Ten Worst Movies of 2015

Posted: January 13, 2016 by Micah in Randomnicity

Hey guys, so we have come to it at last. Every year I sit down and think back to all of the terrible things in the last year that played through my eye windows, and stabbed my soul in the face. The worst of the worst, the bad of the bad. An article called:

The Ten Worst Movies of 2015.

As we do every year I’ve split these up into two groups of 5. The five worst movies I’ve watched, and the worst five movies that were released. I generally try and avoid bad movies so (generally) the ones on my personal list aren’t as bad as the ones on the actual list. That disclaimer given let’s dive into the pile of depression and sadness that is…

Micah’s Bottom 5 Movies of 2015

5. Pan

Pan is the first movie on my “not bad but not good” list of bad movies. Pan had a lot of potential with a good idea and a good cast but in the end the script was just bland and the curse of Amanda Seyfried’s huge eyed face could not be overcome. Will studio people eventually  catch onto the idea that not only is Amanda Seyfried not a talented actress but she is the film equivalent of an albatross, breaking a mirror, while walking under a ladder. Please stop casting her.

4. The Last Witch Hunter

Like Pan, The Last Witch Hunter wasn’t a terrible movie. It wasn’t a good movie either though, but this one wasn’t necessarily supposed to be. I mean, did you really the watch the trailers for this movie and think “Oh, that’ll be good!!” No. Best case scenario you thought “that could be fun!” Now, important note, it was not fun. It was fine. It lived up to all its potential of Vin Diesel sitting up from his bed made of Fast and Furious money and said to himself “Gravel gravel growl voice Witch Hunter, gravel gravel big beard.”

witcher

And the Beard of the Year award goes to…

 

3. Hitman 2

Okay so now we’ve truly gotten into the terrible movies. Hitman 2 ranks at the top of this list because let’s be honest: you knew this was gonna suck. I mean the original hitman sucked, most video game movies suck, and the trailers for this kinda sucked. I mean I mostly watched it for the occasional cool action scenes and because there wasn’t a lot else going on at the time.

2. Fantastic Four

Ah, yes. For the record, I did not see this in theaters. In fact I saw this like… two days ago. And it was just as bad as you’ve heard. In a world where super-hero movies aren’t just main stream, but have proven to be more then just popcorn action movies (in some cases) it’s good to know we’ll always have crappy super hero movies, as long as we have the Fantastic Four. This whole movie is just a train wreck. I mean, the script is bad, the editing is bad, the wig is bad. Everything is bad. I mean I get it, it’s hard to make a movie based around a man with stretchy nerd powers, and a less interesting version of the Hulk. But we got an ANT-MAN movie this year, ANT-MAN!!! And it was good. Not great, but good. And you couldn’t even get Kate Mara’s HAIR to be good not great. I’m ashamed Fantastic Four… so ashamed.

wig

“What do you mean you think people will notice??”

 

1. Jupiter Ascending

But Fantastic Four was nothing, compared to the huge pile of nonsensical, overacted, nonsense that was Jupiter Ascending. Eddie Redmayne (a very talented man) was abysmal and terrible and whispery and shouty and just… the worst. It was so weird and bad, guys. But not in a good, fun, bad movie sort of way. It was just painful. It hurt my heart to watch this movie guys. It hurt my teeny tiny heart.

Okay so now for the worst 5 movies of the year that I didn’t see. It’s hard to rank these movies for obvious, not seeing them movies, but through strength of heart, strength of stomach, and strength of glute I have done it.

The Worst 5 Movies of 2015

 5. Mortdecai

In the continuing downward spiral of sadness that is the career of Johnny Depp, maybe this is rock bottom??????????? Maybe. Hopefully. Please don’t be terrible Alice in Wonderland 2. This movie was just a mess of bad humor, bad acting from good actors, and people thinking jokers were WAY funnier than they actually were…. and then beating that not funny joke into the ground for 20 minutes.

4. Jem and the Holograms

A movie that was remarkable not for being bad (it was REALLY bad though) but for being pulled from theaters about a week after it came out. It was so bad that a film company decided that the best thing for them would be to not let anyone watch it. I mean that’s real bad.

jem

“So I’m thinking for this concert we should paint my face pink??? That’ll be cool and not stupid right??”

 

And now for the three worst movies of the year, or (as it is alternatively known) The Adam Sandler and Friends category.

3. The Ridiculous Six 

The first of Adam Sandlers six movies he’s making for Netflix, the Ridiculous six is really really really really stupid. Really really. I have no other words for it. I’ve run out of degrading terms for Adam Sandler movies. Run out of ways to talk about the horrible trainwreck that each of his movies gradually becomes. It’s just sad.

2. Pixels

Pixels on the other hand, is just really really bad… and ruined a good idea. I mean this was a really cool idea, there’s a short movie on YouTube which is where they got this idea, and that movie is pretty cool. And then Adam Sandler got his grubby cheato covered hands all over it. And then Adam Sandler involved Kevin James and they somehow dragged a weird un-talented clone of Peter Dinklage into things. That’s right: he ruined a good movie idea, AND Peter Dinklage. You’re a monster Adam Sandler.

cat_2830677b

Take a break for the terrifying rancidness of Adam Sandler and appreciate the cool blue eyes of this kitten. Hang in there guys.

 

1. Paul Blart 2

Yup, of all the bad movies on this list (and I left off Adam Sandler’s other movie ‘The Cobbler’ because it was just getting too easy) this is the worst, the most unforgivable crime committed against cinema. Because as bad as Adam Sandlers movies were and will continue to be at least none of them were sequels. PB 2 takes things to the next level by somehow conning a film executive somewhere into thinking: “Paul Blart is something we definitely need more of. We should spend money, and advertising, and the brain cells of the people dumb enough to watch this on making another Paul Blart movie.” So congratulations Paul Blart 2, in a year filled with terrible things, made by washed up comedians, you were the most terriblest and washed uppiest of them all. Congratulations.

And there you go guys!! The worst movies. Tune back on in tomorrow when I check back in on my 2015 predictions, and make some bold movie predictions about 2016.

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