In a world where Disney is running out two movies that currently sit above 90% on Rotten Tomatoes and have the top 2 spots in the box office, it’s good sometimes to remember Disney’s humbler times. Times when Disney thought storytelling and sript having were less important that being probably a little racist, and making a LOT of fun of dwarves. So our question for today then is what is the worst Disney movie?? The very scrappiest of the bottom of that well scraped barrel? But why keep going with this teaser paragraph when we can dive right into the equally exciting paragraph wherein I explain some ground rules!!

Them rules: Okay so we’re limiting this purely to animated movies (as you probably surmised from the title.) None of this live action nonsense. Also, I’m arbitrarily eliminating any sequels/sequels to sequels. Sorry Kronk’s New Groove, Mulan 2, The Little Mermaid 2: Electric Fishaloo. You are already (in your own special ways) the worst. Also (for you Disney historians out there) I’m cutting out the WW2 era anthology films that Walt Disney made when most of his studio was off fighting World War 2. Cause Patriotism. In fact, let’s just go ahead and cut out all those weird combination movies Disney made in the 40s/50s. As much as I’m sure The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad deserves to be ridiculed, I’m just gonna keep this to full length feature films that contain one feature. Those are all the rules I can think of right now, but don’t worry, oh rule lovers, I’m sure I’ll be making up some more in no time!!

The Worst Animated Disney Movie

Contestant Number 1: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Snow-White

“So… I don’t want to be that guy but… I’m gonna need all of you to stay out of my room.”

 

Give a big round of applause everyone for our first contestant Snow White!! Disney’s first animated feature Snow White contains all of the things you love about Fairy Tales including horrifyingly old women passing out fruit and life advice, probably being SUPER offensive to little people, and corpse kissin.’ Not only is the main character a helpless mass of humanity with the intelligence of sheet rock, but the films main villain has all the depth and character of a damp piece of lint. In the end the heroines problems are solved by the villain rolling a giant rock on herself and a guy she has met once for about a minute kissing her cold dead lips!! So yay… I guess.

In its defense: This is Disney’s first movie, it was a different time and no one had really sat down and thought to themselves: “How can we create an interesting character” they just thought “Wow that drawing looks really great!!” And “Man am I glad smoking is so good for you! I mean they make me feel great and have ZERO side effects, now if I could just stop coughing long enough to draw this funny dwarf!!” Wow… that got weirdly dark at the end.

Contestant Number 2: Dumbo

Dumbo_G_20150309232624

Oh good… nightmare fuel.

 

Let’s see… Dumbo. Racism: check (the crows.) Horrifyingly sad for no reason: check (when Dumbo’s mother is callously ripped away from Dumbo and proceeds to sing a song that is directly connected to ALL of my sadness.) Horrifyingly horrifying: check (evil clowns/evil clown song.) Teaches children umm… something?? Maybe. I guess. About umm… feathers??

Look, Dumbo is a SERIOUS contender for worst movie. I mean just… all of the wrong that happens in this movie guys. All of the wrong. It’s sad and terrifying and by the time you get around to maybe something to do with believing in yourself maybe, you’re tiny child heart is broken.

In its defense:… I have no defense for Dumbo guys. It’s real bad.

Contestant Number 3: The Fox and the Hound

An adorable fox and a somehow more adorable bloodhound become best friends… and that’s it. That’s the end of the movie. Turn your TV’s off kids and go outside to get some ice cream. It’s over. I promise.

foxandthehound

Yay! What a great movie… wait wait… what do you mean there’s more??

 

Are they gone?? Okay guys this movie is just… it’s so dang sad. It’s the Old Yeller of animated movies. I mean I have not cried at many things in my life but I freekin’ LOST IT during the Fox and the Hound. Little baby Micah was NOT PLEASED. It probably explains about 2/3rds of my raging horrible hatred for mankind, purely because mankind was responsible for this terrifying sad movie. Everybody dies except for the best friends who hate each other now. Are you happy Disney??? Are you happy now?!?!?!

In its defense: I don’t know…  I mean it’s not a bad movie I guess… it’s just SUPER innapriopriate for its intended audience. I mean the fact that it shattered my psyche and created more social issues than I care to shake a therapeutic stick at probably means they created a good character base and story right?? They just did it for super evil reasons.

Contestant Number 4: Bambi

Bambi a movie in which very little happens for a very long time, and then a parent dies. And then… there’s a fire?? And a dog?? And then Bambi’s deadbeat Dad shows up and is all like “Use the Force Bambi!!” And the Bambi blows up the Death Star… I may be hazy on some of these details.

The point is the first hour of this movie is basically a VERY boring nature documentary. I mean there’s a scene where Bambi and that rabbit fail at ice skating and I’m pretty sure it takes about 12 hours. 12 hours of watching a rabbit push a deer around on the ice like the ugliest bobsled. And the just when the movie has lulled you into a nice trance, somebody done shot Bambi’s momma. We don’t know who. Sure it sounds like a gunshot, but Bambi’s mom had also racked up some serious gambling debts to those Possums and making it look like a hunter did it is EXACTLY what those Possums would do. They play for keeps.

bambi

Bambi’s Icescapades did not go well…

 

In its defense: Bambi isn’t the worst movie ever it just kind of wanders around a lot and then shoots Bambi’s mom and then it kind of keeps going afterwards when all the movies audience is doing is pondering the death of this tiny childs parent. The pacing is all askew!! All askew!

And our winner is….

Dumbo-movie2

Somehow even worse nightmare fuel.

 

That’s right, and honestly, it was not that close. I mean Snow White is bad sure but it’s Disney’s first outing and at least it just doesn’t really bother having a coherent story. Dumbo has a coherent story: and it’s the worst story. So thanks Dumbo, thanks for the childhood scars, the racism, and the years of elephant related sadness. You truly are: the worst animated Disney movie.

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Comments
  1. Um. How can The Black Cauldron not be on this list?

    It is unnecessarily dark, takes an amazingly deep and inspiring story and turns it into a shallow “adventure,” and the animation quality seems to be mimicking Snow White…

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