Posted: August 4, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity

Internet!! Hello and welcome to a very special day. A day where I, your semi-fearless non-leader shall bravely go forth and watch a terrible movie for no purpose other than to save you from one day stumbling blindly into the horrible festooned pit of mind numbing terror that is: Outcast.

Micah Reviews: Outcast

The two people on this poster are all you need to know about this movie. That's it.

The two people on this poster are all you need to know about this movie. That’s it.

Yup, Outcast, featuring the world destroying ‘talents’ of Hayden Christensen and Nicolas Cage. The men who single-handedly have destroyed more beloved franchises then most people are aware actually exist in the world. But let’s not sit around and focus on the distinct lack of acting talent, let’s focus on the distinct lack of story!!

The Plot:

So umm… the crusades were a thing, and like most great tragedies throughout history: Nicolas Cage was there. And also Hayden Christensen. For reasons. But why stick with the crusades for more than a few minutes when we can look at some other people, doing other things!!

So China is a place. There’s an emperor and he (for unknown reasons) gives his youngest son who we will call… Tippins. The royal seal and tells him to run away before his older brother (Toppins) arrives. When Toppins does get there he murders his father, and then is instantly put in charge because that is definitely how that would actually work.

Yeah Hayden... that hair makes sense for the time period... you uh, you have that hair.

Yeah Hayden… that hair makes sense for the time period… you uh, you have that hair.

Meanwhile Tippins is out with his older sister umm… Tuppins-a-Bag are fleeing through the country side where they run into Hayden Christenson who is addicted to opium but is also quite capable of murdering people to death with swords. Which he does. Then he takes Tippins and Tuppins out on a magical journey away from Toppins where they are reunited with Nicolas Cage who has (quite inexplicably) become a worst actor since we saw him last.

So can these bland uninteresting characters save China?? Can Nicolas Cage over act his overacting?? I hope for your sake that you never have to find out.

The Pros:

Umm… the fighting isn’t the worst… I guess. I mean it’s well choreographed for the most part so… that’s something.

There is appoint in this movie, where the movie is over.

The cons: 

Where to start… okay let’s go with the obvious question: who is the worse actor, Nicolas Cage or Hayden Christensen. Surprisingly, the answer to that question is abundantly apparent as the movie goes on. It’s Nicolas Cage. When the movie starts it’s a fairly close contest as both men are (supposedly) sane. But when Hayden Christensen (I literally do not remember his name) finds Nicolas Cage’s character (whose name is possibly Gawain??) Nicolas Cage is a drunk and he has just lost it. He’s doing this weird voice that makes him sound like the Batman voice and Grover from sesame street had an illegitimate child. He’s shouty and angry and muttery and just… just the worst.

The Prince (the younger one who is supposed to be the Kingdom’s last hope) is potentially the worst, most clueless person ever in the world. A boy who routinely exposes himself to the people pursuing him for no reason. A boy who asks a thousand questions and doesn’t actually retain any of the information given to him. A boy who’s face does not in any way realize that it is attached to the rest of his body.

Also, no one in this movie uses people’s names. I literally JUST watched this movie and I know none of the names of the characters.

Nic Cage a man whose bad acting is only rivaled by his bad wig.

Nic Cage a man whose bad acting is only rivaled by his bad wig.

I could go on and talk about how no one actually seems to understand what opium actually does to a person’s ability to swordfight. I could talk about how every third person in this movie chooses to “nobly sacrifice himself for the prince” for very little reason. One character walk out of a cave and sacrifices himself only to literally seconds later have his sacrifice proved worthless because everyone is still trapped anyway. I mean I love a sacrifice as much as anyone, but I remember at least… four times people played the ‘sacrifice’ card and after a while it gets a little old.

In Conclusion:

Outcast is pretty much exactly what you thought it would be. A poorly acted, unfortunately scripted, sadly conceived movie that is only entertaining in how bad it is. That said: I feel kinda bad for Hayden Christensen. I mean, Nic Cage is basically just insane. I’m sure he makes a billion dollars a year given that he’s in pretty much every bad movie that gets made in any given year. That’s on him and I hope he’s happy. But it’s not Hayden Christenson’s fault he was ‘discovered’ by George Lucas and put in a poorly acted, unfortunately scripted, and sadly conceived Star Wars movie. I think Hayden Christensen was, in the end, destined to be a Soap Opera star, and George Lucas stole that from him. It’s not that he’s a bad actor he’s just—okay so yeah he’s pretty bad. But he tries the poor little fella. He tries. Kind of like this movie.

I give it 1 Tuppins out of 5.

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