How to Watch Star Wars

Posted: December 15, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , ,

Internet… it has happened. Right now in this cold cruel world there are several hundred nay possibly several thousand people… who have seen Star Wars Episode 7. And I am not one of them, you are probably not one of them. I’m sorry. Let’s take a second and just quietly mourn to ourselves of our terrible defeat.

Let us also spend the next several days carefully monitoring our internet usage so we don’t get anything spoiled. The spoilers are out there now guys, lurking in the dark corners, waiting to kill us and eat half of us and then bury us in the woods so they can return and finish us later… or maybe those are bears.

Okay, that last part was definitely bears, but the first part is undeniably spoilers. There are spoilers out there, be wary my friends. Be wary.

spoilers

But instead of focusing on what we haven’t seen yet, let’s instead turn our attention to what we have seen, what we can see, and what we have probably already seen. The 6 existing movies and (more specifically) in which order they should be watched.

Which leads us to this bold font:

How to Watch Star Wars 

Now this guide is mainly designed to be in a hypothetical sort of: ‘I’m introducing Star Wars to someone for the first time’ scenario. If you’ve already seen all 6… well you’ve already seen all 6. So it really doesn’t matter how you watch them. Granted, it really doesn’t matter how someone new to Star Wars watches them but if all I did on this blog was talk about things that really mattered this would be WAY less funny so let’s just roll on shall we?

Method 1: Chronologically. 1-2-3-4-5-6 

Let’s get this out of the way now: Don’t do this. You’re starting with the two weakest movies, with the worst writing and the criminally bad idea that was Jar Jar Binks. That’s no way to watch a franchise. I mean if you do this you’ve got to sit through 7 hours-ish of movies before you even get to Han Solo, the Millennium Falcon, and a writer that wasn’t gradually drowning under his own beard. Plus, you’ve got to remember the big Darth Vader reveal is in 5 (arguably the best movie) but if you watch 1, 2 and 3 first you’ve literally taken all the surprise out of it. I mean come on. Think of the children. Think of all the people, living for today!! And then don’t let those people watch Star Wars like this!! In the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar:

trap

Method 2: By Release 4-5-6-1-2-3

Okay this is sort of the standard way to do it. You get the full experience of 4-6 and then the full let down of 1-2 followed by the slightly less let down of episode 3. Is there a word for slightly less of let down?? A let… slope? Slightly better than the previous letdown but also still a pretty big letdown. There’s merit to this but it’s not the best way, it’s the most obvious way that doesn’t involve making someone watch the cinematic train wreck that was episode 1 first. But let’s get to something a bit more outside the old Star Box shall we?

Method 3: The Patton Oswalt 4-5-1-2-3-6

I’m not sure if Patton Oswalt invented this or not but he’s the one I heard say it first and this is the Internet so my attributing a fact to someone without doing any research isn’t just par for the course, it is the course. So anyway when Patton Oswalt sat up one night in his commemorative Star Wars bed and invented this theory, I was one of the first people he emailed about it, and this is what his email said.

duty_calls

So you start with 4 and 5, which maintains the I am your Father twist AND let’s you start with the best two movies in the series. Then you go back and watch 1-2-3 and three which gives you the Darth Vader story and THEN you go back and watch 6 which wraps up the Darth Vader story, finishes the saga and gets you rarin’ to go for Episode 7.

So there you go guys, the way to watch Star Wars. But however you choose to watch it, whether you go for the first stupid one, or the last two perfectly acceptable ones, may you enjoy it and may the Force be with you all.

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