entertaining, they’ll be at least one very entertaining fight scene, Jason Statham will glare at things and have a cool British accent.

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This seems like a perfectly fine poster with… wait is that… is that Tommy Lee Jones??? With a soul patch??? What have you done to Tommy Lee Jones!!!

 

If Jason has taught us anything over the years it’s that you can know exactly what to expect from every movie he’s in. Even the Fast and Furious movie he was in (we I watched for free) had a distinctly Jason Statham feel to it. There are certainly worst things you could do with your time… like watching Don’t Breathe, just as a random example.

So there you go guys, that’s what happening to us in August. Believe me when I tell you September is gonna be way WAAAYYY worse. Basically just hit ye olde movie snooze button until November. We’ll make it guys, we’ll make it together.

Comments
  1. Your summary of Pete’s dragon cracks me up.

    Thanks for that. 🙂

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