The Jungle Book (1967)

Posted: April 15, 2016 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , , , , ,

Internet! Welcome, to a retro episode of Thoughts We Might Have Had, wherein we look back at the things we used to love, and realize they were WAY creepier then we thought.

But first: some housekeeping. We’re gonna switch back to a Tuesday, Friday release schedule for posts. This was actually the original format for the site that we switched away from for… some reasons that I’m not entirely sure of now. But anyway, on with the show… or post. Or something.

Micah Retro Reviews: The Jungle Book (1967)

Thejunglebook_movieposter

Yes. Ballou is a different color in the original poster. Ya racist.

 

The Plot: So… once upon a Jungle Bagheera (a black panther) finds a young boy in a basket. Or is that Moses? Too many boys, not enough baskets. Anyway, Mowgli or Moses or Oliver Twist or whoever the heck was in the basket is taken by Bagheera to a wolf who has just had some baby wolves (pups if you want to be technical) and the new mother wolf adopts the baby Basket human because ummm… Lunch?? Free lunch I guess? Basically Mowgli is the wolf version of a luncheable. Easy to carry around, not your first choice for a meal but a viable back up if you don’t have time for anything else.

Anyway, ten years later Mowgli is somehow still alive, but then the wolves learn that Shere Khan a Tiger who eats people (because of course he does) and the wolves decide to send Mowgli back to the man village where maybe he can find some freekin’ pants for goodness sakes. But Mowgli runs away from Bagheera and goes wandering around the Jungle looking for some semblance of the book this movie is based on. As he stumbles blindly through the jungle in his bare feet, hoping against hope to find some creature below him on the food chain, Mowgli meets a bear named Ballou who he implicitly trusts and some Elephants who are very sadly stricken with Alzheimers. It’s real depressing.

The Jungle Book (1967)

But the cast party after the movie was great.

 

Then he meets a snake who somehow has gained the ability to hypnotize people. No idea how that happened, blood sacrifice, some sort of residual snake/devil contract. Along with the fact that Mowgli for some reason knows he should wear a loincloth but not pants this particular plotline is left unexplored. Finally, he meets a giant monkey who wants Mowgli to show him “man’s red fire” which just makes no sense. I mean what does the giant monkey think he’s going to do with fire?? Why didn’t he ask Mowgli to show him “Man’s red pants” or “Man’s red indoor plumbing.”

Once all that mess is over with we remember that whole “Shere Khan” thing is a plot point and wouldn’t you know it, Mowgli’s vague and un thought out plan to do… something… fails miserably and Ballou and Bagheera almost die before lightning strikes a tree and Mowgli lights the entire jungle on fire putting hundreds and thousands of forest animals in mortal peril and destroying their homes. But the one kid and his lack of pants is okay so… yay?

khan!!

Shere Khan is SOOOOO not amused.

 

And after all that, Mowgli sees one girl balancing a pot on her head and decides to leave all his friends who risked their lives for him in the interest of flirting. And so, Mowgli leaves the forest for a woman, having endangered the lives of his friends (who he abandoned) and burned down huge swaths of his jungle home in a desperate attempt to not do, the thing he does voluntarily in the end.

The end.

In Conclusion:

So there you go guys, a 1967 movie release now being remade with a billion dollar effects budget, and a zero dollar pants budget. Jungle Book 1967 is by no means a perfect movie, but it is a movie with some great songs (the Bear Necessities especially) and everyone’s favorite indecisive gang of buzzards.

ballou disguise

So Mowgli doesn’t know to where pants, but Ballou knows to where a grass skirt in his weird, cross-species seduction?

 

Thanks for reading fair friends, and I shall see thee upon Tuesday next.

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