The Weekly Headlines 6/16/2015

Posted: June 16, 2015 by Micah in Weekly Headlines
Tags: , , , , , ,

Well hey Internet, I’m back. Safe and sound and sounding safe. Yes, I like so many Douglas McCarther’s, Terminators, and Gandalf’s before me, have risen up from the ashes of defeat and come back. And when I say ‘ashes of defeat’ I mean ‘vacation.’ I’ve lived a hard life. Anyway, here are the weekly headlines.

 The Weekly Headlines 6/16/2015

So Jurassic World is in theaters. And some people saw it. Okay, so a lot of people. 208.8 million dollars’ worth of people, in fact. Which with modern day movie ticket prices rounds out to roughly 20 people. Studio executives were quoted saying that they were: “Very plesiosaured.”

This bear is ashamed of me...

This bear is ashamed of that joke… as am I.

So… Disney announced this week that they’re making a sequel to Maleficent. You guys remember Maleficent right? Kind of terrible, took Maleficent and made her into an incredibly indecisive person with an impossible to understand, extremely inconsistent allergy to metal. Anyway, if there’s one thing we need more of in this world, it’s unnecessary sequels to things that weren’t that great in the first place. I mean, the only way this works is if they cross it over with some other animated villain. Like Maleficent goes on vacation to the beach and her and a sexy young Ursula decide to rob a magical vault of some kind… yeah that’d actually be awesome.

Speaking of sequels: Pitch Perfect 3 is gonna be a thing. I mean, that’s a good thing right? Granted, the second one wasn’t as good as the first one but the music was still great, and it was still a good movie that I enjoyed. And most of that is the cast chemistry so as long as they get most of the cast back I think it’s all good! More mash-ups, more Anna Kendrick, and probably less contests where every nation weirdly sings the same song for no logical reason.

And speaking of speaking of sequels, Star Wars Battlefront 3 is coming out in November!! I (as a rule) do not like video games that involve wandering around with a gun, screaming like a girl and shooting things. Maybe it’s because I keep screaming all the time I don’t know. Anyway, I do  love the battlefront series, cause it’s all those things I just said but it’s STAR WARS. So put your big boy/person pants on , grab your blaster, and prepare for a lot of me screaming, this November.

And speaking of speaking of speaking of sequels, Batman Arkham Knight comes out next week. I’ve been a huge fan of the Batman series ever since it came out and allowed me to fulfill my two great dreams: being batman, and rejecting society to sit in my house and play video games. So get excited for that.

Yup. This is happening.

Yup. This is happening.

Back to movie news though: Inside Out, the latest in Pixar’s: adorable and awesome things collection, hits theaters this week. It is currently sitting at 100 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and it’ll be interesting to see how it does against Jurassic World. My guess is J-world takes a STEEP dive and Inside Out opens huge. It’s supposed to be awesome, and deep and funny and adorable and wonderful and all those things that Disney movies and Polar Bears are supposed to be.

The polar bear equivalent of Inside Out.

The polar bear equivalent of Inside Out.

Another trailer came out for Pixels and guys: it’s gonna be bad. I know, it’s such a great premise, but this movie has officially been “Sandlered.” Bland uninteresting characters gradually get more and more charicatured, until they learn some dumb lesson about ‘responsibility’ or ‘growing up’ and then everything is fine. I’m sorry world, I wanted it to be good too. But it won’t be.

Finally, in sports news: The Red Sox have lost seven games in a row. It’s fine though because umm… well there’s…

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