Box Office Top Ten 7/14/2015

Posted: July 14, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity

Internet! How are things? So.. sorry I was gone pretty much all of last week. And most of the week before that. Really one could legitimately ask the question: was I ever here? Is this whole website just an illusion??? Is anything real? Am I just whistling in the inter-wind?? Who could say. Anyway though, let’s ignore the deep philosophical questions of life and focus on a recurring segment wherein I make fun of a lot of  movies that I may or may not have actually seen!! Cause that’s what we’re all here for.

10. Max

Something with a dog?? I guess. Not to be confused with ‘Mad Max’ which was something about a crazed person with a  car, this is ‘Calm Max’ or ‘Dog Max’ a dog who gets involved in some family hijinks and probably at some point teaches us all a valuable lesson about loyalty or family or something.

No not that Max either...

No not that Max either…

9. Baahubali: The Beginning

I have no idea what this movie is about. It’s from India.  So there are very good odds that even if I HAD seen it, I still wouldn’t know what it was about. Sure I could look up a plot synopsis or something, but I could also just hit this enter key here and sail right on by. So…

Okay would you stop that!

Okay would you stop that!

8. Self/Less

I think it’s adorable that Ryan Reynolds still wants to be a real boy. Look Ryan, I don’t mind you. I mean you’re not great, but I don’t think you’re the worst actor out there but.. . do you read the scripts for the movies you’re in?? Or do you just sort of be in them?? Maybe just one time read a script and then shake your head dubiously and say “Y a know

maybe not.” Just see how it feels.

 7. Ted 2

Ted 2 everyone, this weeks exhausted, unnecessary,  overly padded, un-comedic, comedy entry. Thank you Ted 2, for filling this very important Top Ten movies category.

6. Magic Mike XXL

Basically if you like the first one you should probably watch this. If you didn’t like the first one or (like myself) felt that you were the exact opposite of this movies target audience, you probably still won’t and you definitely still are.

5. The Gallows

The Gallows because it wouldn't be summer if we didn't have an unnecessary, poorly shot horror movie.

The Gallows because it wouldn’t be summer if we didn’t have an unnecessary, poorly shot horror movie.

Okay so… 20 years ago there was a high school play and some child person got hung??? Maybe. Now twenty years later the high school puts on the same play  but for some terrifying reason somebody decides to record the whole thing in shaky cam!! This is like Blair Witches much younger, much stupider cousin and let’s be clear: Blair Witch was not exactly Einstein.

4. Terminator: Genesis

Who could have predicted that a shoddily put together, poorly contrived movie, that gave away it’s big plot twist in the trailers would have turned out to be a terribly movie??? Oh wait… everyone should have. Sorry four people who still believed in the Terminator series, it’s gone now.

3. Inside Out

Did a full review of this already but  suffice to say: it’s wonderful. But it is Pixar which is basically like the Terminator franchise except 100% the exact opposite of that.

2. Jurassic World

Jurassic World a good movie that has given rise to millions of people pointing out better ways to contain dinosaurs. If nothing else this movie has become a vessel for real change in our society, and for that it deserves to be commended, commandeered, and commoded.

 1. Minions

Full disclosure: I have never watched any of the Despicable Me movies. The first one didn’t look very good and then everyone said it was great but… I didn’t care. Then the second one was supposed to be great but I hadn’t seen the first one and now this one is just about the little serving people I guess??? And I (in a shocking turn) still do not care. At all.  Plus this movie seems to have split people right down the middle as to whether it’s any good or not. I read one review where the guy said it was his favorite of the series, and the next one I read said it was so bas it almost ruined the series. So I don’t know… do what you want. See it! Or don’t see it. Stop asking me questions, I’m not the boss of you. I’m not your real father!!!

All right guys, it's official. We've taken this too far.

All right guys, it’s official. We’ve taken this too far.

There you go guys, I return to the blog not with a shout but with a whimper!! Thanks for reading and I’ll see you tomorrow!

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