Bottom Ten Bombs

Posted: November 5, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity

Well hey Internet, and happy days. Do you find yourself questioning the Facts of Life as you sit in your Full House, and ponder who the Fresh Prince of Bel Air actually is?? Well then… you’r kind of a weird person and I hope you just stop reading this blog right there. For the rest of you, here’s an article that has nothing to do with that stuff up there but that I thought was funnier then that other idea I had today.

Bottom 10 Box Office Bombs

A lot has been made recently of Star Wars Episode 7: The Mickey Mouse Years, breaking all the box office records for ticket sales, before the movie was actually available in theaters. This got me to thinking about the opposite of that though, movies that were hyped hipped and hooped but somehow still ended up losing MILLIONS of dollars. And thus I bring you, this thusly list.

Some ground rules: these aren’t necessarily the ‘movies that no one saw’ list so much as it is the ‘movies that cost the people who made them the most money.’ People don’t go see some really good movies (Mr. Holmes for instance) but just because something doesn’t see something doesn’t make that something a bomb. To be a true box office bomb you’ve got to cost your studio some good old fashioned greened backs.

This list is also adjusted for inflation by some person somewhere who was smarter then me so… thanks person. I just think inflation adjusting makes the list more ‘true to the concept’ or something similarly fancy pants’d sounding.

10.  Sahara (2005) – Estimated Total Losses – 121,194,169

That’s a lot of money my friends, and this is the lowest movie on the list. The weird thing about Sahara is it’s actually kind of a good movie. I mean it’s not great or anything but it’s a perfectly serviceable action/treasure hunter movie. Who knows how it ended up costing the studio roughly 121,194,168 more dollars then I currently posses. But oh boy did it.

"I see... two of our careers never recovering from this."

“I see… two of our careers never recovering from this.”

9. The Lone Ranger (2013) – Estimated Total losses 95,926,537—121,237,251

I wish I could say this was the peak of ‘Johnny Depp doing Johnny Depp things’ in movies serving as the central plot point but then this happened.

Rock bottom everybody.

Rock bottom everybody.

Lone Ranger isn’t the worst movie on this list, but it also definitely isn’t the best. I mean the whole movie was just sloppy and messy and had a crow sitting on an Indians head. It just left you feeling that you had somehow been racist, like people who go to Redskins games or something.

Sports joke!!!

8. John Carter (2012) – Estimated losses: 124,944,919

A movie that can pretty much summed up with the phrase ‘space Sahara’ John Carter was a weird/bad movie based on a book that’s literally the size of some small vans I know. The thing that earned John Carter spot number 8 wasn’t that it’s a terrible movie it was that Disney execs watched it said to themselves ‘boy that was not all that great. How can we get people to come to a not all that great movie that we’ve already spent millions of dollars making??? Oh I’ve got it!! Why not run commercials for 6 months during every commercial break, of every show in the world??’ I took great and deliberate pleasure from many months of NOT going to John Carter. Just cause Disney apparently wanted me to. So take that Disney!! You didn’t make the right call that one time and now a slight corner of your huge vaulted room filled with golden coins and awesomeness belongs BACK to the America People. Suck it Disney!!!

7. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001) – Estimated losses $125,776,050

I remember when this movie came out and everyone practically wet themselves with excitement over how ‘we won’t need any actors anymore, we’ll just animate everything, look at the graphics, the pixels, the moisture!!!’ but everyone just somehow forgot that they should make the movie… ya know, good. The plot makes zero sense and NOTHING happens in it that relates to any tangible thing that any person has ever actually done.

6. The Fall of the Roman Empire (1964) – Estimated losses $126,417,784

This is definitely the weirdest movie on this list, cause it’s actually really good. I mean it has a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and a pre-Obi Wan Alex Guinness. But it was somehow a HUGE financial loss probably due to its huge cast and large number of sandals. Cause those Sandals are expensive man, those’ll run ya three… maybe four cents in 1960’s money.

5. The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002) – Estimated losses $126,461,993

The exact moment we all realized that Eddie Murphy had lost it.

Oh wait no... THIS is Rock Bottom.

Oh wait no… THIS is Rock Bottom.

4. Mars Needs Moms (2011) – Estimate losses $136,816,444

This was one of the early forays into 3D motion capture back when it still looked like the computer had stolen someone’s soul and pasted it into a very poorly animated doppelgänger. The technology wasn’t ready and whenever someone leads a movie pitch with: 3D captured Seth Rogan. You should just leave that pitch meeting. Or prep to lose upwards of 130 million dollars. Whichever.

3. Cutthroat Island (1995) – Estimated losses $137,488,885

The only movie on this list I had never heard of before Cutthroat Island was a pirate themed romantic comedy… thing. That suffered through a ridiculous amount of recasting and rewriting and reshooting. Oddly enough the soundtrack is still widely regarded as excellent but this movie pretty much killed the whole Pirate genre until Pirates of the Carribean came along with pre-terrifyingly weird Johnny Depp and saved it.

2. 47 Ronin (2013) – Estimated losses $151,377,068

Oh Keanu Reeves. If you’re gonna watch one of the movies on this list that’s not The Fall of the Roman Empire, make it this one. Not because this movie is good (cause it is VERY not) but because it is wonderfully, hilariously bad. Watching Pluto Nash will literally slaughter thousands of your brain cells, watching 47 Ronin is just wonderful. In an awful way. Because everyone, really thinks they’re in a great movie… and they are not.

"Wait, what do you mean this will be a terrible movie?? My face is a skull!!"

“Wait, what do you mean this will be a terrible movie?? My face is a skull!!”

1. The 13th Warrior (1999) – Estimated losses $97,896,514—182,838,584

Yup, there’s a real good chance this movie cost the people who made it nearly 200 million dollars. And you know who starred in it? Antonio Banderas. Yes, that Antonio Banderas. I’m sorry, Antonio, I’m sorry they made you make this. I’m sorry it’s on this list… though less that second part, cause this thing was real bad.

And there you have it internet. The movies that cost the most money to the people who made them… oft time deservedly.

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