Heroes: Reborn????

Posted: September 29, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Ah, Heroes… here we are again. I watched every episode of heroes back in the day and let me tell you it was NOT easy. It was not easy because (and I will put this delicately) le sucks. By the end of things the show lacked a clear main character, any sort of interesting main throughline, and frankly was just so scattered lost that even its few good characters (Sylar and… Sylar’s… car?) just kind of got lost in the shuffle. So here we are with Heroes Reborn is it different and new and exciting like the show was at first?? Or is it lost and confused and bedazzled like the shows last few seasons??? Let’s find out together.

It was real bad.

Never has a single gathering of people been so remarkably uninteresting.

Never has a single gathering of people been so remarkably uninteresting.

But why take my word for it? Instead let’s go through and look at each of the main characters one by one and talk about how horrifying they are.

Horn Rimmed Glasses Dude. I mean umm… Noah??? Bennett??

Okay, so he’s the only main returning character thus far and probably also the shows most interesting. He did something and erased his memory and now he’s looking for what he erased and probably won’t like it. Ya know… like every movie ever. Still as stated, he’s easily the best written and most likeable character and at some point he might stumble on something less cliché and more interesting. Who knows.

It’s also worth mentioning that he’s the only person who’s name I remember. Because it’s that sort of show.

Little Kid Teleporty person

Okay so there’s this little kid and when he touches things they teleport. But only when he wants too… I assume. I mean no one ever says that but he does touch things so… anyway, initially he ‘doesn’t know where things go when he touches them’ but eventually he finds out that they go wherever he’s thinking about when he teleports them… ya know, like any single celled organism with a single celled brain would assume. It’s also worth noting that the only reason he figures this out is because a flower teleports into some ice cream or something but—was he thinking of that specific tub of ice cream?? A specific unopened tub of ice cream??? Or did the show just do that for funsies?

The more time you spend with this child, the more you will hate him.

Unless you’re this kid. If you’re this kid just do your best to keep what you are under wraps.

The War hero person

So there’s this guy and he’s a hero but maybe not a hero?? But there IS a hero who definitely isn’t his brother (but it turns out his actually his brother) and then that guy dies and his son is sad and the brother potentially has a tragic past but in typiscal poort writing format the show desperately teleports the fact that something happened in his past instead of leaving it for us to figure out. Every second look from him is some desperate plea for someone to ask him to tell his story. It’s just SOO lazy and predictable and rather than being an interesting surprise down the road it’s just gonna be someone kicking a dead horse until finally it reveals it’s tragic backstory… that analogy got away. It’s easily the worst story… okay so probably the second worst. But more on that exciting point later!!

The One Japanese Girl

In case you hadn’t noticed this show is painfully diverse. I mean I’m all about diversity, but someone has very clearly gone through this show with a clipboard and made sure all the diversity boxes were ticked. Anyway, this is the other somewhat interesting storyline even though it makes ZERO sense. There’s this girl in an apartment and this guy finds her and tells her he played a computer game called “Not World of Warcraft” and that it sent him there (cause games do that.) So she kicks him out (like a sane person) but then he comes back and gives her a comic book and the comic book makes her realize there was a hidden room in her house, though when I say hidden I mean ‘behind a screen that obviously hid a room’ and there’s a sword in the floor and when she draws the sword she goes into the game.

But then that guy shows back up and he enters the game (which by the way has great graphics… in 2004.) and he finds her in the game, and she’s looking for her father who is somehow in the game? And then she ends up putting away the sword and she’s somewhere else in the real world?? I guess. Anyway it’s somewhat interesting purely because I would like to know where the superpowers come in? And who in the world her father is. And how any of this makes sense. At all.

I know, I know… all of these has sounded so gripping… but wait I saved the best/worst for last.

The complete psychopath.

So there’s this couple and they’re hunting people with powers. Something that has literally happened in this show before. But anyway, they lost their child at a point and have now decided to go around and just murder EVERYBODY. The guy seems like a decent person who will (inevitably) become a good guy at some point and see the error of his ways, but his wife is just… just a crazy murderer. And it’s hilarious.

I mean she spends a good ten minutes of the show talking all about her feelings, and how she feels like her husband doesn’t enjoy spending time with her, and she knows she can be a little abrasive sometimes but she really does love him. And then the other ten minutes on the show she KILLS EVERYONE!! Small child innocently wanders onto a scene?? SHOOT HER. Accidentally stumble into a room of people working at computers?? SHOOT THEM!!! It’s the ultimate solution. Which would be fine for a villain except for the other parts of the show, where she complains about how her husband doesn’t really enjoy her company. I mean it’s hard to do both, lady.

"So now that we've wasted another room full of innocents, let's talk about how you seem to be harboring animosity towards me."

“So now that we’ve wasted another room full of innocents, let’s talk about how you seem to be harboring animosity towards me.”

So there you go, those are all the characters from the first episode of Heroes Reborn, except the ones I forgot, because they did not matter.

Oh wait wait I remembered one!! The red headed girl who thought it would be a good idea to extort a telekinetic person and then meander slowly away from him practically wearing a big sign reading “Please Strangle Me with Your Telekinesis.” I forgot her… because she’s an idiot.

Heroes Reborn unfortunately picks up right where the original left off, it emphasizes the wrong characters, focuses on the least interesting parts of itself, and in the end just comes off as much ado about nothing.

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