Hello citizens and welcome back to TV show premiere week!! I already spent some time this week making people angry at me for making fun of Heroes, so I thought to myself why not just keep the good times rolling and make fun of Once Upon a Time!!
Here’s the deal, I tried to watch Once Upon a Time several times, never got into it. Interesting arcing storyline, completely nonsensical writing and bad acting. I was out. But everyone keeps telling me it gets better and that I should give a crap, so I thought hey, why not watch this season premiere and see what I understand.
(In case you hadn’t figured it out I am about to reveal spoilers for Once Upon A Time Season 5 Episode 1)
Little girl in a theater, I assume that that’s Emma given that it’s apparently 1989. Aw, she’s watching the sword and the stone in a theater!! I love that movie. Why am I not watching that movie? Yay Exacalibur and stuff.
Well the once upon a time logo has changed to incorporate a creepy house. I approve of that anyway.
Does every season premiere in this show involve people riding on horses?? Or is that just a coincidence?
Oh look a sword in the stone.
“I just need to take what I want, and then I shall be the greatest king in all the realms.” That’s the sort of writing I’m talking about.
Though I approve of the sword in the stone just straight up murdering the people who aren’t worthy. Much more climactic.
Someone cut Excalibur in half.
Someone just said the sentence “Sucked up by a vortex of evil.” With a straight face. See what I mean???
The Dark One. Good villain name, though I can’t speak too much given my love for Supernatural and this seasons villain “the Darkness.” Have we just gotten tired of naming things? We should just start calling our good guys “Blond Dude” or Muscle Chest just to even things out.
So… apparently Emma is mostly evil or she touched some sort of blade or something and now she’s at least partially evil or possessed by evil or something like that. Old Rumplestiltskin has put on some weight. Okay so she’s possessed by “The Dark One” which I’m assuming is some sort of evil presence that vaguely justifies the actions of the evil queen (Regina) and makes her “not that bad.” Because heaven forbid somebody just be evil. Some dude I don’t know is talking and handing them a stick, I should probably be listening.
Well Regina (the Evil Queen from season 1) just tried to use the magic stick he gave them and she can’t so… apparently I’m not the only one who wasn’t listening. Something something, Regina’s a sister (who’s evil) is gonna have to help them.
Wow Emma just accidentally Vader force choked a peasant. Points for that.
Oh look it’s Belle. And her beast. And some lady gave her a flower in a jar, just like in that movie… whatever it was called. Belle and the Beauty?? Beauty and the Belle?? Dang, what was that???
I don’t know what it says about the show that I know exactly what is going on right now. I expected to be very confused but I know exactly who everyone is and what they’re doing. Probably because everyone keeps very clearly stating their intent and purpose. For instance I know, Regina’s sister is the Wicked Witch of the West cause everyone keeps coily saying things like “that wicked witch” or “that witch is just wicked.” Doesn’t this annoy people who already know who that character is???
Emma keeps accidentally using the Force on people. Oh look it’s Merida!! From that Merida movie… Braveheart?? Merida just challenged Emma to a fist fight after establishing that Emma ACCIDENTALLY used the Force on her. That seems like a good idea. Okay I’m down with Merida who seems like a cool person with a Scottish accent. Even I cannot mock a good Scottish accent. That said pairing up with the obviously crazy psychopath with uncontrolled and evil magical powers seems… un-wise.
Oh look it’s little annoying boy, less small, more annoying.
Why are we discussing our plans out loud in obvious earshot of the person we’re talking about betraying???? She is literally within arms reach. ARMS REACH. And you’re speaking at full volume.
Oh the ill-conceived plan to break the Wicked Witch out of jail to use her for good purposes backfired!! …Shocking…
Wait is it Zelena or Selena?? Cause if the Wicked Witches magical name is ‘Zelena’ I think we should all agree to go burn down this studio. I think it’s weird that we were impressed by the fact that what’s his butt could tell the Wicked Witch was disguised as the woman he loved when he kissed her… I’m pretty sure I could tell.
This show is pulling a Dragon Ball Z!! All of the characters are standing around, watching someone charge up a magical spell. Somebody tackle somebody else please!!
Oh no! Merida overheard Emma talking about betraying her! This may have been a result of the conversation happening out loud roughly four inches from Merida’s ear but… ya know, that’s just a possibility.
Okay so there’s a magical tornade coming to transport everyone to a magical kingdom and we’re carrying a BABY???
“We’re not turning our back on you again, not even in the face of certain death.” Says a character… despite being in a house WITH A BABY!!
Also why does Merida keep shooting incredibly ineffectual arrows at a woman very obviously trying NOT to kill her. I mean great Scottish accent… terrible brain function. Also, her heart seems to be made of candy. I mean I’m not a cannibal or anything but I’d eat that.
Oh look the newly introduced Disney Princess wasn’t heartlessly murdered in her first episode!?!? That was close.
“Mom, Dad you shouldn’t have come! And you definitely shouldn’t have brought a helpless baby! You didn’t do that did you? Cause that would be crazy irresponsible.”
So we brought the entire cast to Camelot for a season apparently. And there’s King Arthur, if this show has Archimedes in it I will be VERY excited. That owl was my hero. King Arthur just announced everyone was going to Camelot and the whole cast looked shocked. Where would you expect him to take you?? I mean if I offered to take you to Camelot THAT would be surprising. King Arthur doing it should be pretty expected.
And we just did a six week time jump, Emma is mysteriously evil, and randomly turned a dude into stone. For literally no reason. Like not even “ooh that was an over reaction” just no reason. Apparently the writers of the show felt the need to really prove Emma was evil now by having her turn a VERY minor character into stone. Cause that’ll show’em.
Okay so, to sum up. The show has legitimately gotten better… I think. But the writing is still iffy at points and the acting still isn’t great. Emma has always been good and some of the new characters do seem to hold their own better than the old characters. So that’s something. That said, it’s still not for me. Like I get it. If you somehow survived the earlier seasons you probably have stockholm syndrome at this point anyway, and since the show is better: you’re in. But if you need me, I’ll be out here.