Movie Spy Showdown

Posted: July 23, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Well hello Internet, and welcome to Thursday or (as it will henceforth be known) Spythsday!!!— Okay yeah that didn’t work out. Sorry, kinda got ahead of myself there. Just… just forget I said anything okay.

So with the recent new trailer for Specter (James Bonds new movie in which I still irrationally believe that Andrew Scott ends up being the real villain cause he’s awesome in Sherlock and should be the real villain in EVERY movie… what was I saying?…) Oh yeah, so with the new trailer for Specter, the new Mission Impossible movie coming out in a few weeks AND the new Man from UNCLE coming out whenever the heck that comes out I got to thinking: “Spy movies are great!!” I thought. “But I wonder who is the best spy? The spyee-est spy of them all!! I wonder if I pressed the center button, and bold typed myself up some font if I could call a blog post—“

The Ultimate Movie Spy Showdown

Them rules: Locked room fight. We drop the spys into the rooms and each person gets one weapon of choice that he can carry on his body, no cars that fire sharks or whatever. Fight is to the death, and with the characters ‘in their prime’ as it twir.

So that’s it for the rules, at least for the moment. Pretty cut and dry on the whole. But before we can settle in for our main event we have to settle a smaller match to figure out which incarnation of a certain character character gets to represent said character. So why not start with:

James Bond

Okay so we drop all of Bonds various incarnations into one locked room, give them each a martini and let them duke it out. Who wins in this epic battle? Who takes home the trophy after a struggle of monumental proportions??? Who could possibly— yeah it’s pretty much just Daniel Craig isn’t it?? I mean we all know Pierce Brosnan’s Bond steps into the room says something smarmy and sexist and immediately gets murdered by everyone else, so he’s out. Roger Moore goes next taking his large stomach paunch with him. Lazenby and Niven realize that no one actually remembers who they are and mutually kill each other with their bowties, and after that it’s just Connery, Dalton, and Craig. I figure Connery probably goes next as he tries to find the button that makes his pants turn into jelly or the ejector seat for the room and then Craig finishes off Dalton through the sheer force of his very tiny blond haircut.

I said shaken, not earthquaked.

I said shaken, not earthquaked.

Seriously though: this isn’t even a fight right??? I mean have you seen Daniel Craig’s Bond?? That dude doesn’t mess around. All the other Bonds are all like “Well, we seemed to have been dropped into a sudden death match? Isn’t that clonefusing!!!” And while their all making puns and smiling wryly at imaginary women, Craig is just having neck snappy party times.

Now that we have our Bonds in order let’s take a look at our other three contestants from around the cinematic universe shall we?

In Corner Number 1 hailing from somewhere he probably doesn’t remember: it’s Jason Bourne of the Bourne movies. Featuring great movies such as, Bourne: Identity, Bourne: Alt-Tomato, and Bourne: Yup, Another Bourne Movie. We’re going with Jason Bourne here and not that other guy who was in a Bourne movie but wasn’t Jason Bourne. Cause none of that idea made any sense. Jason Bourne is a man with amnesia, he enjoys not remembering the things he enjoys, and stabbing people with household objects.

Jason Bourne a great spy, but an even better house inspector.

Jason Bourne a great spy, but an even better housing inspector.

Mr. Bourne’s weapon of choice for today’s fight is a Bic Pen.

In Corner Number 2 we have of course Mr. Ethan Hunt from the Mission Impossible franchise. A franchise made up of movies like Mission Impossible 1: Who Is Tom Cruise??, Mission Impossible 3: The Short Hair Years, Mission Impossible 4: That One With the Building, and Mission Impossible 2: This Movie Didn’t Happen… We Promise. Mr. Hunt is a master of having a machine that makes hilariously accurate masks for him, running and running and running and running, and of getting the crap kicked out of him. Just all the time.

"I can't shake the weird feeling that if properly applied this mask could solve ALL of my problems."

“I can’t shake the weird feeling that if properly applied this mask could solve ALL of my problems.”

Ethan’s weapon of choice will be shoes with huge lifts in them so that he can actually see his opponents. (ha ha… you’re short Tom Cruise)

In corner Number 3 we have Brian Mills from the Taken franchise!! A franchise that features such incredible movies as Taken 1: Awesome!!, Taken 2: Umm… Awesome???, and Taken 3: We’ve Probably ‘Taken’ this Series Too Far… I’m sorry Brian, don’t know what happened with that pun there I— I’m just sorry.

Mr. Mills enjoys sightseeing, visiting foreign countries, and punching people in foreign countries while sightseeing. Mr. Mills weapon of choice will be his own two huge, cement truck hands and his gravely gravel voice cause he don’t need no weapons!!!!

Taken 3: great poster, terrible movie.

Taken 3: great poster, terrible movie.

And of course in corner number 4 we have Daniel Craig’s James Bond. Mr. Bond enjoys activities such as watching women he has developed some vague connection with be captured and usually killed, drinking heavily, using firearms, drinking heavily, and having stubble. And also drinking.

His weapon of choice is a martini, shaken and not stirred… which technically makes the drink LESS alcoholic Mr. Bond. Just as a side note, you British poser you.

All right, so who’s first to go?? Easy answer: Ethan Hunt. But wait, what’s that?? It’s one of those inexplicably perfect, everyone seems to have them but not use them, masks!!! It’s not Ethan Hunt at all, it’s that guy from “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy” probably the longest and most boring spy movie ever made!! And that dude is dead. Not because someone killed him or anything, he was always dead, he’s been dead since halfway through his own movie, and no one noticed.

Okay, so who goes second?? In our now incredibly epic battle between James Bond, Brian Mills, and Jason Bourne??? Wow… that was a pretty awesome sentence right there. Anyway, I’m gonna say Bourne goes next. He gets midway through the fight and then forgets where he is and who he is and why he’s holding a pen and how James Bond likes his martini and while he and Bond are discussing the finer points of shaking things Ben Mills just murders Bourne to death. Sorry Bourne.

And now we come down to it, Bond vs. Mills, Craig vs. Neeson. Some of the growliest voices and craggiest faces in film facing off in a room. Wow… this is tough. Umm… Personally, I want to give it to Mills cause, ya know, Liam Neeson. But have you watched Taken 3??? Has anyone actually watched Taken 3? So suddenly, Brian Mills comes to the realization that his wife and daughter are played by two phenomenally annoying actresses and that his franchise has done nothing but take dramatic leaps backwards. Upon this realization Brian Mills, the king of awesome, wills himself out of existence. Cause he has not the time for such suckitude.

And so, James Bond straightens his tie, finishes his watery drink and casually strides out of the room, King of the movie spies.

"Cue my theme song, if you would be so kind."

“Cue my theme song, if you would be so kind.”

So there you go guys, disagree? Think I left a spy off the list? Want to know who would win in other various made up battles?? Email me at thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com and I will maybe sort of probably get right on that!

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