Batman V Superman: Crazy Theories

Posted: December 8, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , ,

Hey Internet, so last week I went on a big long diatribe about how the Batman V Superman trailer basically outlined the entire plot of the movie beat for beat. Well some time has passed since then, I’ve learned, I’ve grown, I’ve eaten some Chinese food and I have come to the entirely logical conclusion that of course Batman V Superman’s trailer didn’t outline the entire movie second by second, thus spoiling the plot, and stealing any chance the film had of being even a little surprising. That would be crazy right??? Crazy!!

Of course, there’s some crazy twist in there that completely changes the movie and makes it totally okay, nay, awesome that Zach Snyder released a trailer that seemed (on the surface) to hand out a pamphlet to anyone wanting to watch his movie telling them EXACTLY what would happen. Of course there is.

So after hours of exhaustive research, and exhaustive exhaustion that resulted in hour long exhaustive and exhausted naps, here are my theories as to why this movie definitely didn’t ruin itself.

Batman V Superman: Crazy Fan Theories to Save the Movie from Its Tariler 

Theory 1: That’s not really Doomsday.  

It’s some sort of crazy mutant Ninja Turtle who, in the climactic conclusion of the movie, shows up with a large pizza and a message of peace and understanding to Batman and Superman, who both realize the errors of their ways and vow to live only by the power of pizza and the good ship called friendship.

DnN

“I do NOT look like a Ninja Turtle!!”

 

Admittedly, this is a stretch. And stupid. And I’m mostly just reacting to the fact that Doomsday looks a little ridiculous.

Actually probability: 0 out of 10.

Theory 2: This movie features WAY more justice league than we think.

Okay this one is a little serious. Think about it, the movie builds to the climactic Doomsday/Ninja Turtle battle. Wonder Woman shows up and Superman and Batman have their cute little “She with you” banter. Then Doomsday just WRECKS them. I mean he’s Doomsday not, Kindtough-Day. Not Youhadabad-Day. Freekin’ Doomsday. So he just beats the SNOT out of Batman and Wonder Woman, then he pushes Superman to the breaking point when WHAM the Flash shows up, and Ka-pow Aquaman is there, and Shabizzle (not a comic book word… or a word at all) Cyborg is there. THEN they kill Doomsday. I mean that’d be pretty awesome right??? And all the sudden this trailer wouldn’t be a disaster, it would be a crazy awesome misdirect!

That said, this probably doesn’t happen. I mean, Snyder couldn’t even keep Michael Shannon from blabbing about Doomsday to the point where we all STRONGLY suspected he was in this thing, anyway. If he somehow kept secret the fact that three other Super-heroes showed up in this thing we should probably get him involved with the CIA somehow.

Actual probability: 2 out of 10.

Theory 3: Aquaman kills everyone.

Cause you knew I had to put this picture up here.

qYRDj

And I’m not picking against this guy in a fight.

Aquaman-Jason-Momoa-1

In a fight between this guy and a dude who wears a cape and has what amounts to a huge target on his chest… I’m betting on this guy.

 

Actual probability: 1 out of 10.

Okay seriously though, this is the theory that makes the most sense…

Theory 4: The trailer actually is WAY out of order.

Okay follow me here cause this is good: So what if the Doomsday fight is in the middle of the movie. Batman and Superman don’t like each other at the beginning but over the course of the first half they actually develop a kind of weird friendship and respect for each other, when all the sudden Doomsday gets dropped into things and Superman basically destroys another city and a lot of people die before Doomsday gets taken down and THEN Batman is forced to decide that the world would be better off without Superman and that he must kill his friend. So he gets Lex Luthor (who unbeknownst to him made Doomsday using Zods body and strands of his own beautiful long, man hair) and the two of them team up to take down Supes. Superman is crushed and betrayed and he and Batman duke it out over an entire city while Wonder Woman (who helped them take down Doomsday) comes to try and talk sense into them. They keep fighting though, until finally it looks like one of them kills the other one and THAT is the end of the movie.

BOOM. Done. I will accept my check now Mr. Snyder. Not only does that fix the problem with the trailer but it also makes this kind of an awesome movie where two people who are friends are forced to fight and where one of them very possibly kills the other. (Though of course no one dies in comic books blah blah and et cetera.) Still though… that’s kind of awesome right??

Probably rating: 4 out of 10.

The hard truth: Probably none of those are true. Snyder is (to his credit) basically trying to do what Marvel has spent the last 15 movies of there Universe doing in roughly 1.5 movies. I mean what’s gonna make Captain America: Civil War so compelling is the fact that we’ve seen Iron Man and Captain America’s relationship grow and shrink in the last few movies. We know who both of them are and what they’ve been through, so the fact that they have to fight each other now is legitimately a tough thing. We have no idea who Batman and Superman are in this universe. They’re just these two cool looking characters that Zach Snyder is gonna make punch each other for a little bit, before something bigger and more punchier comes along.

supersmell

“What do you mean this face makes it look like I’m smelling trash??”

 

This doesn’t guarantee BvS will be a bad movie, it just makes it a predictable movie. It gives it a lot more of an uphill battle to goodness because I’ve seen this other places before AND I’ve now seen exactly this story before because you just showed the whole thing in your trailer. I’m sure the fight scenes will be awesome but the fight scenes in Man of Steel were pretty great and the biggest of fans would have to concede to Man of Steel not being a great movie. Maybe good. Probably just okay. But who knows.

 

 

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