Well hey Internet, and welcome to another example of me caving in to the Man. And also some women. Really more of a ‘They’ then any particular gender. Anyway, a few weeks ago I posted a complete ranking of Pixar movies over here. Since then a couple different people have emailed me (thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com) asking for me to do some other rankings of various and sundry rankible ranks.

So here’s a list of some things, involving some stuff. You’re welcome… I guess.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe from Worst to First 

Okay couple things: this is not a ranking of all the marvel movies ever cause frankly there are some things that happened in the 60’s and 70’s that no one wants to remember.

Captain-America-1944-Image-12

“Nothing’s happening in this closet, nothing at all.”

Also not included in this list are movies made from Marvel comics by companies that are not Marvel (i.e. The X-men movies and the Spiderman trilogy and 2/3rd.) The reason for that is those movies are very much their own thing. It’s less comparing apples and oranges, more comparing apples and the string theory of the Universe.

We all good to go? No?? Awesome.

11. The Hulk and the Incredible Hulk

I think all of the people who want a solo hulk movie need to be forced to sit down and watch these two movies back to back. Look I love the Hulk… okay so, I like the Hulk. He’s fun. But in the end he will always smash something, and in between smashings he will always be conflicted about his powers and sulk about the fact that he occasionally becomes a raging green death machine.

That works great in ensemble movies. I really like what Joss Whedon and Mark Ruffalo have done with that character but I don’t think that automatically means he’s great for his own movie. You want proof? Watch The Hulk again. That movie is BAD. Terrible. There is literally a Hulk Poodle. The ending of that movie is the Hulk spitting green stuff into a storm cloud who is also (through a series of events far FAR too stupid for the human mind to grasp) his dad.

_hulk-2003-67-g-1350136227

This is an actual image from The Hulk. I don’t even need to try to make fun of this movie… It makes fun of itself.

The Incredible Hulk was better and Edward Norton did a really great job with that character but… it’s still not very good.

10. Iron Man 2

Probably the only other Marvel movie that is legitimately not good, Iron Man 2 just barely skates by on the fact that Robert Downey Jr. really IS Iron Man. Beyond his rock solid performance is a sloppily put together movie with an utterly forgettable villain, an even more forgettable final fight, and a movie that basically just amounts to a 2 hour trailer for the Avengers.

9. Iron Man 3

It’s weird how much Iron Man 2 and 3 fell off the tracks after Iron Man literally breathed life into the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Iron Man 3 isn’t a bad movie, but it just doesn’t feel much life a Marvel movie. Tony Stark spends a lot of time running around outside his armor and fighting villains who breathe fire for some largely unexplained reason. It’s a fun movie sure, and Ben Kingsley is great as the Mandarin/Trevor but it doesn’t really feel like a super-hero movie, and that’s what we paid our ten bucks to see!!

8. Thor 2: The Dark World

I really like Chris Hemsworth as Thor and he and Loki’s mini road trip movie in this movie is awesome, but weirdly I feel like this movies last act just kind of fell apart. It got distracted by it’s own sense of humor and you never really get the feeling that that one pasty white dude who doesn’t speak English is actually going to do whatever it is he wants to do.

I enjoyed Thor 2 (cause at this point it’s all movies I enjoyed) but I think the balance of humor and drama skewered towards humor at the wrong times. Plus, while I think Natalie Portman is great her Jane Foster is almost terminally un-interesting. She’s just sort of… in the movie.

"Marvel's Thor: The Dark World"..Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) ..Ph: Jay Maidment..© 2013 MVLFFLLC. TM & © 2013 Marvel. All Rights Reserved.

Jane Foster, cause sometimes you just need someone to look at things.

7. Captain America: The First Avenger

Okay so from here on out all the movies are pretty great. I really liked The First Avenger, and I certainly was surprised at how much I liked Captain America when mostly before this I had just thought he was that stupid looking stripedy guy who threw things at other things.

I though this character was great, and Tommy Lee Jones was fantastic in this movie. That said the much maligned ending where Cap “puts the jet in the water” for literally no reason at all, did take away a bit from what was otherwise a super solid movie.

6. Thor

As stated above I think Chris Hemsworth is perfect for Thor and he might legitimately be my favorite Avenger. His introduction to the MCU was awesome and his relationship with Loki was great and awesome and I’m really excited for Thor 3 to come out so I can see more of that. The only thing really wrong with this movie were the Warriors 3 (AKA those not at all comic, comic relief characters) and (of course) the cardboard cut out of a human that is Jane Foster.

5. Iron Man

I was surprised this one fell as low as it did cause I think it’s a really great movie and like I said it literally created the Marvel Cinematic Universe and gave birth to Robert Downey Jr’s Tony Stark is nothing short of amazing.

I thought the villain for this was fairly forgettable but even that is the smallest of small gripes. It’s a great movie and watching RDj create that first Iron Man suite is an absolutely iconic moment in comic book movie history.

4. Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier

As surprised as I was that Iron Man got pushed to 5, I was probably more surprised that Captain America 2 ranked this high. But that movie was awesome. Intrigue, explosions, Captain America all the sudden becoming a raging cyclone of punchy faced death. If you doubt my decision to put this here just go watch that first bit where Cap basically takes over an ocean liner single-handedly. It’s awesome.

"Is... is there something happening behind me?"

“Is… is there something happening behind me?”

I like the Winter Soldier as a villain/tragic lost friend person, and the whole Hydra thing worked really REALLY well. It doesn’t have the crazy high stakes demigod battling feel to it, but it does it’s action incredibly well and creates a really interesting story with some great twists and turns.

3. Avengers: Age of Ultron

I will probably take a LOT of flack for this movie being this high on the list, but I really REALLY liked this movie. I thought it was great, and fun, and built interestingly on the first movie. A lot of people said it was too much like the first one but I also really liked the first one so that was totally fine with me!! Why wouldn’t I want more of that?

Also: James Spader as Ultron was awesome. I wanted more Ultron… and maybe less awkwardly forced Black Widow/Hulk romance but still, I thought it was a VERY well done movie with some great characters who we all really like doing some very cool stuff. Which is pretty much all I wanted.

2. Avengers

But nothing beats the original… except for the one movie on this list that did that, but more on that in a second. Avengers (before it’s release) scared the crap out of me. I had been scarred by the ‘Fantastic Four’ and then again by ‘The Fantastic Four 2: Why Are We Making This?’ I thought super-hero ensembles just couldn’t work. But then, like a white dove sailing down from downey clouds of heaven, Joss Whedon descended and gave us all the Avengers. Not just a great ensemble super hero movie, but just a genuinely great movie. It was amazing, the characters were great, the fights were epic, and the script perfectly walked the line between humor and drama. It was a great, great movie. And I have loved it forever.

1.Guardians of the Galaxy

My friend Schofs has a system whereby he measures things in which he asks “If I was stuck on an island and could only have two of these things, which would I want?” It is (possibly) not his own original idea, but I figured I’d credit him on here with it just because (to my knowledge) no one else has staked claim to that idea in any official capacity.

So anyway, I really love Avengers, but I also really loved Guardians of the Galaxy and as I labored and thought and thought and labored and then took a brief nap I finally boiled this choice down to Schofie’s classic Schofism: the desert island question.

Of course there's no electricity... or TV's... or food. So in the end we're kinda screwed either way.

Of course there’s no electricity… or TV’s… or food. So in the end we’re kinda screwed either way.

Surprisingly to me, the answer was: Guardians of the Galaxy. It’s just awesome. The cast is great, the action is awesome, the world it creates is crazy and wacky, but also surprisingly heart felt and the soundtrack is awesome. That was literally one of the deciding factors between these two movies, I really like both of them, but Guardians has that awesome 80’s soundtrack  and what better company on a deserted island then a great movie, with great music??

So there you go guys, the Marvel MCU, ranked. Have a great July 4th and I will see you all next week!

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