Well hello Internet, friends, family, people who have accidentally clicked on this website and will be grossly disappointed by its contents. No matter what road you took to get here, or what road you’ll take to leave here, welcome to here. The place we call: “here.” And now: on to the headlines.

The Weekly Headlines 4/19/2016

So we now live in a world where this exists.


You’re welcome world.


Yeah, I’m in granted, it’s still not a great world. But I’m super excited for that mess. Denzel, Pratt, and Vincent D’Noff… that guy from Daredevil is in there too. The Magnificent Seven is supposed to hit theaters September 23rd and I am all in. I mean what was the last great Western?? True Grit?? In 2010? Yeah. I’m in on this like flys on a dead dog. Like a dead dog on a dead log. Like Abraham Lincoln on a log cabin. And other westernisms.

Netflix’s next new series: Iron Fist started production recently! Very excited to see where this goes and to watch some sweet sweet Kung Fu fighting. I had some questions about the Netflixiverse after Daredevil season 1’s pacing problems but a great Jessica Jones series and a really solid second outing for Daredevil has me back in. Excited for this and for Luke Cage and then the Defenders super combo series!! There’s so much to be excited for, the world is a magical place! Why am I filled with bitterness again?


James Cameron announced plans to make 4 Avatar movies. Oh right… that’s why.


Look James, I got the first movie, sure it was basically just Blue Pocahontas. But it was real pretty, so I guess that’s something. But 4 movies??? 4 movies based around the idea of “hey look at that thing.” And all of them featuring the semi-talents of Hollywoods “Oh he’s not as talented as we thought he was”  Sam Worthington? Thanks James, but no thanks. Maybe go back and fix the Terminator franchise or something, I don’t know, but let’s just leave the fact that Avatar is somehow still the highest grossing movie of all time and minimize our cinematic shame.

Captain America: Civil War (premiering May 6th) has gotten positive early reviews thus far. This needs to be taken with all the grains of salt though as most movies that let people watch them this early only let people watch them who they know will like them. I mean “Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Ignoring Character Building” got good early reviews and that movie currently sits at a whopping 28% on Rotten Tomatoes. That said, it seems to be a really solid movie and I am ALL the excited about it. ALL the excited. Oh and apparently (according to rumor) Spiderman is in it more than a lot of people thought, so that’s a win.

Suicide Squad released it’s last trailer last week and it honestly still looks pretty good. The trailer at least made it look like Batman is featured fairly heavily (always nice) and the movie really seems to be trying to distance itself from Batman V Superman which is a VERY good thing in this case. And hey, at least this DC product has released great trailers that haven’t given away the villain, the plot, and the twist at the end. They’re learning… slowly. But they’re learning.


What do you mean we shouldn’t give away huge swaths of the plot??


Jason Bourne (cause apparently we’re not putting a 4 next to that for some reason) is releasing a trailer this Thursday. The movie hits theaters July 29th and as far as we know we’re all ignoring that whole “Jeremy Renner is the new Bourne” thing that happened. Which is fine with me cause I certainly ignored that movie so why should I demand any more out of the company that spent millions of dollars producing it?


JasonBourne: Because numbers and spaces are for wimps.


The Jungle Book took the top spot at the box office this week, playing on the nostalgia of parents, childrens desires to see talking animals, and Disney’s desire to take over the world one dollar at a time. Batman V Superman has fallen all the way to number 4 just ahead of the wildly better (and also talkingly animaled) Zootopia. Behind Zootopia is “Criminal” a movie from the continueing extremely odd trend of old white guys trying to be Liam Neeson. Look guys, there’s only one Liam Neeson.  And he’s Liam Neeson. And he’s probably standing right behind you with a gun.

And in a late addition to this week’s Headlines, Warcraft released a new Trailer this morning. And guys… I’m mostly out on this being a great movie. It MIGHT still be good, it will probably be fun. But I think it’s definitely out on greatness. Just the acting seems spotty, and the more I watch the Orcs the more I think we won’t really be able to connect with them as characters. They just look kinda rubbery. And the story is basically Warcraft 3, which is fine, that’s about what I expected, but the acting has me concerned. I think it will definitely be a fun sort of nostalgic run through swords and shields and magic, but it’s not gonna have the gravitas needed to reach that Lord of the Rings kind of greatness.

And there you go fair friends, brothers and sisters of this Interconnected Web-like device. Fare thee well, until I see thee once more upon Friday.

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