Box Office Top Ten 8-13-2015

Posted: August 13, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity

Well hey internet!! How’s living? What’s tricking? And what can I do to improve your customer experience?? What’s that?? You want a breakdown of the top ten movies at the box office this week??? Well that’s weird. But okay.

Box Office Top Ten 8/13/2015

10. Southpaw

Okay so here's my idea for the poster. We'll get Gyllenhall's bloody, sweaty, bearded face. And then we'll put the rest of the cast in his neck!!"

Okay so here’s my idea for the poster. We’ll get Gyllenhall’s bloody, sweaty, bearded face. And then we’ll put the rest of the cast and a fully gym in his neck!!”

Slipping in at number 10 this week is Southpaw. A boxing movie strring Jake Gyllenhall in which I am assuming he boxes some people. Gyllenhall is fine but on the whole the movie is mostly just another boxing movie in which people box. Some people are beaten and then those people rally and win the fight for their wife or their daughter or their chimichanga or something.

9. Pixels

It’s a movie and it has Adam Sandler and Kevin James in it. Consider that information a public safety warning.

8. Trainwreck

A comedy starring the genuinely funny Amy Schumer that is not as genuinely funny as it should be. It’s fine. At times even stretching to ‘good’ but it never gets the kind of footing it probably should. Wow that was kind of serious wasn’t it? Give me a sec. Here… Trainwreck?? More like: Brain… blech.

Guys I think I’m broken.

7. Ricki and the Flash

Meryl Streep stars in a mediocre fami—wait what? Meryl Streep??? Mediocre?? What’s happening to me??? The world makes no sense!!!

Never doubt the power of Meryl! NEVER!!!

Never doubt the power of Meryl! NEVER!!!

6. Minions

No!! The merchandising!! The memes!! Will it never end!!!

They're coming for you!!

They’re coming for you!!

5. Ant-man

Okay, okay. Marvel is still making good movies. I’m still doing full reviews of Ant-man over here. The world is starting to return to normal. Now all I need is a mindless, audience stupefying, mostly offensive R rated comedy that makes me question the existence of cinema and I’ll know the world is back to normal.

4. Vacation

And we’re good.

3. The Gift

Okay… I have very little idea what this movie is actually about. It has Jason Bateman who is hilarious, but it is NOT I repeat NOT hilarious. It’s kind of weird and terrifying and strange. And it frightens me. I want my Jason Batman’s funny dang it. Stop messing with the flow of the universe Jason. Ya jerk.

2. Fantastic Four

You know the only movie on this list with a lower rotten tomatoes score than Pixels??? It’s this movie. By all accounts, it is a trainwreck. But not the movie trainwreck, which is fine. It’s more of just a Train ride. Kind of fine but unless you really enjoy the scenery you’re probably not all about what’s going on. This movie though is a trainwreck. Several trains, simultaneously wrecking. And those trains were filled with other smaller trains that flew through the air and wrecked against each other.

  1. Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

Tom Cruise still just going all Rogue-y all over the place here. This movie is pretty much exactly what you want it to be. There’s explosions and missions which are initially thought to be impossible but turn out to be actually possible as long as you have runny Tom Cruise. It’s quite good. Very good I would venture to say. But it is what you expect it to be.

So there you go guys, what you wanted. And by that I mean, what I told you, you wanted.

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