A Day in the Life: Pillars of Eternity

Posted: April 7, 2015 by Micah in Video Game Reviews
Tags: , ,

I am occasionally somewhat fiscally irresponsible. This will probably come as no great shock to you, as I (generally speaking) have all the maturity of a wandering newborn cactus. Recently, because I had not bought something I didn’t need in  the last five minutes or so I spent 40 dollars on a new game called Pillars of Eternity. Now, just to be clear I currently have zero free time. None. Between the writing, and the teaching, and the careful cultivation of my developing zombie horde I am swamped… but here’s a brief summary of my first hour or two with Pillars of Eternity.

Pillars of Eternity: Brought to you by the Rock Council.

Pillars of Eternity: Brought to you by the Rock Council.

The first thing you have to do when setting out to get Pillars of Eternity started is create your character. This can take pretty much no time at all, or it can be a long and drawn out and take a long time if you’re the sort of person who tends to obsess unnecessarily over the small details.

So after an hour or so I was done creating my character and had decided to go with an Elven Hunter, not exactly new, exciting territory but I love some good bow gameplay and it meant I got to have a pet which left me with yet more choices to obsess over.

You can have a wolf as a pet but that just seemed a little to Dr. Quinn to me so I decided to leave that one alone. You could also have a boar but that seemed just… delicious. Like that boar would not last long before I had served him up between some all beef patties with special sauce… if you know what I mean. Which left me with an antelope, a deer, or a lion. And since my primary goal here was not to distract my enemies with delicious venison and/or have them watch my deer and my antelope play, I went ahead and got a lion. This gave me a chance to both sing songs from the Lion King repeatedly and, ya know, have a freaking lion. So it seemed like a win.

"Meet my lion, meet my lion, if he eats you you'll be cryin'..." Sorry, Disney fans, did that one on purpose.

“Meet my lion, meet my lion, if he eats you you’ll be cryin’…” Sorry, Disney fans, did that one on purpose.

Once I actually started the game I learned that my character was part of a caravan travelling to a place to get some land from someone… probably. But I got sick and then had to go and find a way to cure myself by picking some berries… cause that’s a thing that happens. So I murdered some wolves who were upset about my Dr. Quinn joke, got myself some magical snozberries, and was healed!!!!

And then someone murdered everyone in my caravan. Well everyone except for a woman person (who had come with me on my berries quest) and a very badly wounded man person, who may or may not have been wounded because of my inability to talk some people into not badly wounding him. Basically, I called the guy using him as a human shield a coward and then that guy slashed the other guy  (who I’ll call… Bilbert) across the chest. So me and Bilbert and the lady (…Brenda) all went to take shoulder from the storm inside a nearby cave. When we got to the cave Bilbert wanted to rest (as people with gaping chest holes) will do but Brendabert wanted to keep going.

I decided to take a break (feeling just a little bad about being the cause of Bilberts huge new Chest window.) But when we woke up lo and behold Brendabert had snuck off into the darkness and STOLEN MY STUFF!! So, I followed her only to find that she had been deathmurdered by a trap not to far away from me: because karma. So I got my stuff back by being a creeper and stealing it from her and then me and Bilbert wandered happily through the cave until, upon exiting we got hit by some sort of magical death wave and Bilbert died.

So to recap: I arrived on a caravan (and they all died,) a girl stole some stuff for me (and she died,) and my one true friend and chest trauma victim also died. So things are going well so far.

Sometimes it takes all of your friends dying horribly to convince you to get a smaller, less rock infested, apartment.

Sometimes it takes all of your friends dying horribly to convince you to get a smaller, less rock infested, apartment.

But you know what my lion leaned over and told me as I rose up from mysteriously surviving said magical death wave?? He looked at me with his big liony eyes and he said: “Hakuna Matata!! What a wonderful phrase! Hakunah Matatah their dead but it’s okay!!”

And so I gathered myself up, dusted myself off, and continued my quest and thus will (no doubt) cause the deaths of many MANY more people.

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