Hey guys, I’m back. No worries. I left you alone in the cold for a full week and I know that was scary for you. I know you were lost, bereft, and other synonyms but it’s okay now. Micah’s home. Home just in time to kick off the month of April and realize with startling certainty that April is kinda gonna suck. like a lot. So strap in folks: Cause this ain’t gonna be pretty.
Also, (just to challenge myself) I’m throwing in a new “Tomato Prediction” wherein I try and guess the Rotten Tomato score the movie will have after 1 week in the theater! Cause what’s life without a challenge I ask you???
Well, easier I guess. Why am I doing this again?
The Movies of April (such as they are)
Miles Ahead– Don Cheadle stars as Miles Davis, famed trumpet player and huge cheek haver.
I mean this looks good, but it’s the classic movie that you’ll kinda mean to see but never get around to actually seeing. Like Rey, or I Walk the Line. It’ll come up again around Oscar season and you’ll go “Oh yeah, I meant to watch that.” And you will still not watch it. You uncultured, musically stunted, cretan.
I won’t watch it either. Just FYI: I am also a cretan.
Tomato Predictor: 70-80%
April 8th –
Mr. Right – Anna Kendrick, Sam Rockwell, and Tim Roth star in a movie about an eccentric hitman and his even more eccentric girlfriend. And Tim Roth. Look, on strength of cast alone I’m interested in this movie, that said the last Anna Kendrick movie I recommended to you guys was “Get a Job” and that movie was REAL bad. Like… just real bad. So I don’t know anymore guys, this looks good though and Sam Rockwell is always worth the price of admission so go check it out, frankly, there really isn’t a “must see” in this entire month so you mine as well go see this as anything else. That counts as a recommendation, right?
Tomato Predictor: 60-70%
The Boss – Look, I think Melissa McCarthy is funny, but this movie looks TERRIBLE. Something about a businesswoman who gets arrested and then becomes a Girl Scout leader. This movie screams “kind of funny SNL sketch idea” which never ends well when someone stretches it into an hour and a half long feature. I have rarely been more comfortable telling people to avoid a movie. Sorry Melissa.
Tomato Predictor: 10-20%. (And that’s a high guess on that one guys. I would not be surprised if this didn’t crack 10%.
Hardcore Henry – An R rated action movie filmed entirely from the first person, Hardcore Henry is at least a different take on the genre. I’m interested, but probably not enough to drag my lazy keister to a cinema and fork over 10 dollars. If you’re a big fan of the action genre or first person video games it’s probably worth a look, but good old Hank will have to wait till I can watch it from the comfort of my own house, filled with the comfort of all the Ramen I will buy with that 10 dollars I saved.
Tomato Predictor: 60-70% (Gonna get by on novelty alone to a certain point)
The Jungle Book – Guys… I may be out on the Jungle Book. I just can’t muster up the strength to care that much about it. I mean, I’m sure it’ll be fine. Probably good even. But the more things I watch for it, the more I’m reminded that I’ve already seen the Jungle Book. A lot. I get why Disney is going back and re-mastering these things, I’m not against them re-releasing these kids movies for this generation of kids. But unlike say “Inside Out” which I really enjoyed cause it was a new and different thing, I just can’t get myself interested in this. Maybe I’ll catch it on the DVD release but I said roughly the same thing about last years Cinderella and I still haven’t gone back and done that. I’m in no way against the Jungle Book, but in the ever present movie vs. Ramen debate, I’m currently leaning towards the Beef flavored contestant.
Tomato Predictor: 70-80 %
Ratchet & Clank – Seems like a decently accurate representation of a video game series that I always meant to play but never actually have. So in keeping with my Ratchet & Clank tradition I will mean to see this, but probably won’t.
Tomato Predictor: 60-70 %
Mother’s Day – Oh look, it’s another Romantic Comedy movie about a bunch of semi relevant stars, doing things that vaguely connect to a holiday.
And I’m out.
Tomato Predictor: 20-30%
And guys, that’s kind of it. Some fine movies to be sure, but not that one movie I feel you NEED to go and see. Last month must see carry over Zootopia is still going strong, and if you want to see something and then have either a very strong reaction, no reaction, or an entirely indifferent reaction Batman V Superman is right there. (But more on that come Thursday.) Till then, keep thinking’ those thoughts! (And I’m gearing up for another mailbag so feel free to post comments in the questions or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org )