Internet! What’s up how’s tricks? What’s that? Someone changed the colors of the cups you drink coffee from?? Well that’s… in no way consequential and not something I’m dedicating any more of my time to.

As tends to happen with this sort of thing, last week when I posted my bottom ten bombs of all time, a couple well meaning, well bred readers wrote in and asked if I would post a list of the top ten grossing movies of all time. Well, well meaning readers, you with your golden hair, sea-grey eyes and immaculate taste in reading, of course I will. Of course I will.

The Top Ten Grossing Movies of All Time 

Now as with my previous list these movies are adjusted for inflation. This makes a HUGE difference and tends to give more credit to older movies, rather then these new fangled ones with their blue people stealing the story from Pocahontas. So what will this list lead us to?? What new heights of cinematic understanding shall we reach??

I have no idea… Haven’t actually looked them up, yet.

Okay now I have… this is gonna be a rough one guys. Starting with:

Number 10: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs – Estimated Inflation Adjusted Gross – 1,819,000,000

Yup. This movie.  Probably the worst Disney film ever made.

Okay well I take that back. Still though… it’s pretty dang bad. Villains who disguise themselves as horrifying looking old women. Evil Queens who farm out highly specialized murder work to under qualified, ill trained workers. Princesses who fall in love with literally the first guy who happens to stumble drunkenly into their courtyard. And of course, random Princes who decide to kiss the dead girl they saw in that castle that one time. Snow White isn’t just a mostly bad movie… it’s a mostly bad movie in which some REAL creepy things take place. Let’s just leave

“No one will ever suspect!”

Number 9: Jaws – Estimated Inflation Adjusted Gross – $2,027,000,000

Now we’re talking. Say what you want about the fact that Stephen Spielburgh nearly murdered someone in the ocean to film this movie: but this thing is great. Sure the animatronic shark puppet of death is a little obvious at some points, but ya know what else it is? An animatronic shark puppet of death. And if we’re not living in a world where animatronic shark puppets of death can be appreciated, then what kind of world are we living in?? What kind of world are we leaving our children???? You monsters.

Number 8: Doctor Zhivago – Estimated Inflation Adjusted Gross – $2,073,000,000

Oh of course, Doctor Zhivago that movie about the umm… ya know that Doctor guy. Ya know… the Doctor… Zhivago.

Okay so this isn’t exactly the pinnacle of cinematic fame but it’s a real solid story that in a little over three hours tells us the sweeping, epic, and romantic story, of a man to whom very little of interest ever actually happens. What can I say, this came out in the 60’s, man. It was weird times, some people REALLY wanted to hear about a doctor in Russia struggling to do… whatever it was that he wanted t o do.

And we’re moving on.

Number 7: The Ten Commandments – Estimated Inflation Adjusted Gross – $2,187,000,000

Good old Chuck Heston and Yul (the Log) Brynner facing off in what was inarguably the most deep voiced contest ever captured by film. There were plagues, there were Egyptians, and in the grand tradition still held to this very day a lot of VERY American people, played the parts of a lot of Israelites and Egyptians. Yeah, I’m looking at you Joel Edgerton and Christian Bale in ‘Exodus’ you’re the two most non Egyptian people ever.

“So… when do I sing getting to know you?”

Number 6: ET: The Extra-Terrestrial – Estimated Inflation Adjusted Gross – $2,310,000,000

A movie that gave us so much: one of the first truly great alien movies, groundbreaking CGI, sweeping and original storytelling, and the career of Drew Barrymore… Okay well nothing is perfect.

Number 5: The Sound of Music – Estimated Inflation Adjusted Gross – $2,366,000,000

Wait, what?? The Sound of Music?? For some reason this was the movie on this list that surprised me the most. You just don’t think of the sound of music as some sweeping, epic that people flock to theaters to see. You think of it more as something you’re mom made you watch when you were sick so she could pretend not to watch it, as you slowly roasted from the inside out with a fever.

But I’m not bitter or anything.

Number 4: Titanic – Estimated Inflation Adjusted Gross – $2,516,000,000

I knew this movie would show up on this list somewhere. I just knew it. A movie with roughly 4 hours of poorly told, and creepy love story and roughly 10 minutes of the actual sinking Titanic, ‘Titanic.’ Is like watching a very slow and very emotional train wreck. And at the end of the train wreck everybody sits around and talks about how much they LOVED the train wreck and how they felt it had really changed their lives and taught they how to love, and understand the rules of cricket and all you could do was sit in the back, slack jawed , and stupefied wondering what other, better train wreck these people must have been watching.

Number 3: Star Wars – Estimated Inflation Adjusted Gross – 2,825,000,000

Ah finally, the other good movie. Star Wars (A New Hope) is the thing on this list that probably most deserves to be here. It’s great, changed film forever, and is about to make a come back in a movie that will be so good it will single handedly cure the common cold, stop world hunger, and refreeze the ice caps. Or, ya know, just be a movie. That is hopefully good.

Number 2: Avatar – Estimated Inflation Adjusted Gross – $3,020,000,000

The cinematic equivalent of Pocahontas with a blue instagram filter, Avatar just… just sort of kept existing somehow. I mean I get it, it looked nice. But so does… ya know, outside. And I never pay ten dollars to go outside. Well except for that one time but Dracula really put that ten dollars to good use, and I’d been in that coffin for a while so… totally worth it.

This made me so happy.

This made me so happy.

Number 1: Gone with the Wind – – Estimated Inflation Adjusted Gross – $3,440,000,000

WHAT?!?!?! I did a full review of Gone with the Wind a while ago (check it out here) but it is basically the story of two attractive but grossly unappealing and shallow characters who spend their lives slowly being drawn together by the force of their raw selfish, narcissism. And also somebody eats some carrots and then swears violently about going hungry… while holding carrots and standing on a farm. So, way to go everyone who paid to watch this movie. Way to go.

There you have it guys! The top ten grossing movies of all time, the ultimate proof some would say that, in the end, none of us know what on earth we’re doing.

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