Micah’s History of Everything: Saint Patrick’s Day

Posted: March 12, 2015 by Micah in A History of Everything
Tags: , , ,

Well hello there Internet, and welcome to a very special pre-Holiday addition of Thoughts We Might Have Had. Yes, Saint Patrick’s day isn’t until Tuesday of next week and yes I will be posting on Tuesday but the odds of anyone being coherent enough to actually read anything on Saint Patrick’s day is pretty low so I figured it would probably be better to go ahead and post about it today in the hopes of people actually retaining something of what I am spending so much time and 5 minutes researching.

The Life of Saint Patrick

Saint Patrick was born in 4th century Britain. His father was a deacon, his grandfather was a priest, and his mother smelled of Elderberries (rimshot.)

Yes I know it's the Father who smelled of Elderburries. It's my blog. Go away.

Yes I know it’s the Father who smelled of Elderburries. It’s my blog. Go away.

When young Patty Patrick was 16 he was kidnapped (or perhaps we must say Patnapped) by some Irish slavers… which is a concept that’s pretty hard to wrap your head around. I mean I love the Irish as much as anyone but you’d think it would be hard to take them serious as slavers. “Ay laddy you just come along with us now and we’ll sell ya into slavery” it just doesn’t work… Irish accents should be used for good, and partying, and talking to Ents about destroying Saruman… not slavery.

But anyway, Pat gets all Patnapped and he spends three years Shepherding various sheeps and sheps and Seth’s until one day (after some vigorous prayer, and light ukulele playing) Patrick heard a voice telling him to go to the sea and that there’s a ship waiting for him, and that if you jumble up the words in Ticonderoga you can spell Go Toned Acri… some parts of it were less relevant then others. So Patrick ran off and went back home to his mom and dad and lived in their basement and played video games and collected Star Wars figurines… no wait that’s my cousin Griff. Sorry Griff.

Patrick just went home. And then Patrick had a dream where someone came to him and said (and this is a direct quote) “We appeal to you, holy servant boy, to come and walk among us.”

Pretty sure DC just announced that they are adding a hero called Holy Servant Boy to next summers “Batman vs. Superman vs. Wonderwoman vs. Aquaman vs. Our Desperate Attempt to Catch Up With Marvel.”

Thank you google images... thank you so much.

Thank you google images… thank you so much.

After that, Patrick went back to Ireland, where he preached, baptized, and worked against the Druids a group of people who primarily worshipped bushes, trees, and various soft pastries. And there dwelt Saint Patrick until he moved to America and founded Notre Dame university.

BUT WAIT there’s more. Because as with any good saint, Saint Patrick has a goon number of awesome/semi-awesome/entirely incomprehensible miracles attached to him. Starting with:

Banishing all the snakes from Ireland. It seems that at one point in his Saintliness old Pat was on a forty day fast when he was attacked by some snakes and so he banished ALL of the snakes from Ireland. There’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater and then there’s throwing the entire nursery out with a glass of water. What about poor Phyllis the snake, living a quite life in an Irish stone wall with her children Barry, and Carey, and Dairy?? What of her old Saint Patperson???? What of her.

And then of course there’s the story of the time that Saint Patrick was preaching and stuck his walking stick in the ground and he spoke for SO long that by the time he was done the stick had taken root. That’s right, it physically altered it’s DNA and had time to grow just in the time it took Saint Patrick to finish preaching. I mean I’ve been in some long sermons before but that seems a little ridiculous.

In his defense he's been here for three days.

In his defense he’s been here for three days.

And all this of course leads through the course of many years and sermons so long whole forests stood up and walked away, to a holiday in which everyone where’s a lot of green and get so drunk the rivers turn green, the streets turn green, and the movie the Green Mile starts to look a lot like the Green Lantern… starring Eva Green.

The reason for those traditions is that Saint Patrick was often seen stumbling around Ireland alarmingly drunk and covered in green paint… I think.

Or maybe those two things are unrelated and we just like drinking… One of those two things.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s