Well hey Internet, and welcome to what is quite possibly the last of my annual, new years, positifcation postings. That special time of year where we look at January and February (Jefbruary) and all remember how much Hollywood hates us.

That’s right gang, Hollywood is taking a few months off, and leaving us with our weird, drunk Aunt Kathy as a babysitter. The Oscar bait has been baited, the big blockbusters are done, and now all that’s left for movie studios to do is put out all their worst crappiest crap, and hope we will go to theaters purely for the central heating, and popcorn.

This is (sadly) very affective.

Every year at this time it’s a tradition for me to warn people to please NOT go to movie theaters, it’s also a tradition for me to find one movie to believe in that will inevitably let me down, crush my spirit, and leave me wondering what the point of life and skittles is.

Admittedly, it’s not a great tradition.

But why reflect on the pointlessness of traditions, when we can just go right on traditioning????

Jefbruary Extravaganza 2016

Okay so, we’re about midway through January at this point and things are already rapidly spiraling downhill. Last weeks number 1 movie at the box office for instance was Ride Along 2, a movie that not only has achieved a dismal 13% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, but has also been called the cinematic equivalent of being slapped in the face with a rotting elk. So things are going about as well as you’d expect. Also: 13 hours came out and was a movie by Michael Bay that wasn’t that great (shocker) and something called ‘Norm of the North’ a movie so bad it achieved a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

“But wait, you say with a twinkle in your eye, surely it can’t be all bad, right?? Surely, it can’t be all bad, Magic Man?!”

“Well kid, it mostly is. Now, stop eye twinkling, and don’t call me Surely!!!”

And that about sums up Jefbruary.

January 22nd

Dirty Grandpa comes out this weekend. The good news is: you’ve seen this movie before. So no need to waste all that valuable time you have, watching it again. A guy and his grandpa take a trip and the grandpa really knows how to live and does a lot of shocking, raunchy things that Grandparents probably shouldn’t do. Yay.

Also, the 5th Wave comes out, that latest entry of “You like the Hunger Games, right???” Movie Genre wherein a young heroin fights some sort of system (Alien System in this case) and finds a hunky chiseled stranger to love, and a child to protect, and at some point someone probably puts her down cause she’s ‘just some old girl.’ Thanks 5th Wave, but we’ve been to this party before.

would-you-survive-to-the-5th-wave-616091

“Don’t look over there little guy. That’s just Katness from that other, vastly superior movie.” 

January 29th

Okay so there are three movies this weekend that MIGHT, be good. Maybe.

The Finest Hours – Disney is a very smart company. They own all the money, they should be pretty smart. So surely if Finest Hours was actually good they would have released some time when people we’re actually going to movie theaters, right? My guess is this’ll be fine. It won’t be terrible but it won’t be overly exciting, and you’ve probably seen the one or two action scenes in the trailer already. They’ll be a lot of talking about courage, and bravery, and how the ocean is like a bear and if you respect it it’ll take care of you but if you take it for granted it will bury you in the woods and stomp on your face, and tell you it will go to prom with you but then actually go with Tommy Halkins from chemistry class just because Tommy has a nice car and a rich dad.

Danged Ocean.

Also we have Jane Got a Gun a movie that sounds like a great idea, until you realize it’s been in development for like… five years, has had roughly eight casting changes, and the trailer looks REALLY bad. Like real bad. I like Natalie Portman at times, and Ewan McGregor all the time but… this is probably gonna suck.

 

Jane-Got-a-Gun-poster-2-600x815

Don’t get me wrong, if one bad movie is what it takes to get Ewan McGregor in that mustache, it was totally worth it. 

Kung Fu Panda 3… is a thing. This’ll be fine. Your kids will like it because it’s a Panda and he’s fat and then there are other pandas who will also probably be fat. Look, these are dine movies, there’s nothing terrible about them. But as has been my theme thus far: You’ve seen this movie before… twice really

February 5th

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies will (also after many years of development) be coming to screens and honestly… it’ll probably be entertaining. Look, if you liked Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter or any other sort of “Hey guys, it’s that thing you like/know about, but I put some ZOMBIES in it” sort of genre, then you’ll like this. The script will be meh, the plot won’t make any sense, but that’s not why you walked into the theatre in the first place is it??? You came to watch the cast of Pride and Prejudice kill some zombies, and that’s what you’ll get. It won’t be terrible, it won’t really be great, it will just sort of exist.

Okay so… I don’t know what to do with Hail Caesar, guys. I love the Cohen brothers, I love the cast of this movie, my only real question is… what is this doing here?? In Jefbruary??? Jefbruary is the skeleton filled closet of the film industry, it’s not where you release great movies, with awesome casts and good writing. It’s where you release (as a crazy example) Jupiter Ascending. I’m so confused, and afraid. Did something weird happen and like Jonah Hill finally just went insane and ran through every shot buck naked??? (Cause that will happen one day.) I’m very excited for this movie and VERY confused about my excitement… it’s like if the Groundhog from groundhog day suddenly got super excited and popped up January 10th passing out free Easter eggs, and setting off 4th of July fireworks. Nothing about this makes sense!

Hail-Caesar-poster

That’s right buddy, you get George Clooney out of Jefbruary fast!! 

February 12th

Now see, Deadpool, is the perfect example of a Jefbruary movie I’m interested in. Cause it could be great, but if it’s not great it will be TERRIBLE. Sure the trailers have been funny, but it’s easy to make a good trailer (cut to Micah glaring at Zach Snyder.) It’s hard to make a full length movie though, based around Deadpool’s sort of self-aware, referential humor. It’s REALLY hard. And if you don’t do it successfully, you will fail miserably. Making Deadpool is like making a youtube video of someone tightrope walking over a live volcano: if it works you will be awesome. If it doesn’t, you’ll be a slurpy.

Zoolander 2 comes out so… I mean, whatever. It’ll be fine. I don’t care at all, but there are certainly worse movies being made this year. Let Ben Stiller do his thing, he seems like a nice enough guy who hasn’t completely Adam-Sandlered himself yet. Go for it, Ben.

February 26th

Gods of Egypt is another perfect Jefbruary movie. It seems like each Jefbruary we get a vaguely supernatural/historical sci-fi movie that looks interesting and action packed, but inevitably is terrible and generic. So I’m already out on this. I’ve been burned by too many I Frankensteins and Wrath of the Titans.’ I’m sure it will have some cool fights and that Gerard Butler will be a real shouty/hairy person but… I’m just earmarking this as a “Watch on Netflix in about 8 months” movie and moving on with my bad self.

1450289487924

What do you mean you don’t think they had cybernetic rob-dogs in ancient Egypt?? 

So there you go guys, the sad dreary sadness that is Jefbruary. Buckle up, believe in the Cohen brothers, and maybe we’ll make it through this thing, and get to March: when the real movies come out.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s