Thanksgiving Foods: Ranked

Posted: November 24, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , ,

Internet! Welcome back, bring your festive hearts, your taste buds, and your hopes and dreams cause today we’re building a nice little sarcasm fire, and it’s all going in!!

Let me first have a serious paragraph, for all the times sake. I think thanksgiving is great, I think the food is great, I love spending time with family and friends, and I think we have so much to be thankful for in this country and in this world. It’s a terrifying thing sometimes our world, but I think if instead of focusing on the things that scare us, we can focus on the things that we’re grateful for, we can make it just that much better.

All that said: this website is not built on the principles of family values and being grateful. No, we here at Thoughts We Might Have Had have spent literally years carefully cultivating a wonderfully bitter, sarcastic attitude. We’ve started storing our sarcasm in stout wooden barrels and aging it for years before opening it and unleashing it on an unsuspecting holiday. So while we truly appreciate Thanksgiving, and wouldn’t trade that day for anything, I am now going to spend the next several hundred words arbitrarily judging Thanksgiving food. So let’s get started with that.

Thanksgiving Foods, from Worst to Best.

10. Indian Corn

What is the point of this stuff exactly?? You can’t eat it unless you happen to be Arnold Schwarzaneger’s Terminator from the recently released Terminator: Geniyisiys. I can’t help but look at Indian corn and think the Native American’s just threw that in the Thanksgiving meal to mess with the Pilgrims. I mean I would! And you can’t exactly blame them on account of the fact that we mostly sort of stole their country. So you can have Indian Corn, Native American’s or Native American Corn, Indians… this got confusing… and racist.

Moving on.

Corncobs

Indian Corn: Cause why have edible food

9. Stuffing

Some people love stuffing but here is an actual recipe for stuffing that I in no way made up: Take bread, mix bread with anything in your kitchen you can reach, jam up Turkey’s butt. That is how stuffing is made. And people LOVE stuffing, my little sister literally had an entire dance she would dance every time we had stuffing while singing ‘I love stuffing’ repeatedly. But erase that cute image of little sisters dancing overhead and remember that you are eating bread and little breadlets… from a Turkey Butt.

8. Dressing

I only very recently learned that dressing and stuffing were different. The recipe and flavor are basically the same but ‘dressing’ is generally not cooked in a Turkey butt… so that’s something I guess. But it’s still basically bread and some things that fell out of the spice rack, cooked in a pan and mixed with a spoon so… do what you want with that.

Stuffing-versus-Dressing-Oysters-Pearls

Stuffing and dressing: No really, there’s a difference.

7. Umm… peas?

I have no problem with the taste of peas but trying to eat the things is a ten minute ordeal that is in no way worth the actual peas. I mean they’re fine, but they’re not worth the work. Like building a snowman after the first snowfall of the year, cause you know that’s gonna be gone in like… a day. So why not put that energy into something more productive like snowball fights, snow cones, or snow… yellowing.

That got weird.

6. Biscuits/rolls

Nothing sooths the soul quite like a well-made biscuit or biscuit dough product. They’re not the All-Stars of the thanksgiving meal but they always show up to work, punch the clock, put in their 8-5 and then head home to their little biscuit houses to relax with their bisquik-kids. And so, we here at Thoughts We Might Have Had salute you biscuits, may you rise long, live warm, and taste well… or good. Dang grammar.

5. Dark Turkey Meat

Dark Turkey Meat is good… but kind of slimy. It tastes about the same as lighter turkey meats but the texture is just kind of off. Like watching Keanu Reaves try and play a Shakespearean character there’s nothing specifically wrong with it, there’s just a disconnect between one thing and the other thing that leaves you going… ‘huh’ and who wants to ‘huh’ at Thanksgiving dinner? Save that for after thanksgiving dinner when you drop into a food coma and wake up with sharpie all over your face.

Much Ado About Nothing (1993)Directed by Kenneth Branagh Shown: Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves and Shakespeare: Like marrying Anna Kendrick to a Walnut.

4. Mashed Potatoes

Is there any food to which we are more cruel than potatoes?? I mean really, what did potatoes ever do to you?? We dice them, boil them, scallop them (whatever that is), stuff them, bake them, TWICE bake them (cause once wasn’t enough), and then just to top it all off we skin them, boil them, mash them, puree them and then cover them in butter… though that last one is less a torture thing I’ll admit. Still though, this one’s for you potatoes. You poor, poor, delicious… vegetable???

3. Cream Corn

Cream corn is the Ferrari of corn. Sure, you can eat little corn nibblins, or you can eat it off the cobb like a barbarian you mud faced disgrace, but cream corn??? It’s luxurious. It’s eating corn, in a bed of other delicious corn related juices. Of course the crazy thing is, I always just assumed cream corn could only be made by professionals. Professional wizards. Potentially with the help of aliens and that green giant guy. But it turns out you can make cream corn yourself… at home. Granted it takes a whole field of corn, and some heavy construction equipment, and honestly canned cream corn is still awesome, but it can be done!! You can do it! We all believe in you… somewhat.

2. Cranberry Sauce

I’m a huge sucker for Cranberry sauce. Whether it’s the canned cranberry sauce that tastes great but resembles cranberries in no actual way, or the one with real cranberries still in it that is somehow slightly less good and resembles cranberries a little too much. I’m all in on the cranberried sauce. Maybe it’s cause I’m a naturally bitter and hateful person and cranberry sauce speaks to my heart, as it’s made out of a small bitter berry that is constantly being forcibly combined with the juices from every other fruit known to man, and cranberries just want to be left alone with their wife and PS4!!!! But I may be reading into that too much.

1. White Meat Turkey

Sorry other things on this list, you can’t beat the classic. The turkey rises above the rest of the meal like a gobbling Colossus bestriding the table. And why not? Not only is it delicious by itself but it also combines with numbers 2 and 4 on this list beautifully. Have some turkey and mashed potatoes, some cranberry sauce on your turkey, go nuts man. It’s thanks-frikkin’-giving!!! Be Crazy!!! … Though maybe don’t call it ‘thanks-frikkin’-giving… probably takes away from the mood some.

thanksgiving-dinner-delicious-wallpaper-hd-2015-HDBcn

Just in case this post didn’t make you hungry enough, I’ll just leave this here.

So there you go guys, the top ten, the rankings the only way Thanksgiving food can EVER be ranked. Enough of you and your personal thoughts and tastes, I have declared myself KING of thanksgiving ye peasantry, tremble at my mighty Turkey leg scepter and throne of Mashed Potatoes! Or I don’t know… maybe just think what you want and eat what you like… whichever you want. I’ll be in my room.

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