Hey evryeone, well here we are in September… and there’s just nothing in theaters. Literally nothing. Some theaters are renting out there theater spaces as petting zoos for young children and creepy uncles. So what should you do with your free time? Should you hug your loved ones, spend quality time with your family, and spend time playing adorable games of monopoly, or stratego, or Russian roulette?? Of course not, you should go to Redbox, rent a movie, shuffle your children off to bed without supper, and sit in the dark by yourself watching some great/terrible things!
Top 5 Things You Should Watch
(these are really in no particular order, just whatever tickls the tickly spots in your fancy…)
Umm… this is taking a while. Hang on.. scrolling. Scrolling. Guys these aren’t… none of these are good.
McFarland USA – Um, some people have a running team, and then there’s Kevin Costner and it’s a small town called McFarland, USA. And people run. With or perhaps alongside Kevin Costner. I don’t know, he’s around.
Okay hang on… scrolling. Scrolling.
Ah-ha! Okay here we go.
Paddington – A movie about a tiny stuffed bear, that comes to life and it stars Hugh Bonneville, who’s fantastic. It’s supposed to be one of the best kids movies of the year if you don’t count Inside Out and if you’ve released the not Pixar movie of the year, that’s fairly high praise. Ish. Kind of.
And we’re back to scrolling…
Still Alice – I mean this is a great movie but… you’re gonna be REAL depressed. Just so depressed. And hey speaking of depressed!!
Unbroken – Probably not as good as ‘Still Alice’ but you know if you’ve ever looked at yourself and thought “Man, I’m just way too happy.” Then I recommend a double feature of Still Alice and Unbroken to be followed by just hours of sadness and seeing no point in anything.
Interstellar – A movie that got a lot of hate mostly because it wasn’t Inception. I thought it was great though, and there were weird blocky robots, and some traveling and Inter-ing and Stellar-ing and all that jazz. Check it out seeing as it’s the only movie on this list that’s not a kids movie, a running movie, or a sad depressing movie in which everyone is being tortured or having Alzheimer’s and all those exciting things.
Okay… well that was terrible. Way harder than it needed to be. Now on to a much MUCH easier job, finding things not to watch. In fact let’s make this more interesting shall we?? Let’s do 10. That’s pretty crazy huh?? That’s INSANE in the membrane!!! … …
I need better life goals.
Top 10 Things You Should Not Watch
Barbie: Rock N Royals – This is the actual synopsis of this movie, “Two very different worlds collide when a mix-up sends Princess Courtney to Camp Pop and rock star Erika to Camp Royalty. While the leaders of the rival camps try to correct the mix-up, both Courtney and Erika learn to adjust to the different worlds” I, literally, have nothing I could possibly write that will ever be funnier than that. Thanks you, Barbie.
Love Triangle – A movie that did not even reach the point where Rotten Tomatoes felt the need to rate it. Guess what this movie is about?? It’s about two friends who fall in love with a guy, and neither of them know how far the other will go!!! Will they text eachother lightly?? Will they go to the man’s house and leave decorative chocolates at his door??? The HORROR!!!
The Runner – Nicolas Cage stars in a movie. What more do you want to know?????
True Law – I’m just gonna put the poster for this movie up here. I have no other comments.
Paul Blart 2 – Yeah… this happened.
Jackie and Ryan – not to be confused with famous spy Jack Ryan, Jackie and Ryan was super unfortunately named and stars Katherine Heigl (from all those bad movies) and Ben Barnes (from all those bad actings.) So it’s unfortunately named and unfortunately cast and really just… kind of unfortunate.
Lake Placid vs. Anaconda – A lake. Vs. An Anaconda. My moneys on… I mean I guess it’s on the lake right?? I mean sure the lake has no offensive capabilities but what can a snake do to a lake?? I mean maybe he could… drink it??? But surely just by pure passage of time the lake wins right?? I’m putting way too much thought into this aren’t I?
Jupiter Ascening – This is literally one of the worst things I have ever seen. It’s kind of funny… but not on purpose.
The Houses October Built – Is this some weird alternate version of Lake Placid vs. Anaconda??? Can October build a house? Does Lake Placid come and stay there on the weekends while it’s trying to outlive that Anaconda??
Mortdecai – Oh Johnny Depp… the depths to which you have fallen. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.
So there you go guys! Win for the me team, win for the you team, and a tie for the alternate team.