Sony’s Master Plan

Posted: August 6, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity

Internet!! It’s been so long, so much has happened, so much has changed, and yet somehow I feel like we’re all in the same place. Like little floaty hairs in the great sink drain of life.

But anyway, enough of that mess. Let’s talk about Sony shall we?? Recntly, i.e. yesterday Sony released their Official Sony Four Year film making film list!! And it was very exciting, in that it looks like they’ve made some very interesting casting choices. Now obviously these aren’t the only movies they’re releasing between now and 2019 but these are at least their big bad franchises that they’re banking on making them all the money and it’ll be interesting to see how that all plays out. The thing that really jumps out to me about this list is the casting they’re doing more than the movies, but we’ll just have to see how the rest of it plays out.

Money Monster – 4/8/2016

A movie directed by Jodie Foster and starring George Clooney and Julia ‘I promise I’m still relevant’ Roberts, Money Monster is the story of a guy who runs a TV show about money and his show gets hijacked by an enraged viewer who lost all his money and then (and I’m quoting here) “uncover the truth behind a tangle of big money lies.” I mean I guess that sounds okay, right? It’s George Clooney and he’ll be doing various George Clooney thing so… that’s good?? And nothing draws the crowds like tangles of big money lies right???

I'm not a hostage expert but... I don't think that guy is doing it right.

I’m not a hostage expert but… I don’t think that guy is doing it right.

The Shallows – 6/24/2016

I could not find anything out about this movie. So until further notice we’re gonna assume that this movie focuses on a bunch of elderly retired people sitting at the shallow end of the pool, talking about their lives and health concerns… you’d watch that wouldn’t you? Throw Judy Dench and Maggie Smith in this thing and we’re ROLLING in the dough.

Ghostbusters – 7/15/2016

I think it’s safe to say this is the movie on this list I’m most excited about. I think it’ll be great. It’s attracted it’s fair amount of controversy because of it’s all female-cast but haters will SURELY hate so… welcome to the internet I guess. I honestly think it’ll be pretty good though and if it’s terrible we can all rest assured that the internet will spend the next decade or so angrily yelling at the moon… yay.

Patient Zero – 9/2/2016

Okay so I was all ready to be snarky and all ‘Oh look it’s just another Zombie movie” but then I looked at the cast which consists of: Matt Smith, Natalie Dormer, and Stanley Tucci. The Tucc!!! And Matt Smith is apparently a guy who can talk to Zombies!! I’m 1000% in on that mess.

Ah Matt Smith, doing what he does best, talking to Aliens... I mean Zombies.

Ah Matt Smith, doing what he does best, talking to Aliens… I mean Zombies.

The Magnificent Seven – 9/23/2016

Okay also fairly excited about this movie. Let’s look at some cast members shall we?? Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt, Matt Bomer, Byung-hun Lee and Vincent D’Onofrio. I’m buying in on that one.

Underworld 5 – 10/21/2016

Okay look, I love the original Underworld movie. It’s great. And Underworld 3: That Prequel One Maybe. Was pretty decent. But other than that there really isn’t much to see here and I feel like everyone is kinda on board with that at this point. I mean 2 was bad, and four was just really bad. You keep making these bad sequels and it’s gonna ruin that first good one that you (apparently on accident) made. Everyone but Sony that is.

Passengers – 12/21/2016

A movie that doesn’t sound that great until you find out the cast but basically there’s a ship and it’s on a 120 year journey to a new planet and everyone on board is supposedly in hibernation until 1 of them (Chris Pratt) gets woken up 100 years too early. After a while alone he also wakes up another female passenger (because why not) who is played by Jennifer Lawrence. At some point something goes wrong with the ship and there’s some drama and some action and things but this movie had me at ‘Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence.’

Jumanji – 12/25/2016

Do we really need a Jumanji remake?? Isn’t the original Jumanji pretty much everything you would want a Jumanji movie to be?? I mean who are you casting here that could ever hold a candle to young Kirsten Dunst??? Oh wait no, I mean Robin Williams. Yeah, him.

So someone somewhere thinks they can top this???

So someone somewhere thinks they can top this???

(Okay we’re in to 2017 at this point guys so there is a LOT less info on these movies so I’ll be a little quicker)

The Dark Tower – 1/13/2017

Hm… not sure how I feel about this. I mean, I love the Dark Tower books but this thing is supposed to have been a movie, and a TV show, and a movie that was gonna be followed by a TV show and then finished by a movie… anytime something has been stuck in development that long you get worried about what the final product will be. It’s like if you bought a really great looking TV dinner but the instructions were: put in microwave, take out of microwave and put in oven, take out of oven and then put it back into the oven, and then put it in the microwave again. It might be good but… you’re gonna be concerned right?

Resident Evil 6 – 1/27/2017

Ah Resident Evil, a franchise that (like it’s zombies) should probably just stay dead.

Bad Boys 3 – 2/17/2017 

Ummm… what?

Baby Driver – 3/17/2017

So this movie is (somewhat dissapointingly) not about a baby who drives a Taxi in New York City (cause I would watch that) it’s about a guy named ‘Baby’ cause of his ‘baby face’ and he drives for the mob or something. Very misleading name.

Barbie – 6/2/2017

This movie is (somewhat dissapointingly) about exactly what you think it’s about. Barbie. The toy. Unfortunately.

Uncharted – 6/30/2017

Based on the popular video games Uncharted is… well it’s that. Based on those video games. I’ve never played them but having recently made the jump from Xbox to Playstation I hope to soon… and that’s all I’ve got on this one.

The Lamb – 12/8/2017

I’m just gonna paste the summary here “The Lamb” is a fully CG animated theatrical feature project which tells the inspirational story of a young lamb who will change the world.” Yup… that’s what it’s about.

Bad Boys 4 – 7/3/2019

No seriously, what???

Well there you go friends. Sony’s movies for the next four-ish years. It’s gonna be a party. Maybe.

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