How Did We Get Here: Nic Cage

Posted: March 3, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes in life you come to a crossroads. A fork in the road. Two roads that diverge into a yellow wood and another incredibly simply but oddly different road that also leads into yellowed woods: because Vermont.

I feel like we’re at that point now with Nicolas Cage. I remember a time when we took Nic Cage movies at least somewhat seriously. I mean he was in The Rock (great), Con Air (iffy but good), National Treasure (yay!), National Treasure 2 (yay?), and ummm… well that’s it I guess. Hang on let me double check… Face Off?? City of Angels? Umm… the Croods was good…

Here's a picture of Nicolas Cage looking respectable... whatever happened to that guy?

Here’s a picture of Nicolas Cage looking respectable… whatever happened to that guy?

Okay so maybe he was never really the 100 percent celebrity actor level guy but you at least took him seriously. When someone said “Hey there’s a new movie coming out with Nicolas Cage in it!!” You thought: “Oh I wonder if that will be good?” Rather then instantly adding it to the list of movies you will only ever watch late at night with a bunch of people who just want to make fun of a movie.

I mean watch this:

That’s right… Nicolas Cage (who ruined the admittedly shoddily scripted, impressively CGI’d Ghost Rider franchise)  and Hayden Christenson (who ruined the admittedly shoddily scripted, impressively CGI’d Star Wars prequel franchise) together… on the screen… at the same time. In a movie that basically seems to have a plot that boils down to: “Only these white people can save China!!” Cage’s character is literally known as “the White Ghost” in this movie. I’m calling racism and making this movie re-play the third down.

The weird thing is that Christenson and Cage seem to be actively competing to see who can ruin this movie more. Christenson going with his standard “moping, pouting, whining, terribleness,” while Cage goes with his wheelhouse: “complete raging insanity.” The only accurate way to describe how bad “Outcast” is, is to tell you it stars those two people and that it’s a movie about ancient China made by a French-Canadian-Chinese conglomerate film company. What are Canadiens doing making a Chinese movie?? Stick to what you know Canada: nature documentaries, annoying pop singers, and awesome donut/coffee places.

And before that, Mr. Cage was in the abominably bad “Left Behind: Cause We Didn’t Completely Ruin it the First Time” re-boot. A movie so bad it got a 2% on RottenTomatoes.com. A movie so bad people who watched it lost the ability to form coherent sentences for DAYS after it’s seeing it out of sheer terror that they may in some way indicate they wanted to watch the movie again.

So what happened Nic? Did you make the wrong friends? Did you stop reading the scripts people gave you and just agree to be in any and all movies? Is this a dare? Did someone double dog dare you just to take on every script conceivably handed to you at any point? Just stop, re-think your life!! We’re all rooting for we! We enjoy your receding hairline, your odd speech tambour, your inexplicable ability to sound like a raving lunatic regardless of what you’re actually saying. Come back to us Nic… we miss you.

I feel bad guys… I don’t want to leave you with just the trailer for Outcast and me yelling at Nicolas Cage like a particularly upset grandmother telling her meandering grandchild that he’s “Not just a boy who eats glue and runs into the wall holding a pencil up his nose.” Here… watch this awesome trailer for an awesome movie of awesomeness.

Yep. Great trailer. Mind you the last Hitman movie had a pretty good trailer and it was terrible. Video game movies have generally not done well as far as, ya know, being more entertaining then throwing cardboard at a dead pheasant but there’s always hope right? And that’s a great trailer.

It went to the Liam Neeson school of “gritty voice phrases and then shoot somebody” and it graduated with honors. And hey look it’s Spock!! I mean Sylar!! I mean… Zachary Quinto. And he’s ya know… an actor. Mostly.

And in the continuing adventures of me randomly jumping from subject to subject: Rest in peace Leonard Nimoy. You lived an amazing life and were gone from us too soon.

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