Well hey Internet, and welcome to the new week, a week where no more will I write a thousand words about musicals for some reason, but rather proceed to (as I am accustomed to) make fun of a mediocre list of movies, currently sitting in theaters.
Box Office Top Ten 6/21/2016
10. Captain America: Civil War
So, if you somehow haven’t seen this movie yet: go see it. It’s in the top 3 best superhero movies ever and you could certainly make the case for it being THE best superhero movie ever. Go see it. Put down that pizza, drops your tickets to X-men: Apocalypse, go see Captain America.
9. Me Before You
A heavy handed, poorly scripted, confusingly messaged movie about paralysis and special needs… you should probably just not watch this. It’s just… it’s not good.
8. Alice Through the Looking Glass
Oh yeah… we got some gems in this pile my friends. The sequel no one asked for, to a movie very few people cared about. And to no one’s great surprise the uninspired sequel to an uninspired movie is VERY uninspiring. It’s just people pointing cameras at actors in weird costumes and making them say vaguely whimsical things. Basically go out in your backyard and try and find a duck to follow around for a few minutes. It’s basically the same thing… good luck finding that duck though.
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Something Something Turtles.
Hey look! It’s ANOTHER uninspired sequel to an uninspired original!! If Alice Thought The Looking Glass is uninspired than TMNT 2 is… unin-good-in-anyway. The only thing vaguely defensible one can say about this mess is that they at least aim for the kids in the audience and hit them squarely at their own intelligence level. And no, that was not a compliment.
6. X-men: Apocalypse
Hey look again!! It’s ANOTHER OTHER uninspired sequel. Granted, it’s at least a sequel to a decent movie, but as I said in my review last week: it’s mostly just a lazy, paint by numbers, movie that distinguishes itself only in the places where it’s terrible. Like eating a hot dog, Apocalypse doesn’t have anything crazy wrong with it, but there’s really nothing there at all to make it anything better than its base parts.
Well at least this is mostly an original movie… I mean it’s based on a game but still… new movie concept anyway. That said: it’s not real good. It’s not real bad either… it’ just sort of around. Which makes it fairly awesome by video game standards but, in the end, it gets crushed under the weight of its own world, its own poor acting, and its own ‘meh’ script. It’s fine, which is good for a video game movie, but it’s not a good movie, which isn’t fine… or something.
4. Now You See Me 2
Oh. My. Grootness. It’s another uninspired sequel. The storm just keeps on stormin.’ (unlike Storm in X-men… who didn’t really Storm very much at all.) Now You See Me 2 isn’t the worst movie on this list, but it’s basically all flash no substance, granted the original was mostly flash anyway, but this is probably more of a rental than it is a theatre movie. It’s fun and inventive and the visuals are interesting but the stories basically just a means to an end here and it makes about as much sense as the ending of the first movie, which is to say: none sense.
3. The Conjuring 2
At least this is a semi-inspired sequel. If you’re into horror this is one of the few franchises still churning out palatable movies so… that’s something I guess. It’s not as good as the first one, but it’s still better than practically everything else going on in the horror genre right now so: hold me closer tiny dancer. I mean: r-e-s-p-e-c-t tell me what it means to me. This isn’t going well at all.
2. Central Intelligence
In a summer filled with terrifyingly bad comedies, Central Intelligence is a pretty decent one. It gets by mostly on the strength of its two leads (Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart) but the script is above average and the story on the whole is pretty good. It’s a real solid movie with decent laughs, and earnest leads who carry the movie to the finish.
1. Finding Dory
And guess what: it’s finally an inspired sequel! Finding Dory isn’t Finding Nemo but it’s pretty danged close. Brilliantly voiced, tightly scripted, and lovingly made Finding Dory makes up for its flaws by emphasizing it’s fantastic cast of well rounded, believable characters. Whether you are a kid, were a kid, have kids, or make your own kids using straw and toothpaste this is a movie you need to see… though maybe not that last guy. The creeper.
And there you have it gang, another day, another top ten! Thanks so much for reading and we’ll see you Friday.