Internet! How’s tricks? Tricks here are roughly the same. The ball trick. The hidden nickel. Ya know: same tricks as usual. And speaking of them same tricks, seems like it’s been a little bit since we checked in at the old box office, and see what movies are high, what movies are low, and what movies probably shouldn’t be anywhere.

The Box Office Top Ten 7/12/2016

10. Sultan

Sultan is about umm… It’s uh… Yeah I’ve never heard of this before. Ever. Give ma  sec. Okay so, after carefully reading the summary for this film: I still have no idea what it’s about. Something about a man wrestler and then a lady wrestler and then… some wrestling. I don’t know. Go see it… I guess.


I don’t… I don’t get it.


9. The Shallows

Blake Lively stars in a somewhat surprisingly taut and suspenseful movie about a woman, a shark, and there crazy love connection!! Oh wait no, sorry. I meant ‘murder’. Crazy murder connection.

8. Independence Day: Resurgence 

So… Remember how I said this looked like a really good movie and that I was excited about it?? Well it isn’t. It’s real bad. The first Independence Day is a really good 80’s movie that has certainly aged some, but actually still holds up pretty well. This movie just feels like a really bad 80’s movie that doesn’t hold up at all. It’s unfocused and poorly scripted and the good cast members (Jeff Goldblum and Liam Hemsworth) don’t really have as much to do as they should.

7. The BFG


Confused Giant is confused.


This is the first time I get to say this, this week, and I will be saying it a lot: this is a solid kids movie. It’s not great, but it’s very good, and well told and based on a cool concept. It’s very good. It doesn’t transcend the genre or anything but it sits very solidly in the genre’s upper tier.

6. Central Intelligence

Central Intelligence currently holds the “best comedy of the summer” flag. Granted it owes a huge amount of its success to the work of its leads (Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart) but it’s a fun, charming comedy, with a fun storyline. Which is more than can be said for most of the comedies that have tripped, clunkily into our lives this summer.

5. The Purge: Election Year

Yay, we made a third one… I mean it’s not the worst horror-esqu movie series ever (Hi, Paranormal Activity) but… it’s not good. You’d think there’d be more ideas out there then: “Everyone can murder everyone… because.”


It’s okay, Ladies Libertys just going through a phase.


4. Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

A comedy that (very sadly) doesn’t live up to the sum of its cast. Anna Kendrick, Aubrey Plaza, Adam Devine, and Zach Efron are all perfectly talented people but the movie bounces around too much and you never really get a feel for any of the characters. It relies too much on individual sections of humor, and not enough on establishing fun characters and putting them in funny situations.

3. Finding Dory

Not a lot to say here, given that I already dropped a full review of this (here.) But suffice to say: If you haven’t seen this movie, you should see it. It does transcend the “kid movie” genre, and is a legitimately entertaining (and occasionally thought provoking) movie for the whole family.

2. The Legend of Tarzan


Drink it in ladies, drink that sweet Sam Jackson mustache in.


As predicted by myself, there’s nothing horribly wrong with Legend of Tarzan, but there’s nothing super right with it either. It is roughly what you think it is. A movie about a dude without a shirt, the jungle, and someone who (for some vague reason) wants the jungle destroyed or something. It’s fine. If you like this sort of movie, or the idea of Tarzan this will be a perfectly fine movie for you. If not, it won’t be changing your mind.

1. The Secret Life of Pets


My cats exact expression whenever I have milk.


If ‘Finding Dory’ is the film equivalent of a three course meal, than The Secret Life of Pets   is a happy meal. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s good fun, but it’s probably not what you want to build your life around watching. Secret Life of Pets is a fun adventure through an interesting world with a lot of very entertaining ideas. It doesn’t “transcend the kid movie genre” but it doesn’t really try to either. It just offers kids and parents a fun diversion for a few hours, and then trundles off to bed. I honestly had pretty low expectations for this, but it ended up being a perfectly respectable outing. So congrats TSLoP. Go shorten your name.

So there you go guys, the box office top ten! Check back on Friday, when I (for the good of the colony) watch the Original Pete’s Dragon and try and figure out what the hecks going on in there.

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