Weekly Headlines: 4/8/2016

Posted: April 8, 2016 by Micah in Randomnicity, Weekly Headlines
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Well hey Internet, happy Friday, and all that weekend stuff. So after Wednesday’s triumphant triumph, in which I definitely solved all of DC’s problems forever. I thought I’d take a post just to look around at the movie landscape and see what other problems I could solve, what other rights I could wrong, what vague references to candy products I could make!

Weekly Headlines: 4/8/2016

So probably the biggest movie news of the week was the new Star Wars Rogue One trailer. To sum it up: It’s pretty sweet. I mean it’s not as awesome as the first Force Awakens trailer but it looks really good! Like the new heroine interesting appearance by Mon Mothma (if you don’t know who Mon Mothma is then congratulations: you are not a Star Wars nerd. Enjoy that whole, real life thing.) I’m not sure how I feel about that old man taking out Stormtroopers with a stick… they’re in armor right??? If you hit a stormtrooper with a stick that doesn’t… work, right?? Anyway, other than that I thought it looked great. Love a more, boots on the ground, Star Wars story. I think it’ll give us a cool look at Star Wars outside of the 6 characters we’ve been following around the galaxy for the last thirty years. JJ Abrams brought the Star Wars Franchise back, but this is the first real entirely new Star Wars concept and I’m all in after the trailer. Though I was disappointed that Wash (Alan Tudyk) didn’t make an appearance, though apparently he’s doing motion capture for a droid, which I did find dissapointing.

starsecret

One of the bigger questions is: who’s this guy? And why is he staring at that giant frozen Capri Sun?

Melissa McCarthy is coming back to Gilmore Girls. Yay. Be excited Stars Hollow people, this is good because Melissa McCarthy is an important part of the Gilmore Girls… girliverse?? And because it was gonna be real awkward to have her character constantly “in the other room” or “She just went to pick up the kids” or “something something probably coffee.”

Charlize Theron just signed on to play the main villain in Fast 8. The latest entry in the “how many weird ways can we use the words on The Fast and Furious” series. I mean we had Furious 7, now we’ve got Fast 8. What’s after this?? “The 9??” TFF9??? Still though, Theron will be fine. If nothing else Fast and Furious has proven it can have actors growl lines about “The street” convincingly. Maybe something about “It’s all about family” while sipping on a “Corona” driving a “chevy” and cashing their “promotional checks.”

fast8

Fast 8: Cause someone, somewhere is still watching these.

Jungle Book: Origins has been pushed back again, this time all the way back to 2018. This Jungle Book not to be confused with the one that comes out next week, is directed by Andy “The Gollum” Serkis. This might be a reaction to the VERY positive early reviews from Disney’s Jungle Book, which (according to critics) “Is a movie, about a Jungle, but (in a shocking and unexpected twist) doesn’t actually feature any books.”

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Nerd Whining dropped more than one hundred million dollars between its first week and its second week while remaining the top movie at the box office. Expect another drop this week, but also expect it to stay atop the box office for another week. It’s biggest competition this week is gonna be umm… The Boss, I guess? A comedy starring the aforementioned Melissa McCarthy and featuring virtually no actual comedy, but only a tofu comedy-like substance.

melissa-mccarthy

On the wall behind the painting, is another painting of another Melissa McCarthy. It’s Melissa McCarthy Inception: Melception.

That said, expect Jungle Book to come out next week and wipe the floor with BvS’s narratively confused corpse. Early reviews have been great and after two weeks with nothing to see but two superheroes growling about how much it sucks to be a superhero, people will flock to a movie that features likeable characters, a sensical story, and the one thing that Batman V Superman lacked the most: a giant monkey with the voice of Christopher Walken. Which (if you think about it) is what we’ve all been missing. All our lives.

Thank you Christopher, and goodnight.

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