Pixar Countdown

Posted: June 23, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , , ,

Well hey Internet, and welcome to what many made up historians will call: my greatest and most  lofty accomplishment. Today, I strap on my nostalgia boots, put on my childhood wonder-hat, and firmly affix to my eyes my rose colored glasses, as I wade out into the wild world of Pixar and rank ALL of their movies to date from worst-to-first.

Now, let the record show that pretty much all these movies are ‘good.’ Ranking movies that are ‘good’ is super difficult. It’d be nice if they had a couple movies that we’re just brazenly bad to fill out the bottom portion but they really (kind of) don’t. That said, somebody had to do this… I think. And that someone is me!! And that sometime is now. And that somewhere is here… or technically down there… but whatever.

Also: I haven’t seen Inside Out yet so it is not on this list. Sorry, Amy Poehler.

14-13. Cars and Cars 2 (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 74% and 39%)

Okay, so I’ll admit that these were pretty easy to stick at the bottom. I watched Cars 2 under duress and didn’t hate it but also didn’t life it very much, and I literally have made it about ten minutes into Cars 1 two times and then stopped watching. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s about a car named ‘Lightning McQueen’ which sounds like something envisioned by a second grader as the mystical ruler of ‘The Storm Kingdom.’ Maybe it’s the tangy unmistakably unpleasant smell of Larry the Cable Guy, I don’t know. The point is that while there are certainly worse movies out there, Cars and Cars 2 are easily the bottom of the barrel Pixar speaking.

Now: let me say that ‘Planes’ is certainly a way worse movie then Cars OR Cars 2 but it slides by on a technicality because it was technically released by Disney Toon Studios a company that is supposedly working on a movie called ‘Trains’ that will be set in the same Universe as Cars and Planes. Trains will be followed by movie called ‘Scooters’ which will then tie into ‘Tables: Kitchenware Assemble’ a movie that will (as far as we can tell) destroy the world.

12. Wall-E (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 96%)

Dang that Robot annoyed me. I know, I know, he was adorable and lovable and had little eyes and only said two words or something. But he was super annoying!! That whole movie was just weird, and there were fat people in armchairs and something about a plant maybe?? And was there an evil robot who wanted to keep humanity fat? Or am I thinking of Robo-Ronald McDonald again?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regardless: I did not like this movie.

11. A Bug’s Life  (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 92%)

This was Pixar’s second movie and while it wasn’t bad (cause none of these are) I can honestly say I do not remember ANYTHING from this movie. Were there evil Grasshoppers? And some sort of Acid spitting Beatles and grotesque decapitations?? Or am I thinking of the unfortunately named Antz movie, that came out at exactly the same time and was about exactly the same thing in every way??

10. Ratatouille (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 96%)

Ah Ratatouille, that one Pixar movie that had something to do with rat’s taking over the human body and steering us around against our will like puppets. No. For real. How was this not billed as a horror movie?? If rat’s ever decide to end the world can they just climb into our hair and force us to stab ourselves with our own kitchen implements?? Are you terrified?? I’m terrified.

ratatouille_l

Yeah sure… he’s cute now.

9. Monster University  (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 78%)

A movie that answered some question we never asked, in a weirdly disappointing way. I didn’t need or want to know that Sully and Mike were college drop outs who started in the mail room and worked their way up to the scare floor despite those two things involving COMPLETELY unrelated skill sets. I didn’t want to watch Mike Wizowski suffer disappointment and failure and have to come to grips with the fact that he would never be able to fully realize his dream. I was fine without knowing all the super depressing and nonsensical answers to the questions I didn’t ask in the first place Pixar. Thanks for not making Mosters Inc. 2 though, cause carrying on the story would have been just ridiculous. I guess.

8. Brave (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 78%)

I honestly was fine with Brave. It met with a general ‘meh’ from the public but I thought it was pretty good. There were scottish accents, the which was hilarious, the bear cubs were adorable and a lot of angry bears tried to murder people. I think critics/movie goers were just thrown by the fact that none of the trailers brought advertised the actual “your mom is a bear” part of this movie. I’m not saying it’s their best movie but I didn’t mind it nearly as much as I minded Wall-e or “The Rats are in Your Head.”

7.  Up (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 98%)

Ah, ‘Up.’ 90 percent adorable kids movie, 10% soul crushing ride through Depressingville on a sad pony, on a saddle made of your own tears and failures. Seriously though, the first time I watched Up I was so depressed by the first ten minutes that the rest of the movie sort of passed by in this vague, hazy sort of dream state. Fortunately, the next time I watched Up I— oh wait a second I NEVER watched Up ever again. Kind of like how after the first time I was bitten by my Zombie caterpillar Rude-Bilford I stopped feeding him by hand. Some pains you only need to suffer through once.

I trusted you Pixar!!!

I trusted you Pixar!!!

6. Toy Story 3 (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 98%)

Speaking of depression, how about Toy Story 3? A movie that taught us that eventually we will all lose our usefulness and slowly fade into the background of life, until we are finally burned to death in a garbage compactor… or something.

Okay, we’re into the heavy hitters now guys. The top 5 are all awesome and I’m sure you could make a case for any of them being number 1 if you really wanted to, that said: Here are my top 5.

5. Finding Nemo (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 99%)

Ah, Finding Nemo, a movie that made you deeply question your own conscious anytime you eat fish. Or even just keep fish in a tank. Or have anything to do with fish at all. Seriously though, great movie. Great sharks. Great tagline. It’s pretty freekin’ great. But only number 5.

4. The Incredibles (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 97%)

One of the greatest super-hero movies ever made, The Incredibles is an incredible blend of cool action, good humor, and angry short women yelling about capes. Man… How did this movie not crack the top 3?? I mean there’s a BS joke for crying out loud!!

3. Monsters Inc. (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 96%)

Sully and Mike. Boo and Rosalind. The whole concept of this movie was so well thought out, and the world so well crafted that it’s genuinely hard to believe it isn’t ranked number 1. Billy Crystal and John Goodman are incredibly great for their roles and it’s hard to pick out any way this movie could have been better. But there are still two more to go.

2. Toy Story (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 100%)

Do you realize that this movie came out in 1995???? Do you realize that one of the writers on Toy Story was Joss Whedon??? Yeah, that Joss Whedon. National treasure of America Joss Whedon. Anyway though: Great movie. And not just cause it came out roughly a thousand years ago and is still 100% watchable today. Not because it was the father of every other movie on that list. But because it’s just awesome in and of itself. All pretenses and contexts aside, this is what a kids movie should be.

1. Toy Story 2  (Rotten Tomatoes Rating 100%)

Yup. Toy Story 2. A fantastic entry into a wonderful series, that built and expanded on the world of Toy Story while not feeling like it needed to re-invent the wheel. It’s funny, heartfelt, quotable and hits you right in the feels. In my opinion, kid or adult or kid-dult, you can’t go wrong with Toy Story 2: The Greatest Pixar movie of all time.

The best it can get!!

The best it can get!!

So there you go internet!! Feel free to post in the comments or email me at thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com with any questions or comments or thoughts or ideas you might have on the whole thing! I’m sure there are MANY opinions on this one! Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you Thursday!

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