Posted: March 10, 2015 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , ,

Well hello Internet, and welcome to a new week!! A week filled with Sunshine, spotlessness, and some eternal minds!! Also this week Disney unveils its latest attempt to bring some of it’s animated movies to life and put some famous actress in it so you’ll watch something you already know the exact storyline of. (Ending a sentence with a preposition, that’s right, I’m living on the edge of blogging!!!)

In honor of Disney’s attempt to cash in on something they already did, I’m going to go ahead and post about something that I have already mentioned in a lot of other posts but haven’t ever done a full on review of, namely:


Walt Disney's Cinderella, traumatizing pumpkins since forever.

Walt Disney’s Cinderella, traumatizing pumpkins since forever.

Disney’s classic story of a young working girl in a head scarf who forgets her shoes, marries a prince, and proves once and for all that if you really really want something a magical fairly will just sort of give it to you for no actual reason.

The Plot: 

So Cinderella (yes that’s her name, not Ella or Cinder hip young screenwriters of the world) lives in Downton Abbey with her two stepsisters Drizella and Anastasia and her stepmother Beelzebub-ett.

Cause if she's not mother material I don't know who is.

Cause if she’s not mother material I don’t know who is.

Unsurprisingly her step mother is evil and horrible and terrible and looks like every persons least favorite 2nd Grade English teacher crossed with Satans’ bacon grease. She immediately takes over the run of the house and confines the beautiful Cinderella to the station of a lowly maid, living in lowly sleeping courters, in her lowly lonely loony brain.

Speaking of loony brained, Cinderella starts talking a lot with mice and (perhaps as a result) turns her stepmothers cat, Lucifer, into… well Lucifer. So, Cinderella lives a sad life of cleaning up after her evil and unfortunately named Stepsisters and her step-mother the Bride of Frankenstein.  Until, one magical day she hears that the prince is throwing a ball and she decides she wants to go to the ball because (frankly) what the heck else is she supposed to do? It’s not like the mice are throwing lavish parties in her apartment.

But Lady Pinch-face says she can’t go to the ball until she finishes her chores and Lucifer does… something. Involving ashes. And maybe some dust. And it doesn’t look like Cinderella will get to go to the ball until her mice friends (with the help of an almost criminally catchy song) make her a beautiful ball gown just in time for her to shimmy shake her way on down to the Shimmy Shake Shack and get her a Shimmy Shack Milk-Shake… Or just go to the ball… got sidetracked there.

However, Evil, Weevil, and Sneevil attack Cinderella viciously tearing apart her mouse-made gown and leaving Cinderella torn and alone and without a hope in the world… unless by some incredible coincidence someone else comes along who happens to have the answer to all of her problems… and then that happens.

Bippety Boppity, Cinderella’s fair-godmother, appears out of the nether world to help Cinderella get exactly what she wants because… I don’t know… she’s pretty? The story is named after her? She seems to be the only person in the entire kingdom not modeled after someone from Big-Nose Monthly?? Who knows. Anyway, old Bippety shows up and Bops Cinderella into a magical pumpkin cart and also changes the mice into horses which seems blatantly unfair to the mice.

The Fairy godmother for when you just run out of room in your script.

The Fairy godmother for when you just run out of room in your script.

But they all galavant off to the ball where Cinderella meets her Cinderprince and they dance and stair longingly into each others eyes and make millions of eye babies all at once and then Cinderella suddenly remembers she left a cake in the oven and has to go home!! That was super sexist wasn’t it??

Then Cinderella remembers that she has soccer practice to get to (Go women’s world cup) and has to run leaving behind her stupid glass slipper in favor of some nike cleats, shin guards, and BLOOD!!! Hoo-yah!!

… What was I talking about? Oh yeah. So the prince now sets off on his own extremely boring adventure wherein he decides to go to EVERY HOUSE IN THE KINGDOM. Looking for the person who owns this shoe. Every. House. Ever. In the kingdom.

Fortunately this seems to take him about five minutes and ee’r long he is knocking on heavens door and… I mean, knocking on Cinderella’s door waiting to talk to Cinderella’s Evil Emperor Step-mom about some potential podiatry pursuits. And after finding out that Drizella and Cruella or whatever that other ones name was have huge ugly man-feet the prince tries the shoe on Cinderella and after having danced once and then broken up they get married, and live happily ever after in a pumpkin made of marshmallow.

In Conclusion: 

Cinderella basically boils down to a story of someone who doesn’t actually do much but who somehow succeeds in having all of her dreams come true. So… ya know… there’s that. But on the whole Cinderella’s not a bad movie, it has some catchy songs, some horribly evil cats, and teaches us that when we wish upon a star, our dreams come true… or something like that.

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