Internet!! Welcome back, greetings, salutations, feliz navidad, and other words that mean things. Welcome to the first official 2015 we made it through Janbruary top ten!! That’s right, the doldrums of January and February are behind us, and while the best movies are still ahead of us, we have some great movies here with us today! So let’s take a look at them, and (as the old poem says) glory in the flower.
Number 10: The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out of Water
I’ll admit… I was wrong about this one. I didn’t think Spongebob had this much pop left in his squarepants but this movie hung around in the top ten for a longtime and got fairly decent reviews. I have no idea how you did it Bob, but that pineapple of yours is collecting no rust… or rot… or whatever pineapples collect.
Number 9: Chappie
A sci-fi movies from the guy who made District 9 about… basically District 9. I was one of the few people who didn’t just lose their minds about District 9 and spend hours of my life writing Prawn related fiction about what’s his name the Incredibly unlikeable hero of that movie or the fact that the world had all the vibrant life of a hole riddled Sprite can, but at least I can agree with people who have said that his last two movies after District 9 we’re basically the same thing just far more poorly developed.
Number 8: Focus
Hey, it’s Will Smith!! You remember him, right? That guy who was in a lot of good movies and then some really bad movies and then just sort of disappeared entirely for a while? Well, he’s back now. We missed you, Will. And hey, don’t worry about After Earth we’re all blaming M. Night Shyamalan for that mess. You’re cool.
Focus, is the story of a con-man and con-woman who mutually con each other, other rich people, other poor people, other con people of various genders, and so on and so forth. It’s not the best movie ever, but it’s not bad and it’s nice to see Will Smith again.
Number 7: The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Sheesh my fingers hurt just typing the title to this thing. TSBEMH is the sequel to TBEMH a movie about some old people and India and… yeah no idea beyond that point. Maggie Smith is in it, it’s gotten decent (though not great) reviews, it’ll make you feel all zen and India and closer to your true self or whatever.
Number 6: Do You Believe?
I legitimately had never heard of this movie before ever. Hang on. (light google typing) Okay, so this is from the same people who made God’s Not Dead and– wait Sean Astin is in this movie?? That’s… unexpected. As usual with these sorts of movies, critics haven’t much cared for it but audiences have been giving it much better reviews. It’s a movie that mostly appeals to the choir it was made for which I suppose is true of most movies when you think about it…
Number 5: The Kingsman: Secret Service
Did a full review of this over here and after many hundreds of words I came to the shocking and jaw-dropping conclusion that it was (in point of fact) a movie. Boom.
Number 4: The Gunman
Liam Neeson’s latest movie about an aging former assassin who returns to– wait what?? Sean Penn plays the main character? Umm… he knows Liam Neeson is still making movies right?? In fact Liam Neeson already has a vastly superior action movie out right now… So I guess the only real way to put this is: Silly Sean Penn… action movies are for Liam Neeson.
Number 3: Run All Night
Speaking of vastly superior Liam Neeson movies, here’s run all night. A movie starring Liam Neeson and Ed Harris and Liam Neeson’s awesome amazing voice of awesomeness. Go watch it. You know you want to.
Number 2: Cinderella
Kenneth Branaugh who you will recognize as the director of Thor and the single greatest Shakespearean actor alive on the planet, Directs Disney’s new version of Cinderella. This particular Cinderella though seems to actually stick fairly (though obviously not one-hundred percent) close to the original Disney release a movie that I (surprisingly) fully support. I’ve had enough of movies ruining our children’s childhood by unnecessarily putting a twist on classic fairy tales. I respect Disney for not having Cinderella turn into a werewolf at night, or having her evil stepmother transform into a giant snake wielding a battle-ax. There’s nothing wrong with just taking a classic story and telling it in a beautiful way.
I’m as surprised as you that I feel that way, but that (like the old song says) is just how I feel.
Number 1: The Divergent Series: Insurgent
Oh right… The Hunger Games’ little slightly dumber sibling!! I enjoyed the first movie in this series (though the world has some fairly gaping holes in it’s mythos) but there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. It’s a decent action movie, starring an above average actress, and featuring some dude named Four… yup… that’s his for real name.
And there you have it internet, thanks for reading, thanks for caring, and only you can prevent forest fires.