Internet!! How’s the sauce?? What’s the story? Wishbone. Well gang, we’ve almost made it! We’re practically one half of the way through Jefbruary! That’s the good news, the bad news is the slog is just beginning. January is easy, you’ve got all that December happiness to carry over, now it’s run out. Now it’s just you and your sadness and the snow. Aren’t you glad you read this comedy blog to lift you up??
For serious though, here’s a list of 5 things that I learned from the Lion King, a movie so classic, so family friendly, and so warmly full-filling that I obviously couldn’t pass up the chance to make fun of it!
5 Things I Learned from The Lion King
5. It’s really cool to give people nicknames based on their flaws.
What’s that Derrick?? You have a Scar on your face?? That’s awesome, I think we’ll call you Scar from now on!! Hope us constantly reminding you of a facial wound doesn’t in any way turn you into a crazy murderer!! And yes, Scars original name was Derrick. I know these things.
But I mean, if you had a big nose and everyone called you The Big Snoz. Or Flamingo Face. Or… Fat… Nose… Butt. Or something. You might start conniving lavish plans to kill your James Earl Jones brother too!! Maybe.
4. If you disobey your parents they will die.
Yup… this is why your parents showed you this movie. To teach you that the second you step out of line: Wildebeasts. Forget to clean your room? Wildebeests. They’re coming for your parents, and you’ll be alone and lonely and eat bugs. All because you didn’t finish your peas, Little Johnny Long-nose!!!
3. If you obey your uncle your parents will also die.
Never trust your uncle. Dude is a murderer, trying to steal your fathers kingdom… I mean swimming pool. Or whatever. I am an uncle and I can tell you: this is a hundred percent true. I’m regularly trying to arrange run by wildebeestings at my brother’s house!! But he’s too cunning for me… and also lives in New England… where at best I can only get a hold of one or two Wildebeests. And that William has a very busy schedule.
2. The best way to teach is through cranial abuse.
Having trouble with your students?? Don’t feel like you’re getting through with your valuable math lessons?? Looking for an easy solution? Whack them on the head with a stick. Having trouble getting your students to understand the literary value of Jane Austen?? Stick whack.
“Miss Tomiljenkjohns, I don’t understand how in the third law of thermodynamics there’s a—“ Stick whack. That’s right, little Timmy. Miss Tomiljenkjohns won’t take your crap anymore. She’s out for blood. She’s got a stick and she’s on a RAMPAGE!!!
1. Your dad is a leaf on the wind, watch how he soars.
I’m kidding. But also, seriously, dude is a leaf.
Or a raincloud.
Or a baseball player??
1. If your dad is James Earl Jones you will grow up alone.
Luke Skywalker, Simba, probably… some other people. Your dad has a great voice. Enjoy listening to his dulcet tones, and sage council. Cause he gonna die. His awesome voice will not be with you long. Did you know that He STILL voices Darth Vader?? In last years Star Wars Rebels, he worked two episodes as Darth Vader!! What a legend!! 30 years of Darth Vader… and like… a minute of fatherhood.
Seems about right.
So there you go guys! My last post of January… it’s all downhill from here.