DC Movies Ranked from Worst to First

Posted: July 21, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Hey Internet and welcome to a day where I provide just a little touch of yang, to my big old bag of ying that I dropped a few weeks ago. Props to loyal reader Eric for sending me the following e-mail.

“So I know your a Marvel guy but are we gonna get a ranking of the DC movies?”

First off Eric (if that’s your real name!?!?!?!) I’m not a ‘marvel guy’ necessarily. I am a guy who talks about movies and for the last few years Marvel are kind of the only things going. I mean, do you really want to hear me talk about Man of Steel even more?? I feel like I’ve talked that movie out, and I’m not one of those people who is gonna slow down trailers and analyze every microfiber in Wonder Womans spangly shirt.

That is a job for other people. My job is to come on here twice a week and make vague musical references, while discussing things I am in no way qualified to discuss. I take that job very seriously, Eric.

That said I also take you very seriously Eric and since nobody has, as of yet, sent me a desperate pleading email NOT to do a DC ranking (thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com) I suppose that I shall know give it the old 1, 2, rank!!!

DC Rankings: Worst to First 

Okay, per usual I have a made up rule: only movies made this millennium. Sorry fan of Superman 4: The Quest for Peace, you will not make this list. Films (and especially comic book films) have changed SO much in the last decade or so that comparing a 90’s Batman movie to a modern one is basically like trying to compare a beesting to a bazooka crater. I have nothing against 90’s Batman, he’s just not exactly in the same bracket as the more modern comic book movie offerings.

Okay so, taking those out we’ve got… 9 movies to work with! So, here we go with the much coveted, greatly reviled spot of: Number 9.

9. Catwoman

There was a surprising amount of competition for the bottom spot on this list, but the thing that distinguished itself clearly from the rest of the pack, like the subtle smell of kitty litter thwapping you across the face in the morning: was Catwoman. Not just potentially the worst super hero movie ever, but certainly on the shortlist for worst movie ever. It’s just terrible. Halle Berry is just mind numbingly boring, the script is horrendous, the action is fake and unremarkable in every way and the story just makes no sense. Catwoman is the cinematic equivalent of realizing you have gum on your shoe, bending down to remove it, and being hit by a fully loaded garbage truck… repeatedly.

"What have you done to our public image?"

“What have you done to our public image?”

8. Jonah Hex 

A movie that didn’t so much rise up from last place as it did stumble drunkenly into second to last place Jonah Hex was… well it was terrible. Just… super bad. I mean it’s an interesting idea right? There’s a Cowboy and he… is dead?? Or was dead. Or might become dead and then… look it was terrible okay? My brain is on it’s tiny brain-knees begging me to stop thinking about the specifics of this movies plot. ‘Some things’ my brain whispers in the dark. ‘Are best left forgotten.’

7. Superman Returns 

That’s right folks, start reaching for that escape key right now!! Start writing those angry emails as you sip on that five hour energy, that’s fine. I can take it. Superman Returns was a terrible movie. The plot made no sense, the characters were bland and unforgettable, Superman somehow had an illegitimate son, Superman used his x-ray vision and super hearing to spy on his x-girlfriend, Superman comes off at the end looking like a total moron and saves the day by lifting a thing. I could keep going. The only vague positive thing one could say about this movie is that Kevin Spacey made a pretty good Lex Luthor, and even then his lines were bad and his plan made no sense. So there you go nerds of the world. Get on that hatin’.

6. Green Lantern 

Ah, Green Lantern, one of the first full reviews I ever did on this blog and it was an astonishingly bad movie, with lame CGI, and a villain so non menacing he couldn’t even be bothered to put on his body. I thought it was better then Superman Returns because at least you can sort of follow Green Lantern. Sure his powers are probably some of the hardest things to realize in all of comic books because they have no tangible limit other then “your imagination” yet the only thing our hero builds with them are giant fists and a racetrack for some reason. But whatever, if you want to switch Superman Returns and Green Lantern I’m fine with it. As long as you don’t make me watch them or think about them or talk about them anymore then I already have.

Yes, you have used the infinite power of the universe to create one very small mini-gun... well done for you.

Yes, you have used the infinite power of the universe and your imagination  to create one very small mini-gun… well done for you.

5. Man of Steel

I have talked at incredible lengths about this movie before so I will simply sum up: Meh. I didn’t hate it, but it wasn’t all that good. The story had a lot of plot holes, the main characters was humorless and largely unlikeable, but the movie as a whole wasn’t bad. People punched stuff. It wasn’t a bad action movie, but in an era where Comic book movies are supposed to be more than just “here’s an action movie but that guy has superpowers” Man of Steel found itself unable to crack into the top three necks… I mean movies.

4. The Watchmen

Technically a DC movie, Watchmen was VERY different from every other movie on this list. It was pretty good, I enjoyed it. But it wasn’t a movie you want to watch over and over, it was thought provoking and interesting but it’s not something you pop into the DVD player just for the funs. Not that every DVD needs to be that, just that most super hero movies tend to be this way.

And now for the least difficult to predict top three ever:

3. The Dark Knight Rises

The last and probably the worst of the Chris Nolan batman movies, I enjoyed it a lot, but the storytelling was a little spastic and there was a decent amount of plot holage, and Nolan gave away the movies ‘twist ending’ in the first ten mintues of the movie when he basically sat down and told us EXACTLY how the movie would end. But Catwoman was interesting and Bane was… a thing. That happened.

Cause well remember Bane's famous line: "Well Batman, mumble mumble mumble darkness mumble mumble break you."

Cause well remember Bane’s famous line: “Well Batman, mumble mumble mumble darkness mumble mumble break you.”

2. Batman Begins

Look I’m open to debating these being the top three but look back at the previous entries and really try and make an argument. I can see Watchmen being higher on the list MAYBE but that’s just such a niche movie that it’s hard to elevate it too much. Anyway, Batman Begins was great, there was some Liam Neeson, some not Maggie Gyllenhall, and only a very VERY small amount of the Batman voice.

1. The Dark Knight

Wow!! What a shocking surprise!!! That I, Micah Thompson, would choose the Dark Knight as the top part of a movie list. I should go back and find out how many times I’ve put this movie on top of a list… but that sounds like a lot of work. So I’ll just say this movie is great, Heath Ledger is awesome, and Maggie Gyllenall is… ya know in it. Unfortunately.

So there you go Eric, and other various Eric typed people. The DC movies!!! (that I arbitrarily limited for no reason.) I shall see you all Thursday when I shall write some stuff, about some things, that are things.

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