Movie Preview: July 2016

Posted: July 6, 2016 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , , ,

Okay Internet, I’m back, I’m semi-rested, moderately grumpy, and sort of conscious. And that’s about as good as it’s gonna get for this week. So let’s try and push those holiday doldrums aside, stifle our yawns, and take a look ahead at the month of July and the movies that will be found therein.

July 2016 Movie Preview

July 8th

Cell – An adaptation of a Stephen King novel starring Samuel L Jackson and John Cusack that currently sits at a whopping ZERO percent on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s real bad guys. Don’t watch it. There is no joke here, because there is nothing funny about the utter suckitude that is Cell.


You’ve really got to work, to make a movie this bad based on a book this good.


The Secret Life of Pets – From the studio that just keeps making movies about the minions for some dang reason, comes the Secret Life of Pets. A perfectly serviceable kids movie. There’s nothing great here, it’s not Inside Out, it’s not even Finding Dory. But hey, your kids will like this, you’ll probably get a laugh or to, there will inevitably be some questions asked about whether or not your current house pets actually can talk, but there’s nothing wrong with The Secret Life of Pets.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates – A generic R rated comedy from the makers of such things. If you like this sort of ‘shock humor’ this is probably worth the watch, but if you’re not a fan of the genre this won’t make you one. A strong cast makes the fairly blah script come across as slightly above average, but that’s about all that can be said for it.

In summary: The July 8th Weekend is a buffet line of the unremarkable. And Cell is the gum that gets stuck to the bottom of your shoe while you wait in line.

July 15th

Ghostbusters – So everyone hates this apparently. I don’t know why. Maybe they’re sexists, maybe they just really like the original Ghostbusters and don’t feel like we needed a whole new universe, or maybe the uninspired looking trailers have set people off about it. It’s a weird thing. As someone who enjoyed the originals (but didn’t base a religion around it or anything) I’m fine with a new ghostbusters movie, and I was legitimately excited when the cast was announced (though Emma Stone should have been in it) but even I will admit that the trailers haven’t really looked that good. I’ll be interested in the early reviews but for my part I’m predicting the movie will be fine. It won’t be good, it won’t be bad, it’ll be fine. But everyone will hate it anyway. Cause that’s apparently what we’ve decided.


Never have people hated so much four girls wearing window washers clothes.


July 22nd

Star Trek Beyond – Maybe it’s the July 4th malaise talking but I can’t get excited about Star Trek Beyond. It just seems kind of generic and uninspired… or maybe that’s just me I don’t know. I was surprised how much I liked the first movie and I REALLY liked the second movie but this one I just can’t get on board with. It’s like when your phone rings and you see that it’s someone calling you that you haven’t talked to in a few years and you’re just like “Yeah, I like this person but…. Do I really care???”

July 29th

Jason Bourne


Yes, yes we do. From those other three movies he was in.


I’m very interested to see where this goes. Jason Bourne started a whole new wave of spy movies that has honestly kind of come and gone. I mean, Daniel Craigs’ James Bond was basically a beat for beat copy of the Bourne franchise and even that is basically done at this point. And if we’ve learned anything about James Bond it’s that once James Bond has finished beating a dead horse, that horse is well and truly dead. But who knows, maybe Bourne can bring it back. Resurrect it. Give it new life. Have it be… Re-bourne.

Thank you!! Thank you!! I’ll be here all night!! Or at least… on Friday.

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