Retro Review: Mary Poppins

Posted: February 25, 2016 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , , , ,

So there’s been a lot of chatter lately about “Mary Poppins 2: Wait, What?” What with the rumored casting of Emily Blunt as Mary Poppins and Daniel Craig as the voice of Mary Poppins’ parrot umbrella (not true) and of course the rumor that this is a dumb, stupid idea for a sequel that no one has asked for, and that no one should care about. But that’s all rumors…  Except for the things I made up.

But anyway, this recent influx of Mary Poppins has pointed out a void in our society. Very few people have made use of the internet to post reviews of movies that were released in 1964, called Mary Poppins. It is a huge gaping hole, in America’s cultural dam, and I, like the dirtiest finger on the dutchiest dutch boy, am here to plug that hole.

Micah Retro Reviews: Mary Poppins


Mary Poppins: the movie in all of Cinema History that needs a sequel the least.


So there are some kids. And they (like many kids… except for yours Tina) are the worst. Just… just the worst. Anyway, they lose their governess (English for “babysitter all the time”) and need a new one. So they’re father who is a banker named… Banks??? I think. Holds auditions for a new Governess, because the kids mother is too busy being a suffragette just sort of… sufragetting along… though she is kinda hot as I recall.. hang on.


I uh… I may have misremembered a few things.


Oh… oh no. Little Micah apparently had REAL low standards of hotness… I’m so ashamed.

Anyway, the Governess auditions are going fine until suddenly, from the west, a huge gust of wind BLOWS ALL THE OTHER APPLICANTS AWAY. Yeah, you read that right, a freak wind blows all the other applicants away with gale force intensity. Something (or someone) created winds strong enough to pick people up off the ground, and whisk them away. And then (just to add to the general witch factor) Mary Poppins flies in on an umbrella and proceeds to act like nothing out of the ordinary happened.

So Mary Poppins gets the job and proceeds to instantly declare herself perfect, and spend some time reaching into a literal magic bag. She then proceeds to wander around the greater London area with these children, but not before introducing them to all around dirty person ‘Bert’ who has one of the least English, English accents ever.

Dick van Dyke as Bert the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins

Burt: The dirt covered uncle you didn’t know you needed.


Over the course of their time with ‘Bert’ the children will spend some time floating high above the ground and drinking tea with a strange man who talks about dead cats and one legged men. Ride around on carrousel horses that they took without permission from the owner, or the laws of the universe. Have tea waited on by Penguins who were probably not licenses servers. And (of course) spend some time on the roofs of London, watching a bunch of potentially homeless people, dance around for the benefit of their evil sorcerous of a baby sitter.

Once they’re done with all that stuff and nonsense, they return home for a nice quiet sleep before waking up the next day, going to their fathers bank, and promptly getting him fired. Oh though the old man who fires him is CLEARLY ‘Burt’ in some sort of disguise. Meaning that either A: Burt is living some sort of elaborate double life. Or that he (like Mary herself) is a practitioner of the dark arts.


He even kinda looks like Dumbledore.


In the end, their father copes with his unemployment by going to a park, and buying a kite from Burt, who (let us remember) fired him, only 24 hours earlier. And so, having destroyed their fathers career, set entirely unrealistic expectations for their future, and introduced them to most of the underprivileged men in London; Mary Poppins mounts her broomstick… I mean her ‘umbrella’ and flies away.

In Conclusion:

Honestly: This is one of my favorite ‘Old School Disney movies.’ The songs are great, Dick Van Dyke is awesome (though seriously, he may have learned his English accent in Australia.) And, just for a moment let us reflect upon the fact that those kids, were legitimately the worst. It certainly doesn’t need a sequel Disney, but it’s a great movie.

So there you go guys: dam. Plugged. You’re welcome, and I’ll see you next week.

    • drfiddledd says:

      I thought Mrs. Banks was hot too! I thought she was hot when she was in The Court Jester with Danny Kaye too—but I was 8 then.

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