Ah, Weekly Headlines, a section of this website so ironically named that it practically is (in and of itself) the funniest joke on this website. Sure, I could change the name to “Every Once in a While Headlines” but that’s a way less catchy name and would involve me clicking 3 maybe 4 extra things so… that’s not happening. Let’s instead just move on with our semi-regularly scheduled blog shall we?

Weekly Headlines 1/24/2016

So in a big, big win for me, studios have pushed back the release of the way to soon ‘Jumanji’ remake!! That’s right folks for some unknown reason Sony thought it was a good idea to remake ‘Jumanji’ for no reason WAY to soon, and I as the well-tempered, well-known, and well-fared man that I am spoke out against this gross misconduct. Shouted it from the roof tops, yelled it as I rode angrily through small Boston communities, and published it on little read websites operating under a sub-domain! This dogged and dog filled campaign reached the ears of Sony and they (in shame and fear) have pushed back its release.


Leave our Robin Williams filled childhoods alone, Sony.


In other news they moved up the release of the Spider-man reboot to ‘Jumanji’s previous date. Experts say these two events may be (in some small way) connected.

But it was mostly me.

In other, movie moving news, in a move that should surprise exactly no one, Disney moved Star Wars Episode 8 back to December of 2018. What, you thought Disney was gonna give you TWO Star Wars movies in 7 months???  Hahahahahaha. You will get Star Wars when Disney says you can have it! Not a moment sooner. Stop that. Sit down and eat your peas/watch Finest Hours. Stop right now.

And when Disney moved Star Wars back, they moved up ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 5: We’re Actually Making Pirates of the Caribbean 5.’ The ummm… good news??? Is that Orlando Bloom is back. Thus far all we know is Jack Sparrow will be searching for Poisedon’s Trident and umm… that’s it.


Pirates of the Caribbean: Cause every good horse needs someone to beat it death.


Suicide Squad released a new trailer this week and it was actually pretty awesome. I mean any trailer that adequately uses ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ is a trailer worth watching but this movie looks really good and interesting, and someone apparently gave Jai Courtney just… all the drugs. I mean he seems to have emotions AND facial expressions in this movie, and that’s a minor miracle right there. Plus this movie has: Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje in it. I think I sprained a couple fingers just typing that in.

Neil Patrick Harris was recently cast as Count Olaf in Netflix’s A Series of Unfortunate Events mini-series. When asked to comment a Netflix official cackled evil and jumped into his personal giant pile of money, while wearing a Captain Hammer shirt. (most of you will not get that joke, but I have no regrets.)


Count Olaf you say????


Horror Movie ‘The Boy’ premieres this week promising to boar you with its premise, and dazzle you with its non-fright!! Generally this wouldn’t be news but when stacked against the other things opening this week it is practically The Dark Knight. What I’m saying is, maybe stay home this weekend, bake a cake, write in your dream journal, paint that painting you’ve been pining to paint for so long. But don’t go to the movie theatre.

And in our final story London Has Fallen is still a thing that’s happening, and as an American I feel it’s important that I send my sincerest apologies to Britain. I’m sorry guys, we couldn’t think of anything else to do with our excess Gerard Butler, just pass him on back when you’re done maybe we can trick Canada into taking him for a bit if we wrap in a beaver pelt and fill him full of Donuts.

london has fallen

I’m thinking we can do “Montreal Has Fallen” or maybe “Saskatchewan Looks a Bit Tipsy eh?””


So there you have it guys, all the news that really mattered in movies this week… except for the things I ignored. Or forgot. Or was unaware of.

But there you go.

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