Internet!! Hello and happy it’s not Thanksgiving anymore. That’s right, we made it. We battled that little baby Time for a whole 11 months, and now it stands before us old and decrepit and miserable for 1 more month. But don’t worry Time take some of yourself and look around you at this last month, this last somewhat wonderful month of movies!! In fact, let’s all do that, with a little number that goes something… like this.

December Movie Preview 2015

December 4th –

Krampus – A movie about evil Santa coming around at Christmas and killing a bunch of snot nosed jerks, that will somehow not be at all as good as a movie based on that idea should be. I mean I can think of individuals in my life who I would LOVE to see get a visit from the old Kramper Damper, but this movie will just be bad. Save yourself some ten dollars, and in no way watch it.

Macbeth – Michael Fassbender and Marion Cottilard play Macbeth and Mrs. Macbeth. What more could you possibly need to know about this movie?? It’s gonna be great. But it is also gonna be rated R… cause it’s Macbeth. So not for the kids all you snooty parents who want to take your kids to Shakespeare. Also (and brace yourself for this shocker) it’s not exactly playing in a lot of theaters so… good luck finding one near you. I traded four score and seven thistles to a guy and it STILL wasn’t enough to cover my gas expenses to get to the nearest Macbeth enabled theater. Course the thistle market has been down this year… Dang communists.

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COMMUNISTS!!!!

 

December 11th

In the Heart of the Sea – I’m VERY excited for this movie. It’s got Chris Hemsworth, Tom Holland (Spiderman/boy/he better not screw this up), Cillian Murphy and Bendan Gleeson. AND Ben Whishaw (Q/the only mildly lighthearted parts of James Bond movies these days) as Herman Melville. I literally don’t know what else I could ask for in a movie except for maybe a giant whale.

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“He had to say Giant Whale didn’t he?”

 

Nothing else of note comes out this week. Go watch In the Heart of the Sea. Or… I don’t know, hold your friends and loved ones close because sweet juniper buries and berries the weekend after this is —

December 18th

STAR WARS: THE FORCE FRIKKIN AWAKENS

And thus I am feed with what is probably the single greatest and most terrible decision I have ever faced. I HATE crowds… and I love Star Wars. How much does it cost to rent out a theater?? Oh wait, some crazy person already did that. For seriously though. Someone bought all of the tickets to a showing just so he could watch it in peace. And I consider that a VERY valid route to success.

On a more film related note, let’s be realistic. This will probably be a good movie. That’s what JJ Abrams does best. Good movies. He hasn’t really made a great movie yet (though I loved Star Trek Into Darkness, which Star Trek fans hated because… Picard??? Maybe???) He makes good movies, and he’s VERY good at making movies that appeal to your nostalgia factor. Even Super 8 (not that good a movie) was LOADED with weird 80’s kid movie nostalgia. So that’s what I’m expecting here: a good Star Wars movie that reminds me of my Han Solo action figure filled childhood. I’m not expecting a great movie that changes my life and threatens the Dark Knight on it’s ‘Ultimate Micah Movie’ pedestal. I will be very surprised if this is a bad movie because… well frankly there’s no way Harrison Ford would have even vaguely sort of agreed to do it if there wasn’t something there. I mean that dude hates Star Wars. So that’s it: it’ll be good. And Star Wars. And I am 1000 percent down with that.

Also out this week: Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (AKA We Had to Release This Sometime, So Why Not Hope Some Drunk Star Wars Fans Accidentally By the Wrong Tickets.) Also: who keeps making these movies??? And how? Who is signing the giant check for Alvin and the Chipmunks 4??? And can we kill them?

Oh and also Sisters, a movie starring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, two women who I think are hilarious, and wonderful, and Queens of modern comedy… and the movie does not look good. I’m sorry Tina and Amy… but it does not look good. Someone say I’m wrong here, I want this movie to be great but, have you seen the trailers?? At any point during the trailer did you do anything but moderately smirk to yourself?? Any comedy trailer is supposed to be 3 minutes long and should have at least two laugh out loud moments (saving your best moments for the movie, but as a comedy movie you should have some comedy to spare.) I got nothing from the Sisters trailer. And I hated myself just a little bit for not caring about this movie.

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Could you PLEASE be good??

 

December 25th –

I spent longer then I should have on Star Wars (a sentence that could realistically be my epitaph) so let’s some up some of the incredibly depressing movies that are being released on Christmas shall we??

Concussion – Will Smith stars as a doctor who discovers the horrible, life ruining effects of the repeated concussions suffered by many NFL players.

Joy – Something something Jennifer Lawrence, something something, a woman fights for what’s hers in a world dominated by men and cattle… or something.

Point Break – Not really a depressing movie so much as a depressing reminder that someone looked at a movie starring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze that came out in 1991 and thought we needed a remake.

The Hateful Eight – Quentin Tarentino gets a bunch of people together and murders them in a cabin. It’s basically the weird ADD child of Django Unchained and Agatha Christies’ And Then There Were None… but also real violent.

Revenant – Leonardo Decaprio stars as a man whose son is brutally murdered and who himself is brutally mostly murdered and he seeks revenge on said murderer and mostly murderer.

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Merry Christmas everyone!

 

So to some up we have:  Child murder/revenge, Woman struggling to make it in mans world, crappy 90’s remake, Quentin Tarentino in the Woods, and NFL concussions.

Merry Christmas???

So there you go guys, December. And 16 days to Star Wars… just in case you were wondering.

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