Internet! Hello and how are ya?? How’s the new year treating you? Do you realize we are, somehow, almost out of January??? I mean that’s a little crazy, right? My how time flies when you’re… in January. Anyway, wherever you are in the world, hopefully you’re living good times, making good rhymes, and umm… ringing some chimes in 2016.
So that was the uplifting part of this blog, now onto the bad news: namely, there still aren’t many good movies in theaters. As a demo of that here are the top ten movies at the box office and the 3 of those movies that you should actually watch.
Box Office Top Ten 1/26/2016
10. The Big Short
Our first actually watchable movie is also the one that’s pretty much not in any theaters. It’s a great ensemble movie despite being about… the financial crises?? Maybe?? Something having to do with confusing housing/money dealings but it’s got a great cast, a solid script, and an interesting way of explaining it’s more complicated concepts. It also has an R rating so be advised, but it’s a good movie on the whole and that is a rare, rare thing in these times. In fact the next… 7 movies I’m about to list are all things that you should not watch unless you are desperate, and hate yourself, and want to corrode your brain until it resembles nothing so much as a seventy year old spoon at the bottom of the ocean.
9. Norm of the North
The first time I saw the phrase: twirking bear. I assumed it was just a statement about the bad animation or the fact that the movie was superficial and shallow and stupid and reminded people of Miley Cyrus, but no. Apparently there is an actual twirking polar bear in this literal garbage pile of a movie. Literally: It’s a garbage pile. Do not watch this.
8. Daddy’s Home
An utterly forgettable comedy starring Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. I would tell you about this movie and why it’s so forgettable… but I forgot.
7. 13 Hours: The Soldiers of Something Something Michael Bay Movie
Look, this movie isn’t terrible. Okay… it’s at least only a little terrible. I mean it’s a Michael Bay movie, so the characters are bland and uninteresting, the story doesn’t make a lot of sense, but the action is decent. John Krasinski is pretty good and raises the question: What if Marvel had cast him as Captain America instead of Chris Evans??? What sort of world would THAT be???? Basically the same. I mean they’re both fine. So… that was anti-climactic.
6. The 5th Wave
Yet another attempt at being the Hunger Games, the 5th Wave has something to do with Aliens, and a young plucky woman standing up for her family and love and everyones right to whistle… or something. Basically you can go to a theater, pay ten dollars, and watch this. Or you can stay home, open up Netflix, and watch the Hunger Games… which are better. I’m just gonna close this case now… maybe leave it here.
5. The Boy
Oh no. It’s a horror movie about little, fake, boy doll with some creepy parents and it turns out the boy is alive and a ghost, and his parents were somehow involved in his death. How novel and shocking and new. Yay.
4. Dirty Grandpa
This year’s annual: look at all the stupid vulgar things we can make people do/say/talk about when we pay them all this money! Look I don’t mind edgy humor, I think it can be hilarious if done well, this isn’t done well. This is done lazily and cliché-ly where rather than coming up with legitimately funny things, the writers just thought how they could demean/offend people and went with that. Oh goody.
3. Ride Along 2
And what would this sad, tired, top ten list be without a tired, sad, sequel that wastes a good cast by surrendering to the inevitable march of having to make another movie because: money. If you want to watch a Ride Along movie, just go watch the first one. Don’t watch this. It’s the worst.
2. Star War:s Episode 7- The Force Awakens
Yup, this is still hanging around out here. Look, I’ve talked A LOT about this movie but suffice to say: It’s awesome. If I hadn’t already seen it twice, I would go watch it again. Heck if I had the time/income/not anti-socialness I would go a third time. It’s a party in your nostalgia. Get up on it.
1. The Revenant
A movie that basically amount to 2 hours of watching Leonardo DiCaprio suffer. I mean if you like Leo it’s great cause he gives a great performance, and if you don’t like him, it’s great because he literally gets killed by a bear. Like literally. A bear killed him. On the set. In real life.
And there you go gang, the top ten. The best of the mediocre. The last of the January box offices.
In a final side note, recently I was asked by the great folks at MoviePilot.com to join up with their website, and I (being me) of course accepted and am now spreading the joy of Thoughts we Might Have Had over there!! So check out my first article on there about Alan Rickman’s Top Ten movie by clicking the link here! I’m gonna be posting both places so if you’re a fan of little of old me go ahead and follow me both places just to make sure you don’t miss a single Thought… That I Might Have Had.