Summer Movie Awards 2015

Posted: August 27, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , ,

Internet!! Here we are again, and you can believe that this is the 4th time that we will be gathering around these hollowed halls to celebrate the conclusion of another summer?? It really is hard to believe, and I just want to take a second and thank all of you for tagging along on this crazy train that we call life… I mean: a blog. Cause those are different…


The 4th Annual Summer Movie Awards!!!  

Yeah... we don't so much have trophies. Can I interest you in some sarcasm?

Yeah… we don’t so much have trophies. Can I interest you in some sarcasm?

Most High Heels – Jurassic World

Kicking us off in the coveted kicking related pun spot. Is of course Jurassic World. A movie in which a woman chose to wear high heels, and everybody gave a darn. It’s worth noting Jurassic World was a close runner up for Best Dinosaur but then a movie starring Arnold Scwarzinegar was released. (rimshot)

Most Jerks –  The Entourage Movie

Oh Entourage, you big hilarious failure, you. Look, you’re TV show was a hilariously inaccurate look at Hollywood featuring a cast of unlikeable characters, cruising through a privileged life, while learning virtually no valuable lessons, or becoming any more likable. So if nothing else at least you can see your movie was an accurate representation of your show.

Best Kids Movie – Inside Out

The first of several recurring categories this is a category that has occasionally been a rough decision for me, but thankfully Pixar came along and erased any decision making process for me by releasing one of the best kids movies I have ever seen: Inside Out. A well cast, brilliantly conceived, and well written movie, Pixar can sit back, relax, and wait for all it’s lavish Summer Movie Awards prize money, to roll on in.

FYI: it’s gonna be a while.

Yup, that seems about right.

Yup, that seems about right.

Least Sensical Title – Infinitely Polar Bear

Sure I could look up a synopsis of this movie and tell you what it was about but that seems like I’m doing your work for you. And as well all know, if you help a moth escape its chrysalis, you’re looking at five more weeks of winter. And who wants that?? What I will tell you is that it has nothing to do with Polar’s, Bears, or the Chrysler Infiniti. Or the mathematical concept of Infiniti. Or Xfiniti.

Maddest Max – Max

And just to clarify that’s not: “Mad Max: Fury Road,” that’s Max the movie about this dog and Laureli from Gilmore Girls. Cause that dog got angry bro. Whereas Max from Mad Max mostly just got… not talking. Or participating in the movie in any way.

Mad Max... not that mad really.

Mad Max… not that mad really.

Most Unnecessary Slaughter of Ants – Ant-man

Still upset at the callous slaughter of these noble creatures, for a cause that was not their own, so many miles from their little ant-homes. You jerks.

Most Unnecessary Sequel – Hitman: Agent 47

Another repeat category and yet again, a stiff year of competition. In the end Agent 47 gets the nod because really at no point did anyone think this was a good idea. Sure, Insidious 3 was a thing. And Terminator Genisys happened and was spelled that way. There was even a sequel to Magic Mike for some reason (and let’s not even talk about Fantastic Four.) But at least most of those movies had a point (admittedly VERY early on in the process for some) where they were good ideas.  Agent 47 was a sequel to a bad movie, based on an okay video game franchise, featuring a bland lead character, doing vague things, for a mysterious corporation. I actually have played a couple Hitman games and enjoyed them but… that’s not exactly a great jumping off point for a movie.

Movie No One Cared About – Tomorrowland

I don’t even remember this movie coming out. I remember thinking at various points “I might see that” and “I wonder when that will come out!!” But then… it just passed through the room. Like Dust in the wind. Like a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.

Back to back Wash references, ladies and gentleman. Why do you even go to other web sites?

Back to back Wash references, ladies and gentleman. Why do you even go to other web sites?

Biggest Pleasant Surprise – Mr. Holmes

I wasn’t SUPER surprised by any movies this summer but Mr. Holmes was just so good that I couldn’t let it run through this list without mentioning it. Great movie, great casting, I didn’t think it would be bad but I wasn’t sure how good it would be and was surprised to find it excellent!!

Movie I Saw the Least – Pixels

There’s not seeing a movie (Tomorrowland) and then there is NOT SEEING A MOVIE. This award goes to a man who has earned it time and again for frankly ridiculously consistent horrifying terribleness: Adam Sandler. Not only was this a really bad movie (which it was) but it was a really bad movie of what was a fairly decent original concept. I’m sorry Original Concept for Pixels… we never knew you.

Biggest Unpleasant Surprise – Fantastic Four

Let’s be clear: I was never completely in on this movie. I thought it looked interesting at times, even (dare we say it) good. Other times I thought it would be less good, or bad, or (worst of all) just sort of ‘meh.’ But I never thought it would be a complete trainwreck. I mean this movie was so bad everyone involved in making it literally started backpedaling as soon as they saw it. The cast showed up at the premiere just claiming they had never seen it, BEFORE it was released the Director took to twitter to inform us all that his original idea was different and better then whatever it was we were going to see.

It wasn’t just bad, it was epically horribly bad, and while I never thought it would be a delicious steak dinner, I certainly never thought it would be a pile of stale dog food served on a paper plate and covered in goose grease.

Best voice – Avengers: Age of Ultron

James Spader, everyone. No further words necessary.

Movie of the Summer –  Avengers: Age of Ultron

I know, I know, what a shocker. I spent a long time flip flopping between this and Mr. Holmes but in the end I put it to the old Deserted Island test and I think Age of Ultron has the advantage there. No it wasn’t the best movie I’ve ever seen, no it wasn’t as artistically relevant or well acted as Mr. Holmes, but it was fun, the cast was great, the writing was humorous and on the whole I thoroughly enjoyed the ride. It’s by no means a perfect movie but it was a very entertaining movie, and sometimes (like for instance when you’re on a deserted movie blog… I mean Island, that’s all your looking for!!

Well thanks Internet!! Thanks for the last four years, and I’ll see you next year, for numero five.

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