Charlotte’s Web

Posted: April 3, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , ,

Okay guys, I’m back. I’m here, loaded, and ready to go. Maybe. I mean let’s be clear I’m still in mourning over the post that I lost yesterday, a post that without a doubt would have launched me forever into ridiculous amounts of stardom. I’m talking pulitzer level comedy here. Potential Nobel Prize worthy comedy, but what is one to do when one loses ones magnum opus?? I mean, I thought of doing what Charlotte from Charlotte’s web did after she completed her magnum opus and have thousands of babies and then die but… ya know… baby reasons. Hey, ya know what we could do???

Micah Retro Reviews: Charlotte’s Web 

Oh and this is the old classic cartoony one. Not the new horrifyingly weird thing, that had Dakota Fanning in it back before she went entirely insane and started doing whatever on this golden green earth Dakota Fanning is doing these days.

No, this is the old one, the classic one.

You know, the old kind of horrifying one!!

The kind of horrifying one!!

The Plot: 

So once upon a time there was this girl named ummm… Fanny? Maybe. Hang on… Oh Fern… wow that is somehow worse then Fanny. So Fern, lives on a farm with her father Elm and her mother Northern Deciduous and one dark and stormy night Ferns pig gives birth to a litter of pigs… Do pigs have litters? Or schools? Definitely not schools. You don’t see a lot of pig schools… hopefully. We’re gonna go with my standard policy and name this group of piglets after what is easily the best and most awesome name for a group of animals: a murder (as in: a murder of crows.) So Ferns pig gives birth to a Murder of Piglets… wow that sounds like a super messed up episode of Winnie the Pooh huh??

Anyway, one of said piglets is a runt so her father, Maple, takes that runty pig out to the barn to murder it (later that afternoon he went hunting and shot Bambi’s mother. Just FYI.) But Fern stops her father from murdering the pig and once she has secured the life of said pig she decides to name it… Wilbur. Because she wanted to make him regret her decision to save him apparently. So anyway, Fern and Wilbur have a whole montage worth of fun before (for reasons I was never entirely clear on) Fern gives Wilbur to her uncle who owns a farm and will 100% for sure murder her “beloved” pig. Surely, she knew that would happen right? Like there’s no way she dropped her huge slab of walking Bacon off at her uncle the murder-farmers house without knowing that her pig would be turned into delicious bacon right??

So once Wilbur gains the ability to talk to other animals (which he does in roughly four seconds) he finds out that he is so much pulled pork sandwiches upon learning which he (somewhat understandably) becomes depressed. But lo and behold he meets a Spider name Charlotte who is practically a human soul somehow transformed into the body of spider and she promises to save Wilbur by working what basically amounts to several large scale miracles for which she will receive absolutely no credit.

The incredible gifts of Wilbur in all their majesty as he stands placidly under a sign made by a spider who has better handwriting than me.

The incredible gifts of Wilbur in all their majesty as he stands placidly under a sign made by a spider who has better handwriting than me.

And she proceeds to do so. Literally bridging the gap between human and animal communication something that in thousands of years of existence had never been accomplished. Of course, the first thing the humans do when they see the fact that a lowly spider has learned how to form her thoughts into coherent patterns and WRITE ACTUAL WORDS is heap praise upon this fantastic spider!!

Oh wait did I say the spider? No no sorry. Not the spider. They praise the pig who is frolicking about like a moron underneath the writing. And then after pulling off several more miracles and guaranteeing the survival of a pig who (as far as we can tell) is just another pig in a world of pigs, this super-intelligent hyper spider from the future moves on with it’s life, and eventually bites a young boy named Peter Parker creating Spiderman and saving the world as we know it.

Oh wait did I say she survived?? No no, sorry. She died. Yup. Dead. The end. But it’s okay, cause the pig survived. Hope you enjoy having your life’s work go unnoticed and have people praise the person standing underneath your life’s work taking all the credit children. Also, the cake is a lie, and your parents hate you.

In Conclusion: 

Charlotte’s Web isn’t necessarily a bad movie it just… how shall I put this… makes no sense at all. I mean, a lot of old animated movies have gaping plot holes in them but this movie is basically one huge pot hole around which tattered pieces of a movie have built a home. Plus, this movie does raise the Veggietales problem of having your children think that the things you are serving them for dinner were speaking creatures with hopes and dreams and aspirations who (unbeknownst to them) are putting on lavish musical numbers in the back yard.

So there you go guys, it tweren’t a magnum opus but it was… an opus. Or a Magnum… PI.

This ones for the ladies...

This ones for the ladies…

Sorry, couldn’t help myself there. See you next week.

  1. Christopher Chaplin says:

    I brought this point out when we were reading the story in the third grade. I simply asked “Why do they care about the pig when the spider is writing words?!” the teacher called me a troublemaker and told me to keep reading quietly…

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