Well hey guys, and welcome to June. A month primarily known for being before July. I mean, I got married in June and June was REAL excited about it. Nothing happens in June, or at least nothing good. And yes: I’m looking at you Warcraft. But more on that in a paragraph.

Weekly Headlines 6/1/2016

Well, it’s been a paragraph guys, so let’s talk about Warcraft. You know how I’ve been increasingly worried that the movie would suck?? It kinda sucks. It seems to have fallen to that classic book/video game problem of being stuck between trying to tell a new story, trying to pay service to its fans, and trying to bring in casual non-fans. It’s a tough line to walk, and for every movie that does it successfully (Lord of the Rings) there are about ten that do it unsuccessfully (The Mortal Instruments, The last two Hunger Games movies, The Host, 6 other examples.) It’s a tough thing to do, and Warcraft has not done it.

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The good news is we didn’t spend a lot on CGI… oh wait.

So Daniel Craig is officially out as James Bond Angry Face. Look, of the four movies Craig was in 2 were good (Skyfall, and Casino Royale) one was fine (Spectre) and one was real real bad (Quantum of Solace) and really that’s not a bad run as James Bond. But that’s over now. Thank you Mr. Craig, you may go home now. So who’s next?? Well the current favorite seems (note the SEEMS) to be Tom Hiddleston. Who is unequivocally a great choice. Maybe take Bond away from Craigs sort of stone face machoness and make him a little more fun? After all if James Bond has been good at anything over the years it’s been mimicking whatever is popular in the action genre at the time, Craig’s Bond was a reaction to Jason Bourne for instance. The popular thing now though is sort of the wise cracking, smart mouthed, Tony Stark style action hero and Hiddleston could definitely do that. So more power to Mr. Hiddleston, but really, whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s James Bond… it’ll be fine.

The Power Rangers producer says he’s anticipating 7-8 Power Rangers movies in the new franchise. I mean on the one hand… I guess??? I mean we’re on 6 Transformers movies and the absolute best one of those was the first one which was “Surprisingly not entirely terrible.” You don’t even need to make a good movie to continue to make movies anymore, all you need is a fan base that for some unknown reason keeps coming to the theater. That said: there will not be 7 Power Rangers movies. Heck I’ll be surprised if there are 3 Power Rangers movies. The first movie will come out and it will be bad but not TOO bad and it will make some money, so some hammered brained studio exec somewhere will say “WE CAN FIX IT!!!” and they’ll make a second movie, which will be terrible and make no money and the franchise will die. So it is spoken, so let it be done.

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Power Rangers??? I guess???

Speaking of doomed franchises: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Sorry about the First One.” Comes out this week… and it’s real bad. Some would say worse than the first one, some would say worse than ANY one. Like literally, any one thing. Ever. Dead muskrat corpse?? Worse. Thanks for making a sequel guys. All the people who could have used that 70 million dollars you spent on this, really appreciate it.

Pitch Perfect 3 has been pushed from July 2017 to December 2017. I mean whatever, I’m sad that this won’t be out in July but this means Christmas songs. Pitcher Perfect with Christmas songs?? That’ll work.

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I don’t know, ladies, but it’s apparently not English majors…

On DVD this week Gods of Egypt and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, easily the most rentable movies ever. I mean no one wants to pay 10 dollars to watch these train wrecks… but don’t you kind of want to see the train wreck?? And the train wreck does have some interesting parts… so rent it. It wasn’t worth ten dollars, but it’s probably worth 1.99. Probably.

Finally: two TV shows are trying to cash in on 80’s franchises and they both look terrible. Lethal Weapon seems like it’s gonna be a bored, tired, has been done better cop show. And MacGyver, which is a series idea that has not aged well. I mean in the 80’s if someone told you that you could make a nuclear reactor out of a paper clip, two pieces of gum, and a toaster you would believe them. Technology was magic back then.

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Of course, the part of MacGyver’s hair was played by two actual ferrets.

For all we knew the only difference between a toaster and a nuclear reactor WAS a piece of gum. This however is 2016. Every third video on my Facebook page is some moron telling me how to make a lampshade out of an old computer and a t-shirt. Everyone can be MacGyver. Everyone with the patience to sit through YouTube ads.

There you have it guys, have a great week, and check in Friday when I preview the movies of June!!

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