Mailbag: Villain Edition

Posted: May 29, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Hey Internet, so I’ve done a couple mostly comics related mailbags in the last few weeks and people have (as people will tend to do) enjoyed them… as far as I could tell anyway. So I figured why not spread the love, spread the jam, and pass the potatoes as we open up our magical mailbag again and see what we’ve got!!

Dear Micah – Recently I’ve been feeling a little down on myself. I used to be just all that and then some, transforming into Dragons, throwing down some mad sleeping spells, and basically just being awesome. But then a movie came out that kind of made me look indecisive, and gave me a weird and inconsistent weakness to metal AND took away my ability to transform into a dragon!! Just feeling a little lost. – Effervescent Maleficent – Hiding in some Thorns

"Oh for the good old days..."

“Oh for the good old days…”

Well Eff I’m sorry. It was a rough run for you last year. I had high hopes for Maleficent and then those hopes crashed to the ground like a fairy touching metal… too soon? Anyway, don’t sweat it Mal because the good news is in a couple years no one will remember that Maleficent existed. It wasn’t great enough to be re-watched, but it also wasn’t bad enough to be memorable. You’ll bounce back. You’ll be transforming into castle sized dragons, and slinging around oddly loophole filled, needle based curses for a long time yet. Always remember it’s not the size of the dragon in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dragon… But also that first thing is super important. – Micah

Dear Micah – I’m in charge of a huge space station. Like, really huge. Some people mistake this space station for a moon. It’s huge (though it’s no moon.) A lot of people criticize me though for what is literally a tiny hole on a massive moon sized ship. Is this just another case of haters who are going to hate? Or should I take their criticism to heart? – The Grand Moff Boss – The Death Star (not a moon)

Sure it looks impressive, but this whole thing is one giant logistical nightmare.

Sure it looks impressive, but this whole thing is one giant logistical nightmare.

Ya know Moff I can’t tell you how many emails like this I get in a week. People love complaining about things. People love to point out tiny flaws in otherwise completely successful projects. So your huge space station has one tiny hole in it. Ain’t nobody got time to fix that. Nothing is perfect. Do you know the parts and labor cost of putting a repair team on the exterior surface of your station to fix a tiny hole that it would literally take an act of the Force itself for someone to hit with a missile? Can you imagine the flack you would take if you obsessed over every tiny flaw on a planet sized space station???? If you fix this what’s next? Devoting whole crews of tiny cleaner robots just to bathroom maintenance?? Sending teams of troopers into your trash compactors just to check and see if there are any huge, monstrous, death snakes in them??? Don’t sweat it Moff. You’re station is operating at peak efficiency. You’re destroying planets. You’re livin’ the dream! What’s the worst that could happen?? – Micah

Dear Micah, Thus far I’ve had a fairly successful career. I ate some people, I ate some dinosaurs, I had what was probably the single greatest dinosaur moment in cinematic history. But now as far as anyone knows I’m not in this new ‘Jurassic World’ movie at all. I’ve been replaced by some “engineered by science” new fangled dinosaur. Am I not good enough anymore? Has the world passed me by? – Big Bad T-Rex – Alone in a Crowd in a Park

Can you say... moneyshot.

Can you say… moneyshot.

Hey T, look man there’s at least a 60 percent chance that you will want nothing to do with the Jurassic World movie. I haven’t seen anything super reassuring trailerwise for that movie so we’ll just have to see what happens. Secondly: no one will ever replace you in our hearts dear friend. Genetically engineered monsters come and go, but T-rexs are forever. Think of all the other great movies you’ve been in. Even movies where you had some really great lines, like this one.

I'm not sure how well this plan was thought out...

I’m not sure how well this plan was thought out…

So no matter what happens. No matter what new crazy thing scientist’s create in a test tube somewhere, you’ll always be the first dinosaur in our hearts. Always.

Hey Micah, so I know you didn’t like my movie. But be honest, am I the worst villain ever? Unless of course I am the worst villain ever in which case please don’t be honest. – Balem Abrasax – Somewhere Shouting at a Lizard Probably

And with this cone I shall CONQUER THE GALAXY!!!! Somehow...

And with this cone I shall CONQUER THE GALAXY!!!! Somehow…

Hey Balem, look, sometimes when you see something, you have a knee jerk over reaction. You think something is worse than something else just cause you’ve seen it more recently. It’s not really that bad, it’s just what you’ve seen lately. That said: you’re the worst villain ever. At all. Even if there is some terrible, horrible, brain leaking, snot filled villain out there he could not possibly break through the ceiling of horribleness that you have created. So well done for you… but also: terribly done for you and I hate you. – Micah

There you go internet! Have a good weekend, enjoy the good times. I’ll see you next week for more bad ones.

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