The Most Confusing Christmas Songs

Posted: December 22, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
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Hi guys, so once upon a time I had a video blog… it was a good blog. But nobody watched it… literally nobody. Not as in like nobody except the ten or so people who love me the most… actually nobody. It wasn’t anybody’s fault… except for Jefferson my unpaid interns. It was his fault.

But anyway on that vlog that no one watched I did a video that no one watched about the worst Christmas songs, but this is a different blog in no way related to that vlog (that no one watched) on the Worst Christmas Songs, cause some Christmas songs (while not bad) make NO sense. And here they are!

Good King Wenceslas

First off: give me one line from the second verse of this song. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

No one knows the second verse. They focus on the first verse wherein, a good king (Wenceslas) hasn’t looked out his windows since the feast of St. Stephen (the one who was martyred) and… really that’s all of that song that anyone could actually tell you. As for the rest of the song here’s what transpires: The Good King and his Paige bring some logs to a poor guy… who lives by a forest. So… remind me why this is a Christmas tradition?? Also this song is TEN verses long. No one wants to carol ten verses!! Also, also: do you know that King Wenceslas was eventually assassinated by his brother Boleslaw the Bad. I mean come on Wence, your brothers name is Boleslaw, of course he assassinated you. That’s one of the most obviously evil names ever. I mean I feel like your parents were giving you a STRONG hint by naming him Boleslaw. What was his middle name? Killsalot?? Keep your head in the dang game Wenceslas.


“Remind me what this has to do with Christmas again, sir?”


Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time

This officially is the worst Christmas song ever, but it also makes ZERO sense. This is an actual line of song from this… thing. “The word is out
About the town, To lift a glass, Ahhh don’t look down.” Why can’t I look down?? What’s going on below me?? Is that the word that’s around the town?? Or is the word to “lift a glass” and then an alligator rose from the depths of the swamp and chomped on my leg? The rest of the song also does not make sense but not in such a flagrant way. It mostly just succeeds in making no sense by containing absolutely zero content. But let’s move on before we get our feet stuck in this particular Christmas quagmire.

The Christmas Song –

Let’s talk about some of the terrible implications of the Christmas song shall we?

First off: Folks dressed up Eskimos. Those racists.

Second off: Why is Jack Frost out there nipping at people’s noses??  Is he allowed to do that? Does actual frost just nip at people’s noses randomly? No it doesn’t. It bites. Frost bites. Your nose off. Jack Frost biting your nose off. That’s how that line should be there, Nat King Cole. It is admittedly, less Christmassy but it’s more honest (and educational) my way.

Finally: (and I’m just checking) are these “Tiny Tots with their eyes all aglow” aliens????? I realize they probably aren’t but… it’s always safe to check.


Tiny tots???


Walking in a Winterland

Okay so I’m fine with most of this song but let’s talk about the demon snowman in the room shall we? “In the meadow we can build a snowman.” Great, we’re doing well so far. Sounds very wonder-y. “And pretend that he is Parson Brown” I mean this is okay but… why are we pretending the snowman is a Parson??? I mean I love my pastor but I’ve never erected a snowman and thought “boy it would be fun to pretend this snowman was a Pastor!!” It’s weird. But it gets weirder. “He’ll say are you married.” The snowman can talk???? Way to casually slide that in there buddy. It’s not frosty the snowman (that’s a different song) so this is obviously some kind of evil, demon snowman who has been brought to life through some evil idol worship situation wherein some children made a snow representation of a clergyman. But it gets worse. “We’ll say No Man
But you can do the job when you’re in town.”

Okay so not only is the snowman sentient, but it seems to be concerned with these young innocent children being married, oh and let me just casually mention this: IT CAN MOVE!! It’s a mobile, evil, sentient, and marriage obsessed snowman. Ummm… Merry Christmas???


“So how do you kids feel about marriage.”


And there you have it guys!! I won’t be posting Thursday, cause Christmas Eve. But I will be back next Tuesday at which time I shall review Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

  1. Reni says:

    Tsk, tsk, Micah. I believe a falsehood has been uttered. Watched the vlog I have. And enjoyed it I did. Apologize to Jefferson you must. (Apologize for Yoda-speak I do not. Star Wars Fever I have.)

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