Guys… it’s a sad day. Missing my wife, and now the news comes down that a legitimate legend of stage and screen has passed away. Rest in peace, Alan Rickman. We’ll miss you.
I thought of doing a Career Rewind for him, but it’s just too soon. Maybe next week. Anyway, we’re gonna roll on with our usual brand of sarcasm and incompetence today but we do it with our hearts more heavy, and our voices less awesome. We’ll miss you, Alan.
So now, we’ve come to that time of year where I make some crazy, bold predictions about the year to come and look back at the predictions I made last year. Now, I only remember one of my predictions and if that one is any indication these next few minutes are gonna be VERY humbling.
Micah’s Predications for 2015
For 2014, I got 3.5 out of 5 but… let’s just measure our expectations here shall we? And let’s measure them at zero.
Prediction 1: Hotel Transylvania 2 wins the Worst Unnecessary Children’s Sequel Competition
Okay so… I wasn’t necessarily wrong on this one, but I also definitely wasn’t one hundred percent right. I mean, Alvin and the Chipmunks 3 was terrible, Minions was pretty bad. I’m not taking a win for this, but I’m also not taking a loss. I mean this movie was terrible, and who’s to be the judge of what’s really terrible in this world?? Surely Hotel Transylvania 2 loses points for being another “Adam Sandler and his not funny friends” vehicle, right? I’m calling this a draw, due to the incredible pile of rotten fish headed suckitude that was this category. Nobody wins here.
Prediction 2: The Jungle Book wins the battle of unnecessary reboots no one asked for.
Okay, it’s not my fault Jungle Book got pushed back till next year. The other picks on this list are gonna be REALLY bad guys, I need the draws. But who was the winner of the Unnecessary reboots no one asked for?? Umm… I mean Star Wars and Jurassic World don’t count cause EVERYONE asked for that. I guess I’ll give it to Mad Max (which I have watched now.) Cause if I don’t give it to Mad Max I’d have to give it to, The Man from UNCLE and while that movie wasn’t bad it… well it shouldn’t necessarily win anything.
So, thus far I have had two predictions that did not apply… and it’s all downhill from here.
Prediction 3: Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 will be exactly as bad an idea as you think it is.
I’m not sure how I feel about that sentence structure anymore… but at least I was very right about that. At least something positive came out of the millions of dollars that the movie studio flushed down the Paul Blart toilet.
Prediction 4: Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice will actually release a trailer and everyone will get excited because Superman will punch Batman.
Honestly… I don’t think I was right about this. I mean yes it released a trailer but I feel like there were just so many weird question marks involved with the trailer and the fact that it gave away the whole plot of the movie. I feel like for every person who was excited about the whole ‘look at those two things punch each other’ parts there was someone saying ‘but… you just played the whole movie.’ So… yeah. That’s a loss.
Prediction 5: The Top Grossing movie of 2015 will be… Avengers 2: Age of Ultron.
And there sits what is definitely the most incorrect sentence I have ever typed. And let’s be clear I have typed some VERY incorrect sentences. In my defense when I made that prediction they hadn’t released the first Star Wars trailer yet and I wasn’t yet aware of the wave of nostalgia that Disney would ride all the way to that big bank in the sky.
So my final tally is 1 for 3, but that whole Avengers thing will definitely go down as the wrongest thing since I typed the word wrongest. I mean come on, Self. Age of Ultron???? I’m ashamed.
But not ashamed enough not to continue to pretend like I know what the heck is happening and make 5 more VERY bad predictions.
Micah’s Movie Predictions for 2016
Assassins Creed wins the Battle of the Video Game Movie
Okay so there’s actually three big video game movies coming out this year. There’s Warcraft which comes out this summer, then there’s Ratchet and Clank in the fall and finally Michael Fassbender’s Assassin Creed in December. Ratchett and Clank I think will be fun but won’t be anything more and Warcraft I think is just gonna be a fairly paint by the numbers ‘Hey guys, do you remember this from that one video game you like???’ sort of movie. I mean it’ll be fine, and will make money but it won’t probably be a really good movie. Assassins Creed though could actually be pretty awesome. Really like Fassbender as the lead, the story should be interesting, and the world in general could be very cool. My cyber money is on this for the top of the heap as it twir.
In an Epic Comic book movie year, Captain America: Civil War stands tallest.
It’s a big year for video game movies. Batman V. Superman, Captain America, Deadpool, X-men, Suicide Squad, and Dr. Strange are all coming to the big screen but I think Civil War will end up rising to the top. My other two favorites are Suicide Squad and Dr. Strange but, in the end, I think Cap will take it because of its large cast and (hopefully) different look into the Super hero world. And also Spiderman.
In a not epic, unnecessary sequel year My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is the worst.
Why??? I mean look I have nothing against My Big Fat Greek Wedding… I don’t really understand it, but it’s fine. It’s there. Whatever. But who about twenty years later, thought to themselves “You know what needs a sequel??? That romantic comedy we made forever ago that ended in such a way that no sequel at all was required!!” Sure Zoolander 2 is also happening, but whatever, it’s about fashion and Ben Stiller will do some Ben Stiller things. They keep cranking out Bourne movies for some reason, and Alice and Wonderland two looks… iffy. But who really wanted My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2???
Side note: I had no interest in Independence Day 2 until the trailer came out… and that movie looks kind of awesome. Somehow.
Moana is 2016’s top kids movie.
Plenty of good movies in this category this year, led by Zootopia, something called Norm of the North, the Secret Life of Pets, and Roald Dahl’s own “The BFG.” All respect to Roald Dahl but… not sure that’s gonna be that great, and in case you think I forgot Kung Fu Panda 3, I did not. I just don’t care. At all.
I like Moana’s vibe, it’s like Lilo and Stitch but with computer animation and Dwayne Johnson. What’s not to like???
The only thing the new Jumanji succeeds in doing is make us all miss Robin Williams.
Sorry guys, it’s too soon. You can’t do Jumanji. I’m sorry guys, you just can’t. Step back. Let it breathe, are there not other things you can do??? Make a Boggle movie I don’t know. Make a monopoly movie where one guys meets with riches and success while all his friends slowly grow to hate his soul, but leave Jumanji alone.
The Top Grossing Movie of 2016 is: Star Wars: Rogue One
This is me learning from my mistakes guys. I’m in on the Star Wars franchise. It could be Star Wars: Rogue Dolphin and I would pick it for top movie of the year… in fact I would feel even better about that. I mean Rogue Dolphin??? I’d be all over that. Ignoring competition from the Marvel movies, Batman vs. Superman, and the new Star Trek. I’m sticking with what I know. With what I’ve learned, and with Flipper the Rogue Dolphin.
So there you go gang, Happy New Year, and may all your predictions come true.